My GYN appointment is on wednesday. And although I'm more determined to get this over with than paralyzingly afraid, I still have my doubts. I can just see myself being assigned somejackass doctor that dismisses my opinions and doesn't help me. I feel very unsure of my abilities to assert myself and get answers.
All and all, I feel rather sad lately. I lay in bed and there's tears. Maybe it's hormonal. Or maybe I just feel lonely. I feel like I can't connect to anyone. I feel paranoid that everybody is against me. That my boyfriend is going to dump me. That I have no friends. The my ex is plotting to make me miserable for all eternity. Maybe I've been wrong about everything. Maybe I'm amounting to nothing. Maybe I was better off never existing in the first place.
Because this is a secret blog, I can say that. I'm sitting amongst the possessions of my dead family members and it makes it hard to think that the world can be a positive place. I just want to curl up in bed and get a good nights sleep for once. Very sad and lonely.
(Even though I remember that there is much progress and I'm thankful for my life, even when it hurts. But I get to indulge myself in sadness too.)
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