Dream

I had a dream last night that I encountered my crush at the store. He was talking to a woman with a child, I thought it was his wife and kid. I looked at him in concern, but he smiled at me reassuringly and showed me his wedding ring-less hand. We walked outside together near a grassy area overlooking some water, there was tall weeds surrounding us. We started passionately making out when he stopped me, "I'm sorry but I think we should not see each other anymore." I looked at him incredulously, "WHAT? Why?" He looked at me with a snide attitude, "Because, you haven't put out yet. I'm looking for someone who can satisfy my needs." I was so surprised, "But you never even ASKED me if I wanted to have sex! How you can you assume I wouldn't put out?" He seemed to be an entirely different person now, sounding and acting more like my one ex than anyone else, "Well for starters you haven't even tried to touch my dick." I remember how I felt, so stupid for getting my hopes up. That sinking feeling. Of course he didn't like me. That clear sexual tension I had been so sure of. That was a mistake. Who the hell would like me? I got up and walked away feeling sad resignation. Well, that was the end of that.

What a depressing dream. It just reminds me that I'm as scared and vulnerable as everybody else. Rejection scares me. As well as being an adult still carrying a lot of sexual baggage. Having a V card that I don't really want to be carrying. And trying to navigate ways to communicate my sexual inexperience (in the PIV aspect) to man who's a good decade and a half older than me.

Sigh. It's one of those things that I wish I could drink enough alcohol to instill confidence, but then again the drunker I get the less sexual sensation I tend to feel. So do I substitute sexual bravado for sexual enjoyment? I'd rather not. But it's frustrating. I feel like I have a proverbial sexual buffet of amazing hot guys that I talk to on a regular basis, but I can't have sex with any of them.