Going to the GYNO on Monday

Gonna have my first pap smear on Monday. Its pretty overdue so I hope everything turns out okay. The appointment lady on the phone was really weird and was like OMG YOU NEVER HAD A PAP SMEAR BEFORE. I wanted to be like...dude my vagina was a brick wall for the first 23 years of my life. I've tried at least 3 times to get a pap without success. I think I can do it this time. Looking forward to facing off on what is more or less the final 'vagina frontier' in my training. I haven't done any practice for it. But if I'm lucky I might have some sex this weekend. And that's kinda like a dilator right? A fun sexy dilator with a person attached...but still. Its gotta count for something.

I'm Horny and That Makes me Feel Ashamed

It's weird, sometimes I go back in progress and it's hard to tell why. Sometimes I feel really ashamed about my sexuality. I look back on times I was sexual and feel ashamed and weird about it. Like, Wow, I can't believe I said or did that. It makes it hard to advocate for my needs. And when you can't advocate your needs its hard for people to meet them. And when people don't meet your needs it can feel angering and isolating and then you don't want to interact with them anymore. When you can't interact with people it feels lonely and it becomes hard to trust people. And then its just a big downward spiral from there.

I crave human touch and that makes me embarrassed sometimes. I wish I was a robot. Feelings make a person weak. Or so I tell myself sometimes. But the truth is. I want to fuck and touch and be messy with someone. I want to speak the unspeakable, feel the unfathomable, and shout in ecstasy until I can't remember a world without stress and pain.

Because if I can't do that, then why do anything? Its a utterly natural set of urges, I need to tell myself.

UTI

Progress log


I am now a real vagina possessor. Having been treated for BV a yeast infection and now a UTI since I started having sex.


WOO. I'm normal. Stupid fucking normal. I pissed blood. That sucks


At least I know I made progress. Gotta take the good with the bad.

Hark! I Have Returned to the Internet

I haven't posted because I have barely had any feelings, and now I'm barely awake so this post wont make sense

Except for horny, if that an emotion. Very horny.

I reached out and reconnected with a ton of people lately. It was probably an awful life choice. I reconnected with all my exes. It was interesting.

Two months ago, I joined tinder and met a guy. He asked me to rim him. I did. It was very nice. But everything else about it was kinda meh.

Then I met another guy. Really liked him. He invited me back to his place. I said yes. He freaks out and says he can't have sex on the first date and then I got really excited when he rubbed my jeans and had a huge orgasm and was embarrassed. Then he unmatched and stopped talking to me. Oops.

I told my ex fiance I still loved him but I don't think I really want to date him again. We had sex. But then he hasn't changed at all. He still has a girlfriend but they are open. I think that's fucking stupid and I'm pretty turned off from him. I kind of don't want to date him again right now.

I went on a date tonight and the guy was really sweet. I liked talking to him. I had a cold but he still went out with me. We went back to his place to talk, and we did for awhile. Then before I knew it we were naked. It was rather nice though. We managed not to have sex. I guess we are saving that for the second date. God dammit. Ill probably start dating him...I suck at having casual sex apparently. He was really nice. His body is disturbingly similar to my last boyfriends though. Its really uncanny.

I reconnected with my old best friend who apparently has vaginismus now. I didn't really want to tell her about my virginity losing, but I think she needed my help. So I did. I overcame my problem. I poured my blood sweat and tears into fixing my body so I could enjoy my life. And it was hard as fuck and I thought it was impossible. But I did it. And each time I do it I like it more. And I'm less scared.

Thus concludes my sexual escapes for the past three months.

An Ode To Period Sex

Period sex.

What's the first thing it conjures up? Dirty, gross, painful, embarrassing even. A lot of hangups that are arguably pretty common. I mean hell, these are pretty widespread feelings about non period sex. Depressing as it sounds. Articles on the internet give a lot of tips, google search results brings a lot of hits, blog posts are written, internet arguments abound. It's a hot topic to some.

