So after an incident referred to in the last post, which was involved a confusing event later referred to as sex. I straddled my partner's half erect penis and tried to put it in. Which was slightly stressful and confusing and close to intercourse but not quite there yet. So we went back to the drawing board. We left off at dilator 2, which went all the way in. And now yesterday and today we put dilator 3 roughly 50% of the way in. (I put it in gently of course, at a distance of roughly 50%). There are 5 dilators. The last being of a relatively gratuitous size. If I graduate to dilator 4, I could potentially take an entire dick of modest size. However, I try to remind myself that laying still and slowly inserting a piece of rigid plastic into my vagina at a snails pace and leaving it still for 5-6 minutes isn't even remotely close to real sex. But knowing that I have the space for a penis sized object would be a huge improvement, Huge. So for positivity sake, lets go through the list of milestones I've achieved:
1. Complete desensitization to body: I have touched every part of my body. Put my finger in as far as possible, can look at my body parts in the mirror without feelings of nausea. Even the ass region. Can simply touch in between the labia and etc. It's a non-issue.
2. Learned to orgasm by someone else's hand: Multiple times! This shit is great. Tiring, but great. Feeling myself let go, feeling crazy insane feelings that border too much, not enough, tears, smiles, over the rainbow good. Terrifying. Ecstasy. Again and again.
3. Learned to orgasm by my own hand: Work in progress, but I managed to orgasm during a mutual getting off event. It was cool.
4. Went to the gyno: I went, and talked about my issues. And then took my underwear off. And stuff. Then I peed in a cup and got charged 100 bucks for it. Live and Learn
5.Insert a finger during sexual activity: Only happened once where it went in all the way. But it still happened.
6. Talked to people I didn't necessarily feel close to or trust about sex: It's almost not a big deal anymore to talk about sex casually to friends, or even to reveal my 'disability'. Almost may be a little overoptimistic. But I still have consulted with people about sexual issues.
7. Inserted dilator one all the way in: 2.5 inches long
8. Inserted dilator 2 all the way in: 3.5 inches long
9. Had the tip of a penis enter. Unsure of how deep it actually was. But it was in there. There was a little thrusting action. I certainly wouldn't be able to join a nunnery.
10. Cried tears of joy during sexual activity. These weren't scared tears, trauma tears, no curling up into a ball. Just joy tears. Sweet sweet hormones.
So there is much much progress. Unfortunately it seems I went and got myself single again .May not be permanent. Or it may be. I don't know. I couldn't handle it. Sometimes its okay to admit you cant handle it.
Thanks for your insightful as always comment on my blog. "Happiness is a long process. But the rewards are infinite." I might actually put that on my wall. I'm feeling a lot better now, I should probably stop thinking my mood swings are permanent things. but like you said it's a process.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're feeling a little better too. I hope the whole being single thing is going ok! and doesn't slow you down from continuing to accomplish your goals haha ;)