Monday, December 23, 2013

Sexual frustration

Is it possible to die of sexual frustration? Cause I feel I'm getting close. Seriously, I'm miserable.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Protip

Orgasms help relieve period cramps. Just an FYI.

I'm trying hard, but really I'm just losing it lately. Had some serious suicidal ideations which forced me to back up and reexamine my life. I'm very much not attracted to a lot of people I used to feel strongly for, as well as 100% of the people I meet on OkCupid. Feeling very confused and overwhelmed but a lot of intangible things. I'm just trying to survive the holidays and fix my 'problem'.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Back in The Game

After going very far back in the progress. I'm back to the number 4 dilator sort of. But I have no one to practice on. Everybody is annoying me. So deceptive and dismissive of my feelings.

I had a really difficult holiday break. Having spent every holiday of my life hanging out with my grandfather. The silence is deafening. And here I am alone again. Wondering if I'm going crazy or just feeling the normal range of feelings any person would under these circumstances.

I would just like a support partner right now. Nothing crazy. Maybe even like a casual sex partner. Somebody who was really kind and sweet but just got beaten down in life so badly that they can't feel anymore. And they just want to share a few quick breaths and a groan so that they can feel human again.

I wish I could feel human again.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Vagina Stream of Consciousness

I want to let go. I want to let it all go. I want to be relaxed and free and doing the dirtiest of things. I want to peel off all my sexual woes and personal trauma and bask in the nudity of my thoughts. To be soft and cuddly, yet slick and sweaty.

I am ready

I am ready

I am ready to be done. I'm ready to push the limits and enter the unknown. I want to have sex. I want to be an active participant in my own encounters. To not be afraid or shaking or stiff. To say dirty words. No more dilator sessions, just real life field experience. No more guilt, anger or resentment.

We are so close!

Working the number four dilator. And number five is huge and I probably don't need to actually fit it in in order to have sex. Maybe I'll try it for fun, but really if I can do the four I'll be golden. I got maybe 3.5/4 inches in the last few times. Not bad.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

I don't know what I'm doing anymore

Lately my heart seems to swell whenever I talk to you. It threatens to rise out of my chest like a helium filled balloon. Expanding and floating away into the wind, over a rainbow-filled field of sunflowers, in the countryside of a land known as Love.

I don't even know what that means or what I'm doing anymore.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Trigger Warning

What makes somebody a molester? And what happens when you get molested? Is there something you have to do or say?

A guy put his hand down my pants at a party. It was fucked up for a lot of reasons. Cause I didn't understand why it was so bad. I was drunk, the room was dark and foggy. All I thought was "Ha, I hope he touched my pubes and was grossed out." I was confused, I immediately walked upstairs into the bathroom, but I was disoriented. I dropped a piece of my costume into the toilet. So there I was wringing it out over the toilet bowl wondering why I was always targeted first. I never, smiled, made eye contact or talked to this dude. He was talking to all kinds of girls, but he went straight for me. I took a step back and said Whoa There. Or something like that to indicate displeasure. But I felt bad. I didn't want to cause a scene or hurt his feelings. That's fucked up. I didn't want to hurt this molesters feelings. He got kicked out eventually for something unrelated, and everybody was angry that I didn't say something earlier. I didn't want to cause a scene. I just wanted to enjoy my evening, for it to be quick and done with and to leave me alone. I didn't really care about kissing him, I didn't want to but it wasn't traumatic. I just didn't care. But don't touch my private parts, or my ass crack or whatever you touched.

It reminded me of when I met this guy on his birthday. I wished him a happy birthday and later offered him my seat when the bar filled up. I was trying to be friendly. He started confessing his love to me and saying how hot I was. How I should come back to his friends place. I laughed and said nothing. I was with a huge group of people who didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I was really really drunk. I kept going into the bathroom to hide. I eventually texted my roommate SOS for loss of what to do. She immediately came to get me. I said I was leaving, he started groping me and making out with my closed lips. My roommate started hitting him with a stick. He didn't seem to notice. I was in a huge group of people who just shrugged.

I saw him again and he was really apologetic. I believed him. I saw him again and told him to come chat with me at the bar. I was trying to make amends since he seems sincerely apologetic. One beer later and hes already making passes at me again. I ignored him and talked to somebody else. People seemed to sympathize with him, but definetly not me.

One time a 50 something year old man walked me and my roommate home. He walked us home and just kept going until he came into our house. We didn't know what to say or do. I hugged him as politely as possible and told him goodnight. I was scared to be alone. I ran away every time I saw him.

Conversely, one time I went over to a guy's house in his late 40s. I tenderly sipped a glass of while shaking with nervousness. Then I took off my clothes and asked him to jerk me off. He was nervous too, he hesitated but I kept pushing it. We were stroking and massaging each other very softly and sensually. We weren't drunk, just two nervous horny people. He came, but I didn't know how to back then. I felt surreal. What the heck was I doing? I was dangerous, but I wasn't in danger. Never were the boundaries crossed. So very gentle, yet raw. Utmost simplicity in lovemaking. Or so I thought. Later on I found it odd, but never gross or scary. Just an amazement that I did that. And I didn't get drugged or raped. And believe me, any bystander would have sickly declared that I asked for it. But I didn't.

The major difference being a concerted desire, equal on both ends and enthusiastically consented to. Even though we were both nervous and hesitant. We both clearly enjoyed ourselves. Even if it was a tiny bit fucked up.






Thursday, October 31, 2013

Dilator 4 Progress and Why The Hell Am On OKCupid?

Seriously, why am I on okcupid? I don't like anybody and I'm scared of intimacy. People seem so boring and sketchy and only interested in sex. Like I'm so suspicious and I can't reply to anybody's messages on time and I assume they are all creepos or gross even when they probably aren't. And I don't want to meet up with anyone or give out my phone number. I don't feel like making time or being friendly. What the hell am I doing? I'm probably PMSing. Or wayyy too jaded to think about love again.

