Perception

People have different reactions when I tell them about my vaginismus. It seems to usually fit into two categories: The Healer and You're Making it Up

The Healer feels much compassion, but oh! they have the solution. 'Just wait until you hear my awesome advice, its sure to cure you! Ever try sticking your finger up your vagina? I heard it works! Also, try masturbating! It feels good!' Or something along those lines. Even though they may be a bit misguided, I like these people. They have your best interest in mind. They want to fix you, and they want you to have good sex. Even though they don't know anything about your condition, they still are trying to help you think of solutions. Not perfect, sometimes annoying, but still better than the second type of people.

You're Making it Up: AKA the Why Don't You Try Harder people. These people annoy the shit out of me. They have helpful suggestions like "Just cram a dick up there and wear a pad for a few days for the blood that pours out" And "Get wasted and have someone cram their dick into your lifeless corpse!" These are the same types of people who see sex and virginity as a zero sum game. These are the same people who still classify me as 'not yet a woman' because a dick hasn't yet entered the womanly gates (And if we are gonna get technical, technically a dick has poked its head in there so....ha?). These people are always chiding me for not relaxing enough, they say I just have a tight vagina, that needs a good pummeling by the right man and then I will be cured.

What scares me most about the Try Harder people (Besides thinking about the terrifying sex they must be having! Yikes!) is the assumption the sex is a milestone and not an actual act. Sex = Adulthood, Sex = relationship seriousness starts here! What is there to be gained from me having painful sex? I mean really? Who wins in this situation? I certainly don't, I bleed for a few days, it burns when I pee, I don't get off. Maybe I'll get lucky and have a pregnancy scare, a UTI, or an STI. Does my partner win? He gets to hump a motionless person who's bleeding and wincing in pain. All for the sake of RELATIONSHIP SERIOUSNESS! How serious could a relationship be that requires active, repeated pain on one person's behalf all the time for the other partners benefit? How could an enthusiastic blow job, mutual masturbation, or anal play session be that much worse? You know, the kind where everybody enjoys themselves?

Maybe I'm missing the point. I'm sure PIV sex is great, and I simply CANNOT WAIT to have it. But only when its great, or good enough, or not excruciatingly painful. And that's the kind of milestone I want to reach, when I'm ready to.