Why I Hate Summer

Since the beginning, I have always hated summer. Summer, brings out the worst. Every year it makes me just feel like shitty death. I begin to question my very validity as a person. It's hot, I generally am unemployed around this time. I have no obligations, no plans. Just an endless sea of nothing. Relaxing all day. All day. It's not relaxing. It's torture. Especially for a person with mental illness. It feels like I'm burning in the million fiery suns of hell. It's hot, I'm forgetting to eat. My energy level goes to zero. I'm dehydrated cause I don't care about getting up to drink or eat anymore. I stop picking up my phone. I can hardly use the bathroom. I can't sleep, and when I do it's plagued by horrible dreams. Even my waking hours feel like fuzzy blurs between consciousness and fictional insanity. And each summer, it feels like its getting worse. I feel like I have less and less. Sometimes I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. The stress makes it hard to hold a steady stream of thoughts or make conversation. It frightens me. I feel alone. Violent even, because I'm just so fucking apathetic that I just want everyone to leave me alone so that I can just climb away on a desert island and vomit out all of the bad thoughts until I just die.

It's ridiculous, and scary. But sometimes people get desperate. Sometimes people lose their jobs and their money and their sanity and their roommates. Sometimes people feel utterly alone. Sometimes, people lose their relationships because they can't have sex or be normal and useful. Sometimes it makes people crazy. Sometimes, people can't think of any scenario where they would actually feel good. And that makes the long tunnel of life seem dark and cold and moldy. It makes it seem unbearable sometime. It makes people's compassion seem unfathomable even. Like some sort of feeding tube or life support. Like I'm just some decorative corpse being carted around for the sake of others. A hollow shell of a human. So useless so soon. Inadequate. No value.

What good does a person with no value have, with no view of the future in which there is no pain? No relief from pain. Forever daunting. Forever insulted. No way out. What does a person like that do?
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Nothing, that person does nothing. Who's to say what lives have value and what lives don't? The burden I place on others is minimal compared to others. Debts can be repayed. Apologies can be made. Illness can be managed. Jobs can be gotten. Pain is eternal, but summer is not. It comes and goes each year after spring. But fall is always a cool breeze away. And things will be. Okay. Not good. Not ideal. But they will be. Because that's the way it has to be.