I'm sick of people lying to me and I'm hurting about being cheated on. I know it's going to be okay, but still. I hurt regardless. People make mistakes, and people can makes amends. But god damn. Betrayal.

Dilator four went in really far, almost all the way. 4 is basically a dick, if I could detach a guy's dick from his body and spend 5-10 minutes slowly easing it into my finicky vagina, while laying there like a dead fish and making weird breathing sounds and doing approximately 0 sexy actions. Sounds really cool to me.

Sometimes I fear I am being eaten alive by my own bitterness and self-criticism. The holidays are not going to do me well this year. And I'm going to have to do it alone. Lest I find my soulmate on okcupid who doesn't want to meet up and can stay hard for the entirety of the above scenario I explained and be okay with that. Then I'd probably be disappointed that he's too boring.

Christ, what a mess.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

That awkward moment when you can't blame PMS

It's just really really early pms, yeah definitely that. Not the fact that I have no close friends anymore, work a menial job, am stuck in a stupid love triangle of exes who have utterly failed me, ignored everybody's texts, can't drive anywhere on my day off cause I don't have a car, have to face a holiday with about half as many family members as before...

The world is gross sometimes. Just gross. But whatever, it goes on anyways. In the scope of things, this post will be the least defining moment in my life in the end. Whatever my life turns out to be, and whoever I'm with and whatever I do. And that's that.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

I'm Angry and I Have No Friends

See title.

I am doomed to be the world's emotional dumpster until I find a way to stop letting that happen. I feel suddenly that life is absolutely and debilitating-ly suffocating to me.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Dilator 3 not a fluke and Other Assorted Childhood TMI (Trigger warning)

Got it all the way in again!!! not a fluke. Still, not even remotely close to how sex works. But I'm amazed at how the healing process seems to be going lightning fast as I become more and more comfortable in my sexuality and attitudes on life.

On another note. Not that I feel the need to explain myself, but here's some things I thought about in the past few days. And because I feel socially removed from the world, painfully single and confused, and I avoid talking to people at work to avoid conflicts, here I am talking to my blog.

When I was about 7-8 years old I had a neighbor I never wanted to be alone with but always got stuck alone with. I didn't like him. He was frightening and weird and I wanted to hang out with the girls. When we were alone together he swore at me and choked me. When he didn't like the way video games were goin he'd put the controllers down his pants so they'd touch his junk and then we couldn't play anymore. One time he 'accidentally' swung a huge stick and hit me in the head with it. I don't think for one second that this was an accident. I was facing the other way minding my own business when he came up behind me and did it. My head swelled up for days. Nobody did anything about it.

When he had to play with all the girls and he didn't like that we were playing barbies, he literally poop on our stuff. He'd just poop in his boxers, stand up and let it drop on our stuff. One time he was in the pool, and when he got out he came into the house, took off his swimsuit and shook his dick at us until my sister and I hid behind and cried.

Then we were walking in the woods one day and he found a knife in the ground and chased us around and it was so incredibly scary/why were we allowed to be in the woods alone at age 8/why didn't anybody stop him/why did we continually have to endure this persons presence/ it's so mind boggling to me.

That's the stuff I remember clearly and succinctly. I used to pee my pants constantly for most of my childhood. Like not a full on pee. Like, it just came out in little trickles every time I stood up and walked around. Like my bladder muscles weren't strong enough to hold in the pee. I walked really funny because I was trying to hold it in. People remarked on it, it was really painfully obvious. Nobody did anything though. I never ever said anything to anyone or figured out why that happened. Was I injured? Did something happen?

My scary neighbor made a clay statue of dick when we were sitting on the driveway one time. I asked what it was? He said, "Haven't you seen your dad's?" I had a nightmare that night about it.

I used to suffer from a lot of intrusive thoughts and fears about sitting on a pokey metal objects--getting penetrated by strange metal spikes. Why did I think about these things? Where did I get this imagery from?

Was I molested...? Honestly I don't know. I think I'd remember something like that. But really, the fact remains that whatever these things were that happened, my brain and body reacted like I was. To think that I need to explain myself, or need to be 'really traumatized' or whatever the fuck dumb shit I previously thought isn't productive at this point. The point is, some disturbing shit, followed by some more disturbing shit, coupled with a lack of any reliable sexual info, a religious upbringing, a late sexual flowering, a struggle with anxiety, lead to a gross and out of control soup of intense sexual dysfunction, which has taken years of effort to realize and actively correct. A lot of blood sweat and tears in which the only visible product is going to be the outcoming sexual productivity I will experience in the rest of my twenties and thirties and onwards. And when I'm fucking 97 years old I'm gonna hobble over on my walker to the near male and have the best sex I can reasonably have. Because I deserve it.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Manly Man's Men -- AKA WTF Gender Roles

A man decided to tell me today that I needed a man's man. I asked him to explain more. He said I needed someone who would pull my hair, wouldn't ask for permission and wouldn't want to talk about his feelings. I nodded intrigued, but really I'm like WTF WHY WOULD I EVER WANT THAT?? Aside from the fact that I really don't like rough sex, (Presumably that's what the pulling my hair and not asking for permission thing was about) this sounds like the most boring, confusing, chock full of resentment hypothetical relationship I could ever conjure up.

A relationship should be a partnership, not some weird play where one half tries desperately never to show the characteristics of the other half, which he thinks are weak and inferior. If its so inferior to be feminine, why are you continuously drawn to it? Why do you want my crying, emotion feeling, hairless, over makeup-ed body so much if its so abhorrent to you? (for the record I am not hairless or makeup-ed , not that there's anything wrong with that, more just the standard of that) Maybe you should do the real manly thing and just have manly rough emotionless sex with other manly rough emotionless men.

This confuses me greatly, because even though the men I dated had plenty of stereotypically masculine characteristics. They seemed way more nuanced and equal and smart than the men this guy describes. The world this guy describes sounds like a gross crisscrossed place where people are constantly being tempted and then loathing themselves for giving into the simplest urge or desire. Where women 'rope' men into a stale relationship and marriage, and men 'trick' women into having one-sided sex with them. Which would just continually cycle into the same feelings over and over until eternity.

