Sexual Healing While in the Pit of Dysfunction

This is a really old post I had written but never published on another blog, it highlights some of my views on sexuality and why I think I became what I became.

Sexual healing while in the pit of dysfunction 

Healing while amidst a a whirlwind of clashing and harmful ideas of sexuality, the feeling of being in a pit of disease, with oppressive maggots crawling underneath one’s skin, the fear of succumbing to them, the fear of losing love, being too emotional, mental instability, confusion and uncertainty about what lies below, nausea, shaking, tears, anger.

This is not how things are supposed to be

Real love requires the sensitivity, connection and understanding between people. These things can combine to form an act in which two people manifest the positive attributes of their relationship as a physical form, an ecstatic/orgasmic release of energy that serves to strengthen the love at hand or at least maintain it.

But yet, most people struggle to find this even in successful relationships. Why you ask, would anybody allow such basic important desires to be stifled? From a woman’s perspective, it starts from day one: enshrouding sexual acts in guilt, keeping people in the dark about the true functioning in their body, employing scare tactics in religious systems, education systems, social systems in an attempt to keep kids from getting pregnant.

And this works for awhile, at least for some people, and it works really well. The problem being that when it comes time for it to be socially acceptable to be sexual, by then you have been internalizing shame and guilt for nearly two decades of your life.

It goes a little something like this: as a very young child, you begin to realize that doing certain things feels good, but you often try these things in situations when its deemed inappropriate and you are scolded accordingly. Almost immediately the child realizes that this is an embarrassing or unwanted act, something that must not be done, or only be done in secret. Naturally, the child’s curiosity gets the better of them and they begin to do it in secret but they are limited by the narrow scope of knowledge they have about pleasure and their bodies, so they do the simplest and most basics things to feel good when the have the limited opportunity. It becomes a sort of release, a guilty pleasure, something to help them fall asleep at times, which varies in frequency at different times of the child’s life, until they reach preteen year, when it is assumed that children will just be gaining these desires (which isn’t true, its been happening all this time) and seek to stomp them out early to prevent their children from getting knocked up. It is then that school and religious institutions begin frantically indoctrinating the young children, and the now preteen child becomes filled with anxiety-believing that what they thought was simply inappropriate behavior in public may actually land them in the burning fires of hell if they continue, or that they’ve been abnormal in some way enjoying pleasure before the other kids have begun to realize their desires.

So they begin to try and stop this behavior which has brought them so much comfort over the years, out of concern for normality and the state of their soul. Its difficult but eventually it stops happening so much and the child finds away to sleep except for an occasional bout of pleasurable activities. But its different each time, because now the preteen feels an intense feeling of guilt the next day, for giving into their demons, they feel self-conscious about it, like they are the only ones dealing with this problems. Soon, school has taught the preteen about ‘sex ed’ and they spend the day in a confused haze try to piece together the strange vague information presented to them. Does this apply to me? They wonder to themselves, as they certainly have no idea if they’ve ever seen anything like what what presented to them in the colorful reproductive drawings on the overhead. The thought of a strange inflatable organ is silly at best, or an unseen rigid third canal somewhere down there. Neither of these seem to fit a description of something the preteen possesses but nevertheless, later that day when going to the bathroom they glance down at what lies between their legs for a longer amount of time, but they feel baffled wondering where a third canal could (Or where the first and second are for that matter). But instead of investigating it, which could be masturbatory and therefore wrong, the preteen pulls up their underwear and promptly tries to forget about it.

Soon puberty arrives and their region down their becomes enshrouded in a dark forest of coarse, twisty hairs which seem to be a barbed wire fence yelling KEEP OUT! And the now teenager obeys and becomes almost fearful of it, trying not to touch it even while bathing for fear of being sinful, but it only makes itself more known secreting strange whitish globs of ooze into the unsuspecting teen’s underpants. The teen is handed books about ‘becoming a women’ which have instructions on how to combat stress and acne, periods and inserting a tampons. The teen shrinks into a corner while reading the chapter on tampon insertion, not wanting to be seen reading about such an obscenity, highly curious about this menstrual cycle which has yet to come-yet still, they are confused: the diagram is far too simplified, where is this hole the book speaks of? It seems to be right down below directly between the legs according to this diagram, but why couldn’t they see it?

Meanwhile, the teen begins to acquire information on real life sex from their peers, magazine articles, TV shows and the like. It seems to be that the only people having sex are known as dirty or slutty people, so the good girl teen doesn’t stop to think twice about doing such a thing anyways. Eventually, some older kids begins to inform her about first time sex, and she learns that something happens called ‘cherry popping’. It sounds horrific and further solidifies the fear of never wanting to figure out where this hole is, the one deep beneath the forest and the goo. The smell rising from it bothers her, she doesn’t know what it is or if its normal, the fear associated with touching it begins to rise.

Soon, feelings of want rise from her inner consciousness, inspired by animes and fan stories and other things of that nature. She begins to think of things that inspire her sexually, and her bedtime ritual begins again, although the visions are often foggy and unclear, there is barely anything sexual in them aside from kissing, yet still they are thought to be complete sexual desires. As the teenage years progress, and she begins to surf the Internet and her friends often talk things of an intimate nature but never about masturbation, just about how gross things were, or when they would like have sex for the first time and with who and so on. This information amounts to the teen forming a complete picture about sex: after a certain amount of time in a relationship, a couple will have sex, but the first time it will be very painful, the membrane covering the vagina will tear and the will be lots of blood, but after that sex will be good from there after. The teen resolves her self to put such an event off as long as possible if not forever, their vagina becomes a symbol of fear, that anything put into it might result in an accidental loss of virginity which would equate to intense pain. Thinking about it results in pain and anxiety, so she tries not to think about it whenever possible. Over time, the feelings intensify and everything people say only seems to reiterate the idea that first time sex is painful. Years pass, and still the teen hasn’t gotten any more education than that, the opening remains elusive, the teen never uses tampons or looks in a mirror for her opening, the anxiety is replaced by a feeling of sickness triggered by just looking at her vulva, even while going to the bathroom.

Then one day the older teen gets into a relationship, where she often fears that sex will be brought up. Even after all of those years of bedtime pleasuring, the teen is clueless about sexual matters, never having had a complete sexual fantasy. The boy tries to show her what might feel good for her, but she feels full of guilt and disgust, clenches her legs tightly whenever he goes down there and insists that it won’t work. He says that sex is only painful because most people aren’t doing it right, but she vehemently rejects that idea as false, since no one had ever said that before so it must be false. Over time, their relationship develops despite the problems, and she even becomes use to some activities performed even though her legs often clench tightly, and sometimes a feeling of sickness or anxiety passes over her. Even later than that, she decides that maybe she is ready to try sex with the right preparation, believing the discomfort may only be brief. However, when the time comes, she feels rather nervous but believes that its normal, when it comes times for him to try and enter her he places himself at her opening and she becomes hysterical-effectively stopping the activity. She’s left confused wondering “how did it get to this point?”

This is how it happens.