But for others, it's not so much an issue. For most women, every month for several days (A week even!), blood comes out of her vagina. It's a good thing, it means no babies, healthy uterus, appropriate weight etc. It also means shes a women. And when you possess a uterus, blood comes out of it (of course, you don't have to be a woman to have a uterus, but perhaps a large majority of uterus holders identify as women) and for all intents and purposes, blood from the uterus is safe for those who are std free. It can be ingested without ill effects, it has no smell (the odors are from the oxygen and bacteria reaction that occurs when the blood hits the air, or cotton pads/tampons/underwear), in fact, it really doesn't even taste that offensive. It's just another thing that comes out of you.

There's plenty of benefits too: Orgasms decrease cramps, can speed up the cycle (contractions can force blood out), can act as good lubricant, lower chance of pregnancy, more days of the month to get freaky, a greater acceptance of your body...

And plus, it feels really awesome. But in a totally different way, like I can't really explain it. It's like, warm and deep feeling. Your cervix sits a little lower so it's very full feeling. You feel a lot more emotional, and raw. It's less emphasis on orgasm and more about fully enveloping the sensations, and getting as close to that person as possible.

And obviously I don't just mean penetrative sex, for which I'm certainly no expert. But I've definitely fooled around on my period back when I was younger. I was embarrassed, but sheer horniness helped me to overcome. Although often it was some over the panties action or on the last few drops of the cycle. Now at this point, I have it on the full days. I've broken all the period rules. Girl on top, heavy flow days, oral sex. it's definitely much different than the other days. But I'm glad I do it. It makes me feel less ashamed of my body, ever so slowly, and that's invaluable to me.

Of course, a nice sexy shower afterwards is a plus. Guys who like period sex are the best. 

Dry Spell Over

I had issues with penetration again, and I got really scared. It happened a couple times. Things felt dry and tight. I thought I was going back to square one. I couldn't get a finger in again. I felt a ton of anxiety about it.

But then my sweet boyfriend and I worked through it again, and had some amazing sex. Amazing. Missionary still provokes way too much anxiety for me. So we don't do that. But we still get pretty far, and do it pretty hard, and no pain!

Summary: Had issues, but then everything is back to normal. The secret is lots of foreplay, go slowly, sometimes laying completely still and getting your body to adjust, communication, cuddling (before during and after) and then some all out fucking! Then don't overdo it.

I had the most amazing experience

I had seriously the most amazing sex ever last night. For many hours. We tried literally everything there is to try. And it all felt AMAZING. All of it. I feel like a warm fuzzy blanket of love and sexual energy. I'm realizing things I find interesting, letting my guard down, being a human being again. And he's is absolutely loving all of it. So he whispered in my ear for what felt like an eternity last night.

To say that I had good sex doesn't even begin to describe what happened to me last night. Waking up at the crack of dawn, fucking again, and realizing it was time to go to work. I walked outside to hear the otherworldly sounds of a bunch of Blue jays and Crows circling overhead. And I wondered whether I was dreaming-- floating along in a sea of perfect experiences, boundary pushing, barrier breaking, raw, passionate love.

Now I can't stop smiling.

Cowgirl, missionary and thoughts of love

I had sex a lot more times now. Embarrassingly enough, I still can't really figure out how to get the penis in me by myself. But my partner is happy to oblige me in the meantime. I still get nervous and tense up. In missionary my arms and legs naturally push up and away. Its like some kind of knee jerk reaction trying to the push the person off of me. It's kind of annoying, but since I clearly want it, it isn't terribly inconvenient to subdue me or ignore it. He always waits very patiently for me to say I'm ready. And I take a deep breath and he encourages me and he slides in very slowly. It feels good but it's still really scary.

I am really just so fucking excited, I barely have any words to describe it. He is too. We are really excited to have sex. To make love. And I feel good because I know I was right in waiting all these years. I worked hard with the dilators, and therapy, and reading books, and doing CBT. And then I found an amazing boyfriend that really helped to push me over that last gate and into the land of sexual freedom. And it's great. We had our first innocent I love yous.

As always, moving forward and to the best self I can be. I am very proud.

More importantly, I can't wait to fuck some more.

Still feeling some feels

I am kind of in shock.