Imagine a world with guys wearing skirts, crying when they hold their newborn baby for the first time, women had multiple orgasms, didn't feel like they shouldn't have sex on the first date, people had open and honest discussions about their relationship problems.

And you man's men can talk about all those girly girly men with their long eyelashes, and pretty, soft, uncalloused skin, and thin muscle-less bodies wearing ladies panties...like that's supposed to be an insult or something. Sounds like heaven to me.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

For lack of insightful things to say

Feeling breakup pain, confusion, a desire to succeed. Constantly trying to be a pillar of strength for other while figuring out the meaning of love. Not an easy task.

Rebounded with ex. Or exes to be exact. Two people that I love. And yet, they have failed me so much in so many ways that it confuses me. So instead I have sex with them. Beautiful loving and confusing sex. Because I think that they are beautiful, and they think I'm beautiful. So in a fucked up way its nice to be desired. But honestly I'm having trouble feeling anything but the most surface level feelings. I am warm on the surface but dead cold on the inside. Rolling through the days really. But it's okay.

Third dilator went all the way in today. All the way in. Took some time, was not feeling good due to being on the downswing of the menstrual cycle. Tends to make things feel more burny than usual. But I kept persevering and trying to figure out how the muscles worked. And it didn't seem to be worked but I was so sure I could do it. And then suddenly I feel this gentle current inside me. Seemed to be accepting it like peristalsis almost. and then it was in. Like really in. If I let go of it it didn't get pushed out. Pretty crazy stuff.

Perhaps more perplexing was that although I was expecting to see the dried brown blood that was already inside me, there was a new red blood that also came out. Did that come from me? Did I hurt myself. Was there still hymen? Thinking about that made my head hurt a little. Blood doesn't usually bother me, but vagina blood is a whole other story! It's not the blood itself, but the fact that I had something in me that needed to be broken. Blech. I haven't pushed my body unreasonably, so it could just be an inevitable thing. Glad to have discovered it by my own hands and not somebody else.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Dilator Three

So after an incident referred to in the last post, which was involved a confusing event later referred to as sex. I straddled my partner's half erect penis and tried to put it in. Which was slightly stressful and confusing and close to intercourse but not quite there yet. So we went back to the drawing board. We left off at dilator 2, which went all the way in. And now yesterday and today we put dilator 3 roughly 50% of the way in. (I put it in gently of course, at a distance of roughly 50%). There are 5 dilators. The last being of a relatively gratuitous size. If I graduate to dilator 4, I could potentially take an entire dick of modest size. However, I try to remind myself that laying still and slowly inserting a piece of rigid plastic into my vagina at a snails pace and leaving it still for 5-6 minutes isn't even remotely close to real sex. But knowing that I have the space for a penis sized object would be a huge improvement, Huge. So for positivity sake, lets go through the list of milestones I've achieved:

1. Complete desensitization to body: I have touched every part of my body.  Put my finger in as far as possible, can look at my body parts in the mirror without feelings of nausea. Even the ass region. Can simply touch in between the labia and etc. It's a non-issue.

2. Learned to orgasm by someone else's hand: Multiple times! This shit is great. Tiring, but great. Feeling myself let go, feeling crazy insane feelings that border too much, not enough, tears, smiles, over the rainbow good. Terrifying. Ecstasy. Again and again.

3. Learned to orgasm by my own hand: Work in progress, but I managed to orgasm during a mutual getting off event. It was cool.

4. Went to the gyno: I went, and talked about my issues. And then took my underwear off. And stuff. Then I peed in a cup and got charged 100 bucks for it. Live and Learn

5.Insert a finger during sexual activity: Only happened once where it went in all the way. But it still happened.

6. Talked to people I didn't necessarily feel close to or trust about sex: It's almost not a big deal anymore to talk about sex casually to friends, or even to reveal my 'disability'. Almost may be a little overoptimistic. But I still have consulted with people about sexual issues.

7. Inserted dilator one all the way in: 2.5 inches long

8. Inserted dilator 2 all the way in: 3.5 inches long

9. Had the tip of a penis enter. Unsure of how deep it actually was. But it was in there. There was a little thrusting action. I certainly wouldn't be able to join a nunnery.

10. Cried tears of joy during sexual activity. These weren't scared tears, trauma tears, no curling up into a ball. Just joy tears. Sweet sweet hormones.

So there is much much progress. Unfortunately it seems I went and got myself single again .May not be permanent. Or it may be. I don't know. I couldn't handle it. Sometimes its okay to admit you cant handle it. 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Practice makes perfect

I may have had the closest thing to sex in my life thus far. It was pretty much a nonevent as far as these things could go. I'm thankful for that. To be completely honest, I can't even tell if something is in my vagina most of the time, so I couldn't actually tell you whether I had sex or not. Boyfriend seems to think so. So let him make the call. He knows more about these things than I do.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day.

You know, I think of myself as a kind and forgiving person. A person who doesn't like conflict, a person who is honest, forthright,tries to do the right thing. I'd like to think that i'd absorb the sins of the world if it made everybody feel better.

But you know, sometimes, sometimes its just way more than I could reasonably handle. Way more than could be reasonably forgiven, reasonably swept under the rug, reasonably swallowed. I didn't ask to be born you know, just like I didn't ask for the childhood trauma that made me be the way I am, I didn't ask for my dog to be so messed up, for four of my family members to die, I didn't ask for the depression, the ocd, the anxiety, I didn't ask to be here. I didn't ask for you to hurt me the way you did. I didn't ask for that. I wouldn't ask for your forgiveness if I misstep like that in my life. I didn't ask for that.

I didn't ask to be a sad sad person who just takes and takes it. I can't be anything more than myself. I really just can't. So why, why is it never enough? When do I get to be good enough, strong enough, sexy enough? When do the tears stop? When does it get better?

