Update--Warning: Bad Grammar Ahead!

So I went to my appointment and survived.

Not only did I survive. I had one of the most amazing ob-gyn's I could have had. It was really more of a therapy appointment than anything else. Turns out I didn't need a pap smear, having such a low risk of having HPV. But she did put her finger in slightly, gave me an external exam, etc. to give me peace that I did in fact have a vagina. She encouraged me to purchase a set of vaginal dilators (which according to USPS could be here tomorrow!!) gave me a plastic speculum and some pap smear q tips to experiment with on my own, as well as an enlightening discussion of sexuality, 70s era feminism and why people can never pronounce anybody's last names!

Interestingly enough, I discussed with her the moment in time where I thought I developed vaginismus. I had always thought it wasn't legit enough. After all, I haven't ever been actually sexually assaulted, all my sex partners have been kind and gentle, and as far as I know, I haven't had any alarming genital contact at all. But apparently, sitting outside the door listening to something traumatic happening to somebody else actually counts as trauma. Which of course, seems really obvious in hindsight, but then there's that little complicating thing called Perspective. Which blurs everything and makes it hard to look from the outside (Of yourself? The only person you actually truly know.) and makes it hard to know which events are Really Bad instead of just Regular Bad. Hearing her reaction to my story made me feel incredibly validated. Like, Really? You think that an entire lifetime of sexual dysfunction, shame and admittedly, even at its lowest point suicidal ideation was actually a reasonable reaction to that event? Oh...

And that's that. That's the simplicity of seeking help really. All the scary, all the buildup, tears, anger, irritation the "I cannot do this" and the  "this wont work". These are just simple words, with simple causes, explanations, and yes, even solutions. There is always a way up, and a way out.

She told me that there were other people like me, that some households had very different "vagina cultures" that made people's outlook on sex and sexual health very different from one another. She told me that I didn't have to subject myself to any part of the examination that I didn't want to. She told me that I was an amazing and strong person, that I took an amazing initiative to my own health, my progress seemed amazing, and that whoever I ended up with would be very lucky. I'd like to think that she's right. I am very flattered and very grateful.

Even a few days later, when my perspective on things often shifts drastically, I feel 100% positive and confident in my first successful visit to the gynecologist. (Although actually my second visit, the first ended in hysterics, although that doctor was very nice too. I just really wasn't ready.)

Looking forward to my incoming package this week. Will update with dilator progress!