"How do you feel?" He asked. "I don't feel any different." I said. "I know right? I didn't either." He said. It's pretty much just a nice thing to do. Nothing crazy, just a nice thing. To express lust, sexual energy, unite love and attraction. To foster warm and fuzzy feelings in my heart once again. I feel again.

It's a three letter word that starts with S and ends with X

I am changing the date of this post so that it accurately records the date and time that the following event happened:

I had sex

I thought my heart was gonna explode in my chest I was so scared, but then we tried twice and it went in! And out! And in again. It didn't hurt either. It was just scary. I had worked myself up over it for so long that it just felt like EVERYTHING was at stake. But then I realized that I chose the right partner, and nothing was at stake. He said we could go at whatever pace I wanted. And I believed it. And it was so great! He was so great! We only did it for like a few minutes, but it was definitely in. Like a penis, was it my vagina. MY vagina.

My greatest downfall, my biggest foe, the fear I had of my own body. It is slowly breaking away. I worked very hard for this. I feel I did the right thing waiting as long as I did. I was relieved not to have a moment of  "OH SHIT I couldn't have easily done this all along." I could not have done this all along. I could only do it afters hours of researching, and years of maturing. I feel sad that I had to surrender so much of my life because I wasn't ready, but it had to be that way. I wasn't ready. I knew I wasn't ready.

But now, I'm ready. Not without quirks and bumps along the way, but I'm ready to enter the scary world of pregnancy scares and STDs

Here's a victory here. Didn't think it would ever happen. But it's fucking here. I'm fucking awesome and nothing can stop me.

I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulder

It feels strange to feel deeply for someone again. I'm incredibly nervous about getting hurt again. But I can't fucking help it, its like water rushing downhill, it can hardly be stopped. To borrow a quote from a good movie, "He is just what a young man ought to be." Smart, good-natured, sympathetic to the struggles of women. And then yesterday I was blown away when he told me that I shouldn't feel so bad about my problem, that it was even a problem, just a natural variant of human sexuality. That I was valuable as a person for me, and not the sexual services I can and can't provide.

I just cried, it felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulder. I have let vaginismus weigh so heavily on my self-worth, maturity, sexuality, relationships, to hear someone who has absolutely nothing to gain by lying about it freely say such a thing....brings tears to my eyes each time I think about it. There were so many times when I thought about ending my life, wishing I was never born, that I would never live a normal life.

And now I can clearly see how wrong I was. I am so happy to be alive, even when its hard. I had such simple goals in my life, that seemed to be hopeless, but hear I am getting ready to achieve all of them. To think my heart would ever truly feel again, even after I have loved so hard and lost even harder, is truly a testament to how strong the human heart is. To love even in spite of pain, to pick yourself up and love again. To be blind and stupid, again and again.

A Post to Bring Us Up To Speed

And so, I'm back to dating again. I survived the one year anniversary of my family members death (although I accidentally drank too much wine and was a scary drunk), I have expressed my feelings more to people, been more social and active, got my life plan together for the next year. Feeling much more positive.

I met a guy on the internet, talked for like 5 months, we liked each other, so we went on some dates. Now we're in a relationship. We're both very shy and nervous. He's very sweet, smells good and his skin is very soft. We like a lot of the same things. I like him very much!

And perhaps even more amazingly, my body LOVES him. My vagina has relaxed so much, I don't even do my exercises lately. He fingers me multiple times in a row and it actually feels good. And the last few times he put two fingers in which has NEVER happened before (I can't even do that). And it was so exciting and I was giggling and he was really happy too. So omgsexmaybesoon? Who even knows, I've reverted to my 'sixteen year old first time being in love' self again and I hope I don't do something stupid to scare him away.

Overall feeling realistic but happy at the same time. Only time will tell what the future will bring to me.

Feeling Unfocused

But I wanted to post anyways.

I wrote some stuff but it got deleted. Clearly a sign I shouldn't post the crap I was going to post.

I feel many things right now, but I post none of them.