Happy fucking birthday to me. Happy birthday you stupid piece of shit. You will struggle. You will open your eyes and walk your tired stupid sad self to your stupid piece of shit job and you will do it again and again and again. And you will do that because you are alive and breathing. You hurt because you live. So live for those who can't. Even if you hate yourself. Live and loathe.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Why am I suddenly following my own blog?

"Good porn is like good music. It's out there, but more often than not, you have to go looking or you'll end up with something repulsive you can't get out of your head."

Comment from last weeks Savage Love 

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Dilator Number One!

Got dilator two in all the way for the second time. So it was not a fluke! Dare I try number two for next week's exercise?

I was having some difficulties sleeping lately, feeling very nervous which I didn't like. It's amazing how much a good night's sleep can have on your body's chemistry. I wonder if have the severity of my depression wasn't just sadness about not sleeping. My skin used to be so bad, I had constant diarrhea, stomach pains, couldn't focus, and at one point the muscle that held up my eyelid actually stopped working so my one eye constantly looked droopy. Those were just some horrible times. And it amazes me how few people seemed to acknowledge it. I was just so fricken hard on myself all the time. Sometimes it took all the energy I had left just to hate myself. I just hated myself around the house basically, denying myself food, sleep, showers or video games. I did things that I found intentionally uncomfortable. I was a prisoner to my horrible and sadistic self.

Amazing really, how powerful the brain can be, truly amazing. Progress onwards.


Wednesday, July 24, 2013

The dilators have arrived

Progress Log!!

Dilators arrived, there's five of them, they fit together like russian dolls in a little canvas bag. The instructions were outrageously simple.

-Wash dilator
-Apply lube
-Spread legs
-Insert slowly as far as comfortable and leave for five minutes
-Remove and rinse
-Repeat as needed

And so, after puttering about for a day or two, getting called out by the boyfriend for puttering about, and crying a little in frustration blah blah blah serious conversation, woe is me why was a born such a horrible stupid failure conversation, I decided to stop saying a bunch of ideas I no longer subscribed to and set an agenda.

Every day I get back from work, sign into my sex tumblr. Look at some sexy images, get out the vibrator, get relaxed, do the steps listed above and see how it goes. Then I take a nice shower and be done with it. See how I feel and then do it again the next day. Just finished the third day, this is how it went.

Day 1: Was at the boyfriend's house. At his urging I went into his room with the Number 1 size dilator and a some noise canceling headphones. Tried to relax, very unsuccessfully. Felt defeated. Inserted dilator, accompanied by severe burning sensation in urethral area, some internal burning, anxiety. Pushed on just a bit more than necessary. Thought I wasn't making any progress. Removed dilator to find it had actually been about 50-60% of the way in. Burning and discomfort persisted until I left the shower. Wondered if I could ever be normal.

Day 2: On my own time, did the following steps listed above. Was scared, but not as scared as the previous day. Tried to insert dilator, more pain and burning. Tried to open my legs. Caused a large amount of anxiety. Slowly opened my knees with the dilator in until anxiety faded. Left it in 60% of the way for about 5 minutes. Anxiety subsided but physical success only increased by a small percentage

Day 3: Lay on my bed expecting similar results, but was surprised to feel just a little burning. Tried to push it in a little further but it didn't seem like it was going to move. I lay there like that very still. Then I suddenly looked down to see it had gone all the way in. Like my body just suddenly engulfed it. I lay like that for about 5 minutes. Celebrated and took a long shower.

PROGRESS.

Day

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Update--Warning: Bad Grammar Ahead!

So I went to my appointment and survived.

Not only did I survive. I had one of the most amazing ob-gyn's I could have had. It was really more of a therapy appointment than anything else. Turns out I didn't need a pap smear, having such a low risk of having HPV. But she did put her finger in slightly, gave me an external exam, etc. to give me peace that I did in fact have a vagina. She encouraged me to purchase a set of vaginal dilators (which according to USPS could be here tomorrow!!) gave me a plastic speculum and some pap smear q tips to experiment with on my own, as well as an enlightening discussion of sexuality, 70s era feminism and why people can never pronounce anybody's last names!

Interestingly enough, I discussed with her the moment in time where I thought I developed vaginismus. I had always thought it wasn't legit enough. After all, I haven't ever been actually sexually assaulted, all my sex partners have been kind and gentle, and as far as I know, I haven't had any alarming genital contact at all. But apparently, sitting outside the door listening to something traumatic happening to somebody else actually counts as trauma. Which of course, seems really obvious in hindsight, but then there's that little complicating thing called Perspective. Which blurs everything and makes it hard to look from the outside (Of yourself? The only person you actually truly know.) and makes it hard to know which events are Really Bad instead of just Regular Bad. Hearing her reaction to my story made me feel incredibly validated. Like, Really? You think that an entire lifetime of sexual dysfunction, shame and admittedly, even at its lowest point suicidal ideation was actually a reasonable reaction to that event? Oh...

And that's that. That's the simplicity of seeking help really. All the scary, all the buildup, tears, anger, irritation the "I cannot do this" and the  "this wont work". These are just simple words, with simple causes, explanations, and yes, even solutions. There is always a way up, and a way out.

She told me that there were other people like me, that some households had very different "vagina cultures" that made people's outlook on sex and sexual health very different from one another. She told me that I didn't have to subject myself to any part of the examination that I didn't want to. She told me that I was an amazing and strong person, that I took an amazing initiative to my own health, my progress seemed amazing, and that whoever I ended up with would be very lucky. I'd like to think that she's right. I am very flattered and very grateful.

Even a few days later, when my perspective on things often shifts drastically, I feel 100% positive and confident in my first successful visit to the gynecologist. (Although actually my second visit, the first ended in hysterics, although that doctor was very nice too. I just really wasn't ready.)

