When I'm Feeling Defeated

When I'm feeling defeated, I tell myself that there was a time I couldn't touch my own vulva. Not a single part. If I had a clothing fiber, or a stray hair I wanted to get rid of, I couldn't. I would start feeling faint. I couldn't touch there without shaking. When my partner tried to go down on me I would lay there silently, with my legs clenched tightly wondering what these feelings were and why I enjoyed the sensations. I couldn't spread my labia without feeling sick. I couldn't clean myself properly, I felt itchy and uneasy about my body. It disgusted me. I hated it. I had never touched the opening of my vulva. I had never touched my anus. I loathed these parts of me.

And then, something changed. I patiently sat each day after my shower, examining myself. Pushing that envelope ever so slowly until I didn't feel a burning sensation. My skin was mine and my own. I could even masturbate by touching myself. I could wash the outside and enjoy my own body. It's difficult to explain to someone who wasn't experienced it what its like to be an enemy of your own body. And how good it feels to triumph.

Even more amazingly, in the summer of 2012, I sat in front of a mirror and put a finger into my vagina. I watched some dirty videos on the internet, stripped down and challenged myself.  At that point of my life, I had never ever touched that part of myself. It confused me, weirded me out. What the hell was that? This is weird, this is disgusting, I hated myself more. I cried a little, I dry heaved. But I never hurt myself. I was determined. I furiously masturbated everyday, with no shame or regret. I was probably the horniest I'd ever been in my life. It was confusing, but the momentum was great.

Now, my sex drive has quelled a little bit. I have been clouded by frustration again. I want to just be done with it. I was to just fuck and fuck and cum, and have all kinds of disgusting and shameful and confusing experiences. And a year ago, I probably would have never believed that a person like me would say words like fuck and cum. But here I am, typing this on the internet. Maybe someone I know will stumble across this and figure out its me. Who knows. It's a little unnerving I guess. But if you are here, whoever you are, I say this:

Hello, and welcome to my world.