Tics

Sometimes, when you live with a mental illness, you forget you have it. Because your brain is always that way, its really your only standard for normality. Its not like you know any other way to think! So really, the only way you know that your sick is to look at others. (Well not really the only way, but the main way) So sometimes, when you are at home a lot like I am, chilling on the internet, not seeing a lot of normal people, you sort of just stop thinking about it.

Until one day.

Then it dawns on you that something is off. And it's disappointing. Because you thought you were normal. You weren't like those other sufferers, you triumphed. You 'grew out of it' 'sucked it up' 'just stopped' etc. Which is ridiculous really. Its not like anyone would really try to be sick! You just are sick! Believe me, if I could have just sucked it up, I would have done that a long time ago. Probably about eight years ago, when it first dawned on me what was wrong. I would have stopped pulling out all that hair, obsessively shaving, laying on the floor with crippling depression, thinking extreme invasive thoughts that made me feel sick all the time, ruining my relationship. Why the hell would I want that?! Of course I can't help it.

I say all of this because yesterday I realized I acquired a new tic. It's really annoying. It makes me think that my forehead is too stiff so I keep raising my eyebrows to alleviate it. But it doesn't help of course, because its a dumb tic. My neurons are misfiring and telling me I have to do this. And its fucking annoying and it makes my head hurt. God. It makes me think, what have I done to deserve all of this?

I have done nothing, I just am. I am just a glitch in the system. I have come extremely far, even being a glitch, and so have many other people. Because let's face it, how many people aren't glitches in the system? Don't we all have hurdles, things we can't control?