Looking forward to my incoming package this week. Will update with dilator progress!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

The Final Frontier

Can't stop crying. I know that this is something that I want. No easy way out, no magic pill, cream or words to make it less scary. This is something that I want. I want to be normal, I want to be loved.

"Above all else, know that no matter how conflicted, fearful or traumatic your relationship to your genital are, it can change drastically for the better." Leah Lakshmi.

This I want to believe.

I want to believe.

I want to believe.

In just a few hours.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

The final countdown and 100th post

My GYN appointment is on wednesday. And although I'm more determined to get this over with than paralyzingly afraid, I still have my doubts. I can just see myself being assigned somejackass doctor that dismisses my opinions and doesn't help me. I feel very unsure of my abilities to assert myself and get answers.

All and all, I feel rather sad lately. I lay in bed and there's tears. Maybe it's hormonal. Or maybe I just feel lonely. I feel like I can't connect to anyone. I feel paranoid that everybody is against me. That my boyfriend is going to dump me. That I have no friends. The my ex is plotting to make me miserable for all eternity. Maybe I've been wrong about everything. Maybe I'm amounting to nothing. Maybe I was better off never existing in the first place.

Because this is a secret blog, I can say that. I'm sitting amongst the possessions of my dead family members and it makes it hard to think that the world can be a positive place. I just want to curl up in bed and get a good nights sleep for once. Very sad and lonely.

(Even though I remember that there is much progress and I'm thankful for my life, even when it hurts. But I get to indulge myself in sadness too.)

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Orgasms!

Being a woman, figuring out the line between good feels and orgasms can be difficult. We don't frequently have ejaculate to 'mark' when we come. Sometimes there's small tremors, or a great big one, a few orgasms, or a plateau and no orgasms. It sometimes makes it really challenging to answer "Did you come?" I find my instinctual answer is, "Does it really matter?" If I say we should stop, I'm probably satisfied in some way or another, so does it really matter?

I find that guys find the concept of making girls come to be extremely important to their success as a man or something. It's something I often forget, not being a man, but it's so common in my experience for a partner to apologize or feel badly after a sexual encounter. And It makes me really start to understand why women fake orgasms. I mean, sometimes the line is so thin between orgasm or not, that to fake it doesn't actually require that much more effort. Simply responding yes to "did you come?" has a similar effect of making a guy feel good or manly versus bad or not enough. And it makes me wonder, what is wrong with our ideas on sex??

Why do we feel that there is a 'right way' to have sexual intercourse? Why do we think that there is a start and finish to every sexual encounter that's so cut and dry? And really, why does everything have to be cut and dry to begin with? Can't there be an inbetween? Yeah maybe I did want to come, but I was tired and I like being close to you? Or I wasn't really turned on much to begin with, but I liked the sensations regardless.

Anyways, I had my first set of somethings that I may definitively be able to call an orgasm. The thrashing, yelling, spasming kind. It was really cool, but it unsurprisingly hasn't invalidating any of my previous sexual experiences or relationships.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

A Post In Which UntrustUs Cries After Oral Sex

If I hadn't talked about crying during sex, or watched that Laci Green Video about crying during sex. I would be a lot more distressed. But you know, sometime stuff just feels good, and sometimes when we really let go, allow ourselves to orgasm and get that release our bodies do funny stuff. And I guess that's really the key here: Letting go, letting our bodies do the talking, allowing ourselves to experience things and giving ourselves permission to enjoy things even if we sometimes feel like we don't deserve it. Because that's wrong, we do deserve it. Because if we didn't, the sensations wouldn't be there to enjoy. So go out there and be your fabulous selves. And be okay with what may happen.

And for the record, the boyfriend wasn't weirded out about it at all. He thought it was really cute. And it probably boosted his ego a lot. And I orgasmed due to the most magical oral sex ever. So we all kinda won here.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

OB GYN

So...


With the desire of not wanting to die alone, I decided it was time to talk to a women's professional about what exactly was going on with my body. Was it all in my head? Was it all in my body? Is there something really wrong with me that requires surgery? Have I really just not broken my hymen yet? To be honest, I really don't know. Having only minimal experience probing around down there, and not having probed any other vaginas. What I thought made sense in my head, in recent context makes less sense than I thought.

There is a possibility that there really isn't anything wrong with me, besides a paralyzing fear of sex and penetration. And if that's true, that means there's a really easy fix for that: CBT and exposure and response therapy. CBT is a way of rationalizing one's fears so that they seem normal. It's super effective. If I can slowly expose myself to the things I fear most, I can slowly build an immunity to the fear response itself. Resulting in le sex.

But that's all assuming I can go through with this appointment, and they don't find anything wrong. I wonder. If I overcome this. I will have successfully conquered the greatest roadblock to my self esteem and well being. I wont have to fear anymore rejection or being seen as incomplete. And hey, I might even like it! I might really like it! And then I can use and abuse sex all I want and make stupid life choices and fall for people who are all wrong for me just like everybody else does. A normal person.

Just.

Like.

Everybody.

Else.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

A Lapse in Posting

I haven't posted lately due to being swept away in life at the moment. Working long hours, having a bf, getting annoyed at stuff, cooking a lot of meals and cleaning the shit out of the house. I don't really feel like typing into a computer. Especially since I've been journaling some feelings about sex. Almost every day when I remember to. I'm not sure if it's actually successful, or allowing me to explain to other people properly.

But It's a start. We gotta start somewhere. I put a small vibrator in again. I pushed it in even with resistance. It burned. But it went in. Made me wonder if that was a muscle anymore. Maybe that was something else. Hmm.

My friend blatantly asked me if I lost my virginity yet. That made me mad. Besides being a private matter, I feel like I have long since surpassed some dumb concept of virginity. Becoming a woman. being deflowered. etc...Maybe not in society's eyes. I guess I don't care, but I do care really. I just don't feel like talking about it to people who don't respect my privacy.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

I can't wait to have sex

What is love, and why is it so scary?


