Seriously, why am I on okcupid? I don't like anybody and I'm scared of intimacy. People seem so boring and sketchy and only interested in sex. Like I'm so suspicious and I can't reply to anybody's messages on time and I assume they are all creepos or gross even when they probably aren't. And I don't want to meet up with anyone or give out my phone number. I don't feel like making time or being friendly. What the hell am I doing? I'm probably PMSing. Or wayyy too jaded to think about love again.
I'm sick of people lying to me and I'm hurting about being cheated on. I know it's going to be okay, but still. I hurt regardless. People make mistakes, and people can makes amends. But god damn. Betrayal.
Dilator four went in really far, almost all the way. 4 is basically a dick, if I could detach a guy's dick from his body and spend 5-10 minutes slowly easing it into my finicky vagina, while laying there like a dead fish and making weird breathing sounds and doing approximately 0 sexy actions. Sounds really cool to me.
Sometimes I fear I am being eaten alive by my own bitterness and self-criticism. The holidays are not going to do me well this year. And I'm going to have to do it alone. Lest I find my soulmate on okcupid who doesn't want to meet up and can stay hard for the entirety of the above scenario I explained and be okay with that. Then I'd probably be disappointed that he's too boring.
Christ, what a mess.
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