2012 in Review

Like last year, I will endeavor to create a thoughtful review of 2012, which has been full of a lot of interesting stuff.

The Beginning of 2012 was not off to a good start. With a very negative outlook shown in This Post, I didn't expect much to come of the new year. I had a crappy New Year's eve sitting around with some people who didn't feel like going out. I was lonely and hurting. Still living with my ex but we weren't speaking. Just got over my crush of last semester. I was ready to be done with the pain. Started thinking about rebuilding my life. Came back for my final semester.

The dark ages were over, and the golden age was about to begin. I was hungry and poor, my life was stressful. I found solace in a very amazing friend. I discovered alcohol for real this time. I discovered the strangeness of losing control, that amazing unbridled euphoria rolling on the ground laughing. Making friends, learning. Being social all the time. Learning to love and feel. My heart was turning over again, it was wanting to be felt. I was learning how to be a true friend, and learning what true friends were. People loved me for who I was. They liked the clothing I wore, the music I listened to, the jokes and stories I told. I could be there for them when I needed to. My pain had faded to the background. No one new about my past. I was gaining perspective. My desire for happiness ignited in a blind hopeful flame. It refused to be extinguished.

And then, that thing happened. That incident, the one that should have been a harbinger. The thing that should have warned me to steel myself, to stop the fires of happiness from spreading. But I couldn't see. That man, that man who had felt a pang of hunger while out in the wilderness, and blindly reached his hand into the water in the hopes of catching a fish. He caught it somehow. And then, wriggling in his arms, fighting for life, he realized the ridiculousness of his choice. What was he going to do with fish now that he caught it?

Warm smiles, kind words, shy but prolonged embraces. Seemed a little too good to be true. Waking up every morning with the sun in my face, the same track playing on my cd player. Too high, too fast. Very awkward first gropings, first time seeing a new person naked. I was terrified, shaking the whole time. But I was reassured. Sweaty in the dawn light, the sound of birds chirping, spring breeze creeping through the windows. I felt liberated. I felt my first guiltless sexual encounter.

But then, that wriggling fish should have been back in the water all along. Should have never been taken out in the first place. Things started to unravel, I felt rejected, hurtful words were said to me. I was lied to repeatedly, then reassured, then insulted. It was manipulative. Things started to rapidly become very stressful. I couldn't focus anymore, the pain I had previously ignored started to bubble up. My secret past became known. I was starting to feel the pain every morning again.

And then, I was released. But I wasn't ready yet. Burdened with the pains before me, it came crashing down like a flash flood in a canyon. I was in so, so much pain. Complete and utter breakdown. Probably the scariest moment of my life. I was so afraid. Afraid the pain would never leave. Felt alone and terrified. Catalyst to bring someone back into my life. Felt the feeling of sad and beautiful reconciliation. The touch of someone who loves you. That warm, wonderful but painful feeling. The start of something more confusing. A lot of pain.

Ups and Downs, ups and downs. Sun and cherry blossom trees and graduation. Being forced to see the same person who caused me so much pain. Constantly oscillated between pain and happiness. Friends and exes, friends and exes. Then just friends and happiness, and cuddly fun, new experiences. And very suddenly, a lot of nothing. A very stressful living situation, an entire season of uncertainty. Torture. Somewhere in that torture was born a beautiful healthy libido. And a desire to reclaim my own body.

But then it rectified. Life became stable and comfortable again. Making money, making new friends, becoming more comfortable in myself, in my appearance, in my sexuality, my choices. And now life is bustling with activity and socializing. Thanksgiving and Christmas weren't occasions for me to sit and feel pain. They were just holidays.

Everything is always moving forward everyday. With a pleasant New Year's celebration, momentum only moves forward with each passing day.