Tentative dilator goal:

Start using the dilator 3 until that becomes the baseline. As in, the 3 goes in virtually effortlessly like my finger can or the 2 can. The aim here is to make 3 easily accessible, thus making the 4 a non event to insert. Which would then make the 5 doable.The girth of a penis is at the 5 level. Then I can try to work with the mechanics of sex.

Also, make spreading legs in yoga less traumatic feeling. Still some serious issues there.

Read anal sex book!

Plowing Through My Fears

I just something very bizarre, and it involved tackling a huge number of fears at once. And absolutely nothing bad happened. Which is great, because it seemed like there was a lot of bad happening. Like my ex asking me to move in with him, another death in the family, my friend's recent suicide attempt, getting rejected whilst trying to get laid, and just generally hating everybody. But then suddenly I tackled all these fears:

Winter driving
Being Alone at night
Trying to find an unfamiliar address
A Sexual Encounter
Performance Anxiety

To name a few, except for the part where I'm pretty sure my ass wasn't as clean as it could have been. Awkward. Or maybe not. Honestly, I'm not squicked out by these types of things as you might think. I guess I just don't care.

But it brings a few issues to the forefront:

1. I'm horny

2. But also lovingly horny

3. Which makes me sort of dangerous

I like orgasms and all, but I really want to kiss. Without kissing it feels odd. Like I'm some kind of sickly person under quarantined that can't be touched. Which leads to feeling confused and unattractive.  So sexy time without kissing is kind of like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without bread. You still get the same flavors, but you're clearly missing something. And its all confusing and hard to eat.

Speaking of which, I'm hungry

Sexual frustration

Is it possible to die of sexual frustration? Cause I feel I'm getting close. Seriously, I'm miserable.

Trigger Warning

What makes somebody a molester? And what happens when you get molested? Is there something you have to do or say?

A guy put his hand down my pants at a party. It was fucked up for a lot of reasons. Cause I didn't understand why it was so bad. I was drunk, the room was dark and foggy. All I thought was "Ha, I hope he touched my pubes and was grossed out." I was confused, I immediately walked upstairs into the bathroom, but I was disoriented. I dropped a piece of my costume into the toilet. So there I was wringing it out over the toilet bowl wondering why I was always targeted first. I never, smiled, made eye contact or talked to this dude. He was talking to all kinds of girls, but he went straight for me. I took a step back and said Whoa There. Or something like that to indicate displeasure. But I felt bad. I didn't want to cause a scene or hurt his feelings. That's fucked up. I didn't want to hurt this molesters feelings. He got kicked out eventually for something unrelated, and everybody was angry that I didn't say something earlier. I didn't want to cause a scene. I just wanted to enjoy my evening, for it to be quick and done with and to leave me alone. I didn't really care about kissing him, I didn't want to but it wasn't traumatic. I just didn't care. But don't touch my private parts, or my ass crack or whatever you touched.

It reminded me of when I met this guy on his birthday. I wished him a happy birthday and later offered him my seat when the bar filled up. I was trying to be friendly. He started confessing his love to me and saying how hot I was. How I should come back to his friends place. I laughed and said nothing. I was with a huge group of people who didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I was really really drunk. I kept going into the bathroom to hide. I eventually texted my roommate SOS for loss of what to do. She immediately came to get me. I said I was leaving, he started groping me and making out with my closed lips. My roommate started hitting him with a stick. He didn't seem to notice. I was in a huge group of people who just shrugged.

I saw him again and he was really apologetic. I believed him. I saw him again and told him to come chat with me at the bar. I was trying to make amends since he seems sincerely apologetic. One beer later and hes already making passes at me again. I ignored him and talked to somebody else. People seemed to sympathize with him, but definetly not me.

One time a 50 something year old man walked me and my roommate home. He walked us home and just kept going until he came into our house. We didn't know what to say or do. I hugged him as politely as possible and told him goodnight. I was scared to be alone. I ran away every time I saw him.