Sunday, May 12, 2013

Hurt

When you are an atheist there are some things that just can't be easy. An explaining death is one of them. See, to explain death means to say that I have been permanently severed from the people I love most. If I leave it in the hands of God. Maybe I'll see them again. But....I just can't believe it. I want to believe it. But it seems ridiculous. Is heaven a tangible place with dead people walking around in it? What age are they? Are they the age they died at? Are there babies who died in heaven? Do they age? How is there enough space for everyone?

I'm not buying, and yet. I just miss my grandfather so badly. I want to believe. The pain is just so great sometimes. I can hardly breathe. It hits me like a slap in the face. I say to myself. I hate reality. I hate life. I hate everything that could allow that to happen. I'm just so angry. And there isn't ever enough strength and positive energy and "it gets better" bullshit to fill that gaping void sometimes. I know it gets better. It got better the last three dead family members.

But I don't WANT it to be better or easier. I want it to be fixed. I want the grave injustice that is the wiping of this fantastic person from the earth so suddenly to be rectified. Immediately. I just want to throw myself down on the ground and throw a big baby tantrum until someone fixes it. But they wont. The world doesn't stop turning for anybody. There is no breaks or reprieves.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

A long overdue post

Haven't posted in awhile. I didn't feel like typing anything for awhile. Work schedule completely flip flopped. Hard to believe we are five months into 2013. Nothing but insanity since then. I love my life, even when it's annoying. I have so much to be thankful for.

Still hanging with maybe boyfriend. Things seem quite good, even in their weirdness. I guess the problem being that my ex has completely infiltrated all aspects of my life. (The places I hang out and the people I would hang out) so its not like I can bring this new guy around. So I've compensated by just not going out much at the moment. Which doesn't seem like the greatest idea. But i've been tired and irritable anyways so I guess I haven't really wanted to hang out anyways.

So even in these two paragraphs my mood and outlook seem to oscillate rapidly. I've been wishing I was still in college so I could hit up the counseling office. I think that would really help. Oh well, I have to take the good with the bad....

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Relationships

I want to be in a relationship. I'm also terrified to be in a relationship. But I want one anyways. I may not be myself lately, but I so badly want to be. I want good things. I want a good life. I want to love and be loved.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Privacy

This is a private blog for obvious reasons. Like how much I talk about private things and private parts. There are no names, places and events are meant to be vague. And most importantly, no person in my real life knows this URL. It's supposed to be like that.

What I wanted is to be able to express my thoughts without fear of people being offended or embarrassed, myself included. However, I place it in a public sphere because I want other people in the world to be able to read it. To read another person thoughts and realize that you are not alone is extremely comforting at times. To have the love and support of an anonymous is always comforting. And sometimes, the opportunity to have thoughts and opinions without them being assigned to you The Person, but rather you UntrustUs, some asshole on the internet who makes words.

And I want people to read in take comfort or interest in the words of UntrustUs, and not in My Real Identity. Because it's easier that way.

Which is why I found it so unsettling to find that Google has been linking my accounts with other easily identifiable accounts. Accounts that have my full name on them and such. It's slightly terrifying. I don't know why google is so adamant on the concept that we should be completely accountable for all our words all the time. Surprisingly, I don't want my post about buttsex to show up on my google+ news feed for all my friends and old professors to see. Imagine that!

Oh well, in the end. Words are words. I will continue to write them, just like I hope people continue to read them.


Monday, April 1, 2013

Biting Remarks

I have little patience for people who choose to repeatedly express thoughts they haven't clearly articulated. Use your damn brain and shut up. Don't fuck with people's heads. It seems like a given to me, but dating has told me that this is not a given to people. People think they can say whatever they want and then be able to retract with a magical apology later, which has the power to make words never have been said. No, that's just not true. Things you say should be indicative of the things you actually genuinely feel. And if they aren't, you are doing something wrong.

Own up to your own god damn feelings already.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Maybe Boyfriend?

I watched a movie with the nice guy I have a crush on the other day. And I so badly messed up the last time we watched a movie together that I figured the same thing would happen. But surprisingly enough, the progression of us sitting together to us making out, to getting naked together, was almost completely seamless. And wordless for that matter. I wasn't shaking like I normally am when hooking up for the first time (or honestly more times than the first time, I'm generally always shaking during any kind of sex). It was so sweet and nice, no pressure for anything, just some touching in the dark. We were talking all cutesy to each other already. And then some sleep cuddling. And then I was just so comfortable I didn't want to get out of bed.

I'm so confused, because after losing two family members in one week, I was starting to worry if I was capable of any feelings at all. This month has just been such a nightmare that I just wanted something nice to happen. So I guess I just don't really know how to react. Are we dating now? Cause i mean we've technically been dating all this time then, since we go out to dinner and whatnot. Does it count as dating now that we've seen each other naked?

At any rate...who cares. I just need something to take the edge off. Hopefully this is it. I'm apprehensive since it has been exactly a year since I've been in something formally known as a relationship. So I'm trying to be a little standoffish in order to avoid a feelings explosion of some sort.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Anal?

I really would like someone to come in my ass. My curiosity has been peaked and I really want to know how it feels. Just had casual sex with someone (the person from the third paragraph in the last post) and it involved a lot of ass play. Look at how far I've come. And my body cooperated. It did the things I wanted it to do. And that shit felt good. Maybe it will happen some time soon. Who knows really. I like the thought of having a more experienced partner that can help me figure things out. Without there being some sort of inherent power dynamic. A safe space for exploration.

I really just like physical contact. And I'm sure Im about to get myself into some sticky situation. My life is stressful and I need a release. And the amount of shits I give is becoming less and less.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Crushes

So I saw the guy I had been crushing on,whom I had spent several nights with. I don't have feelings for him anymore ever since he started acting real weird. But damn he is so sexy. I feel glad to have had someone so fine burying their face in my crotch. It's too bad I can't have real sex, that would have been so fucking hot. Ah well--it was a good experience.

