Sometimes it is hard to let go

2013 was kind of a terrible year, and now almost two months into 2014, I would really like to let it go. I'm approaching the years mark of my two family members death, which marked the downward spiral of my year. It feels like I've lost so much, friendships, family, love, excitement. And sometimes it makes it hard to keep my chin up. I know that it can only go up from here, but it's overwhelming. Because I have to do all the walking. I hike up the mountain of self-improvement on my own, sometimes blindly, sometimes getting lost and cold and sad. But when I look up at the sky, there is only sun to greet me. That sun reminds me that I'm alive, that I'm strong.

It's okay to cry and be weak, its okay to be scared. Because those are just feelings, and feelings will pass. There will always be those who hurt you, but wounds heal. Sometimes they scar, but what is a scar but a mark on the surface? Hurt doesn't take away from what your are, what you have, what you worked hard for. Hurt doesn't change the fundamental building blocks that make you.

So hurt, and then get up and be who you are. Work hard. Live, in all your tears and hurt, and be that person you were meant to be.

New Tag

I just made a tag for the Progress Log. And Wow! Amazing! How strong and together I am compared to the first post. How amazing it is that I got so far. My one moment to pat myself on the back, Go me!

Progress Log: Mechanics of Sex

So back on the sex horse, tried yesterday and then today. Yesterday was the same old issues so then I gave up. But today I was determined to be a normal sexual being again, so I tried again. Very patiently. I was a little scared since it had been awhile since I really tried to insert something all the way in. My goal to make dilator three a non-issue hasn't been all too successful. So I tried really hard this time. I was clenching up so hard at first, so I pulled way back and let my body relax. Then I started to insert it and I really hated the feeling. It was uncomfortable and I didn't like feeling my muscle twitch around the dilator. But it had started to slide all the way in so I was determined to make this work, to push myself farther. I told myself to try and last for ten minutes, which seemed unbearable at the time. But after listening to a whole song my body started to accept it. I decided to try and open and close my legs, then I lifted one leg and then the other. I pulled my knees to my chest and it didn't cause any issues. I moved my hips in the babiest of motions.

This was the first time I'd ever changed positions with an object in my vagina before! So cool milestone. Left me feeling renewed and hopeful that I could do this.

Fuck, I can do this!