This Morning I Sat Naked From the Waist Down Staring at a Mirror

Welcome to a blog post about vaginismus.

Vaginismus is the involuntary contraction of the vaginal muscles, which can occur in response to past pain or intense fear of pain. In its most severe forms, it can make any type of penetration impossible. To those of you who can simply insert tampons on a day of heavy flow, go to the gyno, self stimulate, have sex, these things may have been uncomfortable at first, or painful. But for me, they are impossible. I have never worn a tampon, I'm a virgin, no g-spot orgasms for me, weird hysterical meltdowns at doctors offices. It feels sometimes that my vagina is literally ruling over my life. I have this part of my body--this mystery part, that I cannot access. It is no longer mine.

It frustrates me to no end. Sometimes it makes me wish I was never born. There is no solace from it, because it lives on me, mocking me. Teasing me. It is ruining my adulthood, my relationships, my pleasure, and so much in between. I am broken. I am defective. I make the people I love angry.

I had to learn everything from scratch. I had to learn to be sexual, to touch, to look, to probe. These parts on my vulva, I didn't know what they were, or what they were supposed to look like. Looking too hard used to make me feel sick and lightheaded. What is this thing?! Is this some kind of joke? I used to think incredulously. What sort of frightening, flesh-fold abomination was this? Everyday after my shower, I sat in front of a mirror examining. It got easier as time progressed, until now I touch my body freely without fear. It was a triumph.

But now it leaves one more problem. The inside. What lies within this wet and frightening place? I was determined to find out today. I sat down in front of the mirror, yelling at myself, "Normal people do this every day, so why can't you?" "This is my body, and I can do what I want!" And I sat patiently, finger in place, waiting for the muscles to loosen, for the stinging sensation to lessen and become bearable. And I pressed on, slower the the slowest snails pace until I felt this hard rock. I realized this was my muscle. The doorway telling me to stop; the thing trying to keep me out of my body.

And at first, I was angry, but then I realized. Look, look how far I've come. I can actually feel the muscle. I don't just know its there, I have stood before the gates and asked for forgiveness. And I have been greeted by a cold stare. But at least I have seen that stare with my own eyes. And it can't last forever.