Fuck you world.

While I look through my dead uncle's facebook. I just have to say Fuck You World. And God wherever you are, if you had some kind of message to send or some type of choice in the matter, seriously Fuck You. This had better be a random chance event of no worldly significance. I will never take for granted the existence of such a down to earth and generous person. I will always strive to connect with others, to be thoughtful and hospitable to others, to encourage greatness in others, to be selfless. These are your parting gifts to me. They will not be forgotten.

Fuck this.

Progress Log Keeps Getting Better

I put a finger in, all of the way. It just kept going further and then I was feeling the inside of me. I felt myself, my own body. I pressed on the walls, it felt hard. I didn't feel any pain. I didn't feel any anxiety. It was just a finger inside me. Then I was hooking up with my friends with benefits. He got it in pretty far too. This time it did feel more painful, but not like it used to be. I didn't feel nervous or scared. It was just a finger. He said he could feel my g-spot. I have a G-Spot. Just like everybody else. There was a finger in me. That finger felt stuff. I felt that finger. That happened. And it was sometimes good, sometimes uncomfortable. But nothing like before. And one finger is almost two fingers. And two fingers is practically three fingers. Which is more than enough for a penis. Here it comes.

I thought about it, when i'm "fixed" so to speak, that I would just want to fuck everything and everyone. But the truth is, besides alleviating guilt, and helping me orgasm, nothing is going to change really. My curiosity will be satiated. I'll be a normal adult, with a normal sex life I guess. Kinda like before. I'll stop resenting my body so much. But you know. I already have forgiven my body. I don't resent it so much anymore.

Ultimately, when I went to create my to-do list, it was quite short. I can think of three people in my life I would honestly love to jump once I've made my sexual debut. Two of them I've already hooked up with anyways. The list goes as follows: My current crush, my ex, and the guy who comes into my workplace a lot and chats with me. And that's my hit list. I barely know that last guy, so maybe I wouldn't actually want to get with him in the end. He's really hot though. All of these people on this list are super smart, super hot, successful guys with good jobs. It seems criminal that I should have such high caliber of people that lust after me and I also lust after. Me, small  and childlike, pock marked with acne even in adulthood. I have since lost my real job and work a menial labor job. But you know, I have plenty of value to offer to others. The people who I perceive as sexy and awesome, are softspoken, awkward and single still. They just want to relate to others the way I do. You live and you learn. All day, every day. Living and learning. And hopefully fucking.

Because I Have a Fear of Saying Sexual Things Aloud

I have a problem. I suck at saying the things I want aloud when it's important. Like when I'm in a really sexy situation and someone asks me what I want and I freeze up and just can't say it. I know exactly what I want. But saying it out loud seems incredibly stunted and unsexy when I hear my voice saying it. But I actually really love it when people talk during sex. So why can't I talk during sex? I don't think I've ever said the word pussy, or cum, or tits even. Why the hell would that be? So I, horny as I have become, must conquer this problem so I may have really awesome sex. Time to swallow the embarrassment.

What do I want you to do to me?

I want you to kiss my neck, then I want you to suck my tits until I'm nice and wet. Then I want you to lick my pussy real slow until I can't hold it anymore. And then I want you to rub my clit while you whisper sexy things in my ear until I come.

Then when that is all said and done I will get on my knees and suck your hard cock until you come. And I will swallow it all like a good girl.

Then we can get dressed and go out for drinks.

Sincerely,

A horny, horny person.

Finishing

I want to make you come. And I want you to make me come. And if not, we'll have fun trying.

Bodily cooperation

At some point in time, our bodies have failed to do what we wanted to. For a person like me, my body has failed me nearly every time I try to get intimate. But despite the overwhelming narrative that declares stellar performance each and every time the clothes come off, I'm here to be the voice of reason. It's okay to enjoy sexual contact even when you don't come, when neither parties have the right parts lining up, (Soft dick, tight vagina...) when there isn't enough lube, when you're too nervous. Sometimes, life interferes and we have to just enjoy the feelings as they are. The warmth of skin to skin contact, the love and trust between partners, the sensations of genital contact. These feelings in and of themselves are comforting and valid regardless of how it ends. Particularly if they are mutually shared feelings. I think that if the majority of people felt this way, there would be a lot more loving going on, naked sweaty loving just for the sake of loving. The zero sum love game doesn't do anybody any favors.