Moving Forward.

Moving forward as I should be. Trying to get used to the sensation of penetration. What a very strange thing indeed. This is a treatment of my mind, body, attitudes, past misconceptions and the very encoding of every thought and memory I've had about sex. It's insane really, to see how out of hand things can get.

I think that some people are more susceptible to such traumatic mindsets more than others. To explain more clearly: A very large amount of people receive negative information about sex. An even larger amount of people have sexual hangups. But the entire female population doesn't suffer from vaginismus. Only some of us do (A number which I do not know). Why? I don't know. Has the influence been more bodily potent on us than others? How would this explain the phenomenon that both myself and my sister both suffer from it, despite having no known history of sexual abuse? I remember a specific set of memories that I believe to be the triggers to vaginsmus, but how could they have been so triggering? And how can we stop other girls from having to endure it as well?

There is much I don't know.

Moving forward, moving forward.

"Don't Say I'm Overcoming My Disability. I Live With It For Better Or For Worse." (Paraphrased from somewhere on the internet)

Its hard not to get frustrated sometimes. Being horny as fuck, but having a body that doesn't cooperate. I'm not gonna say I feel empowered or blessed to have vaginismus. It fucking sucks, it's shitty and I hate it. In the weaker points of my life its made me wish I was never born. It makes me feel inadequate, physically ill, hurting, burn-y, sexually frustrated, anxious, embarrassed, angry. It transforms sex and sexuality into frightening demons.

I'm terrified of being permanently broken. Doomed to walk an eternity of unpenetrative, unorganismic, purgatory. Until I just die of sexual frustration and loneliness. God is one sick fuck if he's up there.

...

This is how I felt earlier this morning. Just very angry. Me and my 'friend' had stayed up real late trying to have anal and it simply would not work (And by try, I mean an honest try: with tons of vaseline, sexytimes, one finger, two finger, red finger, blue finger....) . I got extremely angry, and I find it hard to articulate all the finer points of my strong emotion. Suffice it to say, I am tired of failure. I want it to work, and I want it to work now. Body, you already have my vagina all to yourself, SO WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? I have made my choice, but my sphincters have made another. Fuck this shit.

I must be missing something here, because it always feels like I'm on the cusp of something. The cusp of orgasm, the cusp of penetration, the cusp of muscle loosening. I put a finger in my vagina and it didn't burn, I felt a small circular muscle. I poked within it. I have entered the second gates.

This post is nothing more than a record of: I've fallen and I got up again shortly thereafter.

Flattery.

Flattery is a dangerous thing. But it would be ridiculous for a person to claim that they are immune to flattery. Nobody is immune. A strong opinion? Perhaps. But who doesn't like to be complimented? Who doesn't like to feel safe and secure in their worth to others? I don't know many people like that.

So when someone tries to imply that I'm silly for succumb to flattery in some manner, I have to stifle my bitter laughter. He who points the finger of blame is probably the most vulnerable of all. Be honest with yourself, we are all human here. We feel emotions, and sometimes we act on those emotions to our benefit or detriment.

In Which A Post Has No Real Purpose

I am my most dangerous poison, but also my most potent antidote.

I have been fortunate in having had the experience of 'safe' partners. No matter how the situation ended, how pleasurable it could have or should have or was or wasn't, I have never found myself being pressured or coerced in anyway. And in that way, I have found my encounters to be extremely satisfying (Although not without problems! But they were never damaging in any way). I hope it continues to be like this.

I'd like to write more about relationships, but alas, the damn night shift beckons me to its mind-numbing maw.

A Fine Line

There's a fine line between virgin and not virgin. Actually, there's no line between virgin and not virgin. Why? Because virginity the concept can be extended to anything. In practice, people seem to hold a lot of worth around penis in vagina = pure. But what about all the exceptions? What about a person who still has tons of anal? Tons of oral? Jerks off in front of a camera? Grinds naked on other people? Is a lesbian? Do you still consider these people virgins? I sure as hell wouldn't, because what really changes after piv sex that doesn't change after these kinds of sex? Except for the fear of pregnancy. In a strong, loving relationship, what really changes from fingers in vagina, mutual jerking off, to piv sex?

I think people are expecting this huge change in their perspective and who they are. But really,this is just like anything else. Its awkward at first, you learn to do it, it feels good, you do it some more. Call me crazy, but I don't see this being that much more different. That said, I would really like to get to that point of course, but I don't see it making me a 'more complete person' although it might help alleviate a lot of sexual tension and further the orgasm seeking cause. And that I can get behind. Or in front of. Or reverse cowgirl, what have you.

People

It frightens me that there are people out there who able to cause so much pain. People who masquerade themselves as nice, normal human beings. But they are hollow. They are full of nothing but bitter acid. They don't understand, and they don't try to understand. They are simple hedonists floating on the surface, doing what they want from second to second that feels good, never thinking of the consequences. They never really take in anything. They only are. And they hurt. And they hurt. And they never, ever learn.

And those people scare me more than anything.

Some Fighting Words For the Records

I have no room in my life for people who insult me. If you don't like who I am and what I believe in, why are you even hanging out with me? What do you stand to gain from this 'friendship'? All you do is put me down, accuse me of things, cut me off.

You are an asshole plain and simple, and I don't want to talk to you anymore. So get the fuck out of my way. You're a little weirdo with an ego problem. You need to grow the fuck up and learn how to apologize. "I'm sorry you are offended" is the most offensive cop-out excuse for an apology. Honestly, what is wrong with you?

I think you get some sort of sick pleasure out of this, but the truth is. You are wrong. You don't know anything about me. Because you weren't listening ever. You think I'm weak. You think that there's something wrong with the way I am. But here's the kicker. I love who I am. I love that I'm self depreciating, cynical, honest. I like the way I see the world. I like being an atheist, I like that I'm scared of things, that I can be lazy and loud. Because that is what I am. And I love my self and my condition for better or worse. I am not something to be overcome. I am what I am on good days and bad days. And you wont understand that, because you're an insensitive prick.

I think I've been more than generous throughout this, but I don't have any desire to be your friend. I want you out of my life.

(Look, I don't know where you got this idea that being friends with someone involves insulting, correcting and accusing them of lying constantly. But it's fucking shitty and I am not amused. Respond how you will, but I gave you a chance to see how you would act in person, and I have never felt so insulted in my life. I don't know what your problem is, but it is clear to me that you don't understand how to be considerate of other people's feeling and be mature about it. So consider this my resignation to this friendship. I will still be civil to you, but I'm not willfully subjecting myself to anymore of this hurtful behavior.)