BLaaah

School is hard. I'm tired. Remember when I used to be a productive and creative person. Engaging and friendly at times? That was cool. Or maybe I never was like that. Maybe I just thought I was really creative and productive when in reality I was a regular slacker. And now that my priorities have changed it just feels like I have lost something.

But Idk, sometimes I feel like I have lost something. Like something broke me. Lots of bad things have happened before, but last year broke me. That part of me that was endlessly giving and patient withered and died. It was ground up and spit back out again. That's how I feel sometimes. I feel scared I'll feel weird and resentful and lonely and isolated forever and I'll never get back again. Back to normal, back to me.

I had all these goals, I accomplished them, but I climbed that mountain only to realize that I was alone at the top. Nobody was there to celebrate that climb with me. Those people left on their own, some of them were left behind on purpose, some of them I pushed back down. And now, on the mountaintop of success, I realize that I must climb back down into the valley again. To swallow one's pride and lower back onto the level where everyone else. Because they all climbed that mountain and realized they had to come back down again. And it's not easy.

He Said

He said to me, "You are so kind. You give so much of yourself to others that I would like to give myself fully to you."

He said "I am proud of you, you are smart, you are beautiful, you are just what I need."

He said "You are never alone."

I cried because I was scared. Scared because loneliness is the easy path. To give myself fully is hard. It requires the abilities to scrape together the junk that used to be a loving human being into a functioning human being. And to hope they won't be able to tell the difference. And then maybe one day I'll be a loving human being again.

I don't know.

I'm scared.