I do have a new crush. He is a friend I've had for awhile. He is super super nice and hanging out with him makes me very happy. However he is so nice and shy that I have absolutely no idea how to even initiate anything sexual. But the probability seems good that he feels the same way about me. So I guess I can weather some incredibly awkward couch cuddling or something until I gain the confidence to make the moves.

And also, confusingly enough, there is a friend of mine who has been increasingly pushing the boundaries as of late. He is significantly older than me (As in, older than the older guy I was previously messing with). He seems like he has low self esteem, so I've tried to be nice about it. But that seems to have just gotten me into a messier situation. I sheepishly confess to enjoying the flattery. But I really shouldn't fan the flames. I don't know if a little bit of sexy time is worth the headache of the aftermath.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Things I Want In a Relationship

Things I want in a partner:

A good communicator
Perceptive of my feelings
A kind, gentle and generous person
Easygoing

Things I want in a relationship:

Mutual support
Acceptance
A desire for success and happiness
No pressure for a certain level of sexual performance

Things I have to offer:

Support
Acceptance
An ear to listen
Easy going, not jealous or possessive
A desire for success
Ambition

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Valentine's Day

Look how far we've come since last year. Now I buy cake for myself and exercise my right to live as I want. There is much progress but we are moving forward.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Ugh

My ex was really drunk and angry and texted me a picture of my crush kissing another girl in a bar. I decided it was best we stopped messing around. Even though I have no idea what that means about me and my crush. I guess it might be best if I go ass-free for a little while as I figure out what the hell is going on. This is probably gonna suck.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Staying Sane

Some notes on staying sane. It's really fucking hard to do sometimes. Especially when it seems that the entire world is campaigning to raise your blood pressure. When you feel deadlocked in this state of constant guarding of emotions, yet the desire to be honest, to be a good person, but to also do the things that I want to. How forgiving is to forgiving, when is it okay to just let people make their own choices? And feel honestly about it? To be open about jealousy, possessiveness, pain and suffering. Are we not just humans? Can we not be stupid out of our own free will? I am not a delicate flower, I must weather the harshness of the world and all of its cruel honesty. And nothing will protect me. Nothing.

Waking Up

I was going to write a long complaining post about how so and so sucks and I'm annoyed with some things in my life, and horribly overworked and tired all the time. But then I felt too tired to write that much angry stuff. So instead I'll write a reflection on my life.

There was once a time in my life where I couldn't get out of bed. That familiar stomach pain was there every time I opened my eyes. It was like having a rock in my stomach. It weighed me into my bed. I was in pain. A lot of pain. The invisible kind of pain, that you can't use as an excuse to get out of work or school. The kind you just have to get up and soldier through. Full of resentment and sadness.

But a few days ago I realized I had trouble again getting out of bed. I was worried I was going through depression again and hadn't noticed the signs. Then it dawned on me that the reason I didn't get out of bed was because I was tired and my room was cold. I was so warm and comfortable that I wake up and see my alarm before going back to sleep again. I never had the choice to go back to sleep when I was depressed. Sleep was just a mechanism to bide my time before what felt like certain walking death. Now sleep is a mechanism to regain energy. Just like it should be.

Life is annoying and tiring. But at least I'm me again.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Forgot to Publish

A few weeks ago I ran into my crush. I wasn't planning to get laid that night. So I didn't shave or lotion. I wore a cute but modest top. But then I ran into him anyways. Of course I had just had quite a few drinks, so I didn't have as much sensation as I'd hoped. Our time was as sexy as always. He asked me to masturbate in front of him. So I tried to a little. Then we got tired, so he said we should try again in the morning. I didn't think anything of it. Figuring our night would be like the last time where wed go our separate ways after breakfast. But sure enough, we started up again in the morning. He really wanted to get me off. Took awhile but it was pretty hot. I really hope this happens again soon. I feel myself getting a lot more comfortable sexually.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Shut up.

I am sick of everybody and their dumb shit.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Not Talking

Sometimes I just don't feel like talking. It doesn't have anything to do with being sad or angry. I just don't want to say stuff. Nothing will come of the stuff I say. So I don't. I think that sometimes people at my job interpret that as rudeness, but since when less friendly = rude? Maybe I'm missing something here in the way I'm being perceived, which is frequently misinterpreted.

I have nothing more to say really.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Dream

I had a dream last night that I encountered my crush at the store. He was talking to a woman with a child, I thought it was his wife and kid. I looked at him in concern, but he smiled at me reassuringly and showed me his wedding ring-less hand. We walked outside together near a grassy area overlooking some water, there was tall weeds surrounding us. We started passionately making out when he stopped me, "I'm sorry but I think we should not see each other anymore." I looked at him incredulously, "WHAT? Why?" He looked at me with a snide attitude, "Because, you haven't put out yet. I'm looking for someone who can satisfy my needs." I was so surprised, "But you never even ASKED me if I wanted to have sex! How you can you assume I wouldn't put out?" He seemed to be an entirely different person now, sounding and acting more like my one ex than anyone else, "Well for starters you haven't even tried to touch my dick." I remember how I felt, so stupid for getting my hopes up. That sinking feeling. Of course he didn't like me. That clear sexual tension I had been so sure of. That was a mistake. Who the hell would like me? I got up and walked away feeling sad resignation. Well, that was the end of that.

What a depressing dream. It just reminds me that I'm as scared and vulnerable as everybody else. Rejection scares me. As well as being an adult still carrying a lot of sexual baggage. Having a V card that I don't really want to be carrying. And trying to navigate ways to communicate my sexual inexperience (in the PIV aspect) to man who's a good decade and a half older than me.