Conversely, one time I went over to a guy's house in his late 40s. I tenderly sipped a glass of while shaking with nervousness. Then I took off my clothes and asked him to jerk me off. He was nervous too, he hesitated but I kept pushing it. We were stroking and massaging each other very softly and sensually. We weren't drunk, just two nervous horny people. He came, but I didn't know how to back then. I felt surreal. What the heck was I doing? I was dangerous, but I wasn't in danger. Never were the boundaries crossed. So very gentle, yet raw. Utmost simplicity in lovemaking. Or so I thought. Later on I found it odd, but never gross or scary. Just an amazement that I did that. And I didn't get drugged or raped. And believe me, any bystander would have sickly declared that I asked for it. But I didn't.

The major difference being a concerted desire, equal on both ends and enthusiastically consented to. Even though we were both nervous and hesitant. We both clearly enjoyed ourselves. Even if it was a tiny bit fucked up.

Dilator 4 Progress and Why The Hell Am On OKCupid?

Seriously, why am I on okcupid? I don't like anybody and I'm scared of intimacy. People seem so boring and sketchy and only interested in sex. Like I'm so suspicious and I can't reply to anybody's messages on time and I assume they are all creepos or gross even when they probably aren't. And I don't want to meet up with anyone or give out my phone number. I don't feel like making time or being friendly. What the hell am I doing? I'm probably PMSing. Or wayyy too jaded to think about love again.

I'm sick of people lying to me and I'm hurting about being cheated on. I know it's going to be okay, but still. I hurt regardless. People make mistakes, and people can makes amends. But god damn. Betrayal.

Dilator four went in really far, almost all the way. 4 is basically a dick, if I could detach a guy's dick from his body and spend 5-10 minutes slowly easing it into my finicky vagina, while laying there like a dead fish and making weird breathing sounds and doing approximately 0 sexy actions. Sounds really cool to me.

Sometimes I fear I am being eaten alive by my own bitterness and self-criticism. The holidays are not going to do me well this year. And I'm going to have to do it alone. Lest I find my soulmate on okcupid who doesn't want to meet up and can stay hard for the entirety of the above scenario I explained and be okay with that. Then I'd probably be disappointed that he's too boring.

Christ, what a mess.

For lack of insightful things to say

Feeling breakup pain, confusion, a desire to succeed. Constantly trying to be a pillar of strength for other while figuring out the meaning of love. Not an easy task.

Rebounded with ex. Or exes to be exact. Two people that I love. And yet, they have failed me so much in so many ways that it confuses me. So instead I have sex with them. Beautiful loving and confusing sex. Because I think that they are beautiful, and they think I'm beautiful. So in a fucked up way its nice to be desired. But honestly I'm having trouble feeling anything but the most surface level feelings. I am warm on the surface but dead cold on the inside. Rolling through the days really. But it's okay.

Third dilator went all the way in today. All the way in. Took some time, was not feeling good due to being on the downswing of the menstrual cycle. Tends to make things feel more burny than usual. But I kept persevering and trying to figure out how the muscles worked. And it didn't seem to be worked but I was so sure I could do it. And then suddenly I feel this gentle current inside me. Seemed to be accepting it like peristalsis almost. and then it was in. Like really in. If I let go of it it didn't get pushed out. Pretty crazy stuff.

Perhaps more perplexing was that although I was expecting to see the dried brown blood that was already inside me, there was a new red blood that also came out. Did that come from me? Did I hurt myself. Was there still hymen? Thinking about that made my head hurt a little. Blood doesn't usually bother me, but vagina blood is a whole other story! It's not the blood itself, but the fact that I had something in me that needed to be broken. Blech. I haven't pushed my body unreasonably, so it could just be an inevitable thing. Glad to have discovered it by my own hands and not somebody else.

Practice makes perfect

I may have had the closest thing to sex in my life thus far. It was pretty much a nonevent as far as these things could go. I'm thankful for that. To be completely honest, I can't even tell if something is in my vagina most of the time, so I couldn't actually tell you whether I had sex or not. Boyfriend seems to think so. So let him make the call. He knows more about these things than I do.

Why am I suddenly following my own blog?

"Good porn is like good music. It's out there, but more often than not, you have to go looking or you'll end up with something repulsive you can't get out of your head."

Comment from last weeks Savage Love