Things I Want In a Relationship

Things I want in a partner:

A good communicator
Perceptive of my feelings
A kind, gentle and generous person
Easygoing

Things I want in a relationship:

Mutual support
Acceptance
A desire for success and happiness
No pressure for a certain level of sexual performance

Things I have to offer:

Support
Acceptance
An ear to listen
Easy going, not jealous or possessive
A desire for success
Ambition

Valentine's Day

Look how far we've come since last year. Now I buy cake for myself and exercise my right to live as I want. There is much progress but we are moving forward.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Ugh

My ex was really drunk and angry and texted me a picture of my crush kissing another girl in a bar. I decided it was best we stopped messing around. Even though I have no idea what that means about me and my crush. I guess it might be best if I go ass-free for a little while as I figure out what the hell is going on. This is probably gonna suck.

Staying Sane

Some notes on staying sane. It's really fucking hard to do sometimes. Especially when it seems that the entire world is campaigning to raise your blood pressure. When you feel deadlocked in this state of constant guarding of emotions, yet the desire to be honest, to be a good person, but to also do the things that I want to. How forgiving is to forgiving, when is it okay to just let people make their own choices? And feel honestly about it? To be open about jealousy, possessiveness, pain and suffering. Are we not just humans? Can we not be stupid out of our own free will? I am not a delicate flower, I must weather the harshness of the world and all of its cruel honesty. And nothing will protect me. Nothing.

Waking Up

I was going to write a long complaining post about how so and so sucks and I'm annoyed with some things in my life, and horribly overworked and tired all the time. But then I felt too tired to write that much angry stuff. So instead I'll write a reflection on my life.

There was once a time in my life where I couldn't get out of bed. That familiar stomach pain was there every time I opened my eyes. It was like having a rock in my stomach. It weighed me into my bed. I was in pain. A lot of pain. The invisible kind of pain, that you can't use as an excuse to get out of work or school. The kind you just have to get up and soldier through. Full of resentment and sadness.

But a few days ago I realized I had trouble again getting out of bed. I was worried I was going through depression again and hadn't noticed the signs. Then it dawned on me that the reason I didn't get out of bed was because I was tired and my room was cold. I was so warm and comfortable that I wake up and see my alarm before going back to sleep again. I never had the choice to go back to sleep when I was depressed. Sleep was just a mechanism to bide my time before what felt like certain walking death. Now sleep is a mechanism to regain energy. Just like it should be.

Life is annoying and tiring. But at least I'm me again.

Forgot to Publish

A few weeks ago I ran into my crush. I wasn't planning to get laid that night. So I didn't shave or lotion. I wore a cute but modest top. But then I ran into him anyways. Of course I had just had quite a few drinks, so I didn't have as much sensation as I'd hoped. Our time was as sexy as always. He asked me to masturbate in front of him. So I tried to a little. Then we got tired, so he said we should try again in the morning. I didn't think anything of it. Figuring our night would be like the last time where wed go our separate ways after breakfast. But sure enough, we started up again in the morning. He really wanted to get me off. Took awhile but it was pretty hot. I really hope this happens again soon. I feel myself getting a lot more comfortable sexually.