Sigh. It's one of those things that I wish I could drink enough alcohol to instill confidence, but then again the drunker I get the less sexual sensation I tend to feel. So do I substitute sexual bravado for sexual enjoyment? I'd rather not. But it's frustrating. I feel like I have a proverbial sexual buffet of amazing hot guys that I talk to on a regular basis, but I can't have sex with any of them.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Only You Can Define Yourself

Recycling some old stuff I've written elsewhere before, but it seems relevant. Also, my life is a lot of nothing right now:
Only You Can Define Yourself.
Only you have the power to define yourself, your worth, what you feel and what you decide. No one else can tell you those things. No one else can write those definitions.
And sooner you realize it, the better off you’ll be.
I am what I am, and I become what I decide to become. Each action I take is of my own free will, each attribute of me is me only.
We go through life wanting to please others, wanting to conform to other standards, not wanting to hurt or offend with our image. We elect to fit in rather than stand out, because it makes others happy to be One - unchanging, conformist, ‘comfortable’, safe. But these, like many other concepts, are as subjective as the meanings given to them.
I am me, I can’t be explained easily, but I refuse to feel bad about it anymore.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

I Had An Amazing Night

After indulging too much in the beverage of truth, I ran into my crush. I went back to his place, it was very nice. He was very respectful and complimentary, just like the last time. But also like last time, I got too nervous to say much and just giggled mostly. Again we stopped before anyone finished and lay there stroking each other naked for awhile. It was nice. Unfortunately I couldn't sleep well. But still, then he made me an amazing breakfast. I can't remember the last time I had a post sex breakfast (if ever?). It was fuckin awesome. Now I'm just confused. I'm not normal, what am I doing?

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Feelin' Frisky

I'm horny, but this is different than usual. This is a curious horny. A desire to explore someone else. That giggly nervous feeling, as you peel off each other's clothing. That feeling when you see that person the next day walking around in their clothing, and you think, I know what they look like underneath. And you smile to yourself and feeling privileged for knowing such a personal thing about someone. 

When I see someone hot, I wonder what they look like underneath, how muscular they are, if they shave, what their dick looks like. But then I wonder what kind of noises they make. How they sound whispering breathily in the middle of the night.  What they sound like as they come.

I wouldn't mind having my curiosity satiated. 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

2012 in Review

Like last year, I will endeavor to create a thoughtful review of 2012, which has been full of a lot of interesting stuff.

The Beginning of 2012 was not off to a good start. With a very negative outlook shown in This Post, I didn't expect much to come of the new year. I had a crappy New Year's eve sitting around with some people who didn't feel like going out. I was lonely and hurting. Still living with my ex but we weren't speaking. Just got over my crush of last semester. I was ready to be done with the pain. Started thinking about rebuilding my life. Came back for my final semester.

The dark ages were over, and the golden age was about to begin. I was hungry and poor, my life was stressful. I found solace in a very amazing friend. I discovered alcohol for real this time. I discovered the strangeness of losing control, that amazing unbridled euphoria rolling on the ground laughing. Making friends, learning. Being social all the time. Learning to love and feel. My heart was turning over again, it was wanting to be felt. I was learning how to be a true friend, and learning what true friends were. People loved me for who I was. They liked the clothing I wore, the music I listened to, the jokes and stories I told. I could be there for them when I needed to. My pain had faded to the background. No one new about my past. I was gaining perspective. My desire for happiness ignited in a blind hopeful flame. It refused to be extinguished.

And then, that thing happened. That incident, the one that should have been a harbinger. The thing that should have warned me to steel myself, to stop the fires of happiness from spreading. But I couldn't see. That man, that man who had felt a pang of hunger while out in the wilderness, and blindly reached his hand into the water in the hopes of catching a fish. He caught it somehow. And then, wriggling in his arms, fighting for life, he realized the ridiculousness of his choice. What was he going to do with fish now that he caught it?

Warm smiles, kind words, shy but prolonged embraces. Seemed a little too good to be true. Waking up every morning with the sun in my face, the same track playing on my cd player. Too high, too fast. Very awkward first gropings, first time seeing a new person naked. I was terrified, shaking the whole time. But I was reassured. Sweaty in the dawn light, the sound of birds chirping, spring breeze creeping through the windows. I felt liberated. I felt my first guiltless sexual encounter.

But then, that wriggling fish should have been back in the water all along. Should have never been taken out in the first place. Things started to unravel, I felt rejected, hurtful words were said to me. I was lied to repeatedly, then reassured, then insulted. It was manipulative. Things started to rapidly become very stressful. I couldn't focus anymore, the pain I had previously ignored started to bubble up. My secret past became known. I was starting to feel the pain every morning again.

And then, I was released. But I wasn't ready yet. Burdened with the pains before me, it came crashing down like a flash flood in a canyon. I was in so, so much pain. Complete and utter breakdown. Probably the scariest moment of my life. I was so afraid. Afraid the pain would never leave. Felt alone and terrified. Catalyst to bring someone back into my life. Felt the feeling of sad and beautiful reconciliation. The touch of someone who loves you. That warm, wonderful but painful feeling. The start of something more confusing. A lot of pain.

Ups and Downs, ups and downs. Sun and cherry blossom trees and graduation. Being forced to see the same person who caused me so much pain. Constantly oscillated between pain and happiness. Friends and exes, friends and exes. Then just friends and happiness, and cuddly fun, new experiences. And very suddenly, a lot of nothing. A very stressful living situation, an entire season of uncertainty. Torture. Somewhere in that torture was born a beautiful healthy libido. And a desire to reclaim my own body.

But then it rectified. Life became stable and comfortable again. Making money, making new friends, becoming more comfortable in myself, in my appearance, in my sexuality, my choices. And now life is bustling with activity and socializing. Thanksgiving and Christmas weren't occasions for me to sit and feel pain. They were just holidays.

Everything is always moving forward everyday. With a pleasant New Year's celebration, momentum only moves forward with each passing day.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

2013 I Welcome You

Give me what you have to offer. I will take it willingly.

Resolutions:

-Eat better

-Run more

-Apply for real job

-Be a better communicator

-Dress better consistently

-Be a better friend

-Have PIV sex - particularly with one of the three hotties from the previous post

-Try to stop putting myself down so much

-Have more sex of any kind