Friday, August 24, 2012

Never Enough

Whatever I do is never good enough. I'm not trying hard enough, always behind the curve. I'm selling myself short, I'm not growing, my attitude is bad, I'm the reason that bad things happen to me...yada yada.

Well you know what?

You don't get to pass judgement. You, who stands atop of your cushy pedestal. You don't ever have to take your own advice. You can just look down on me, flapping your lips and proving about what you know about the world. But you don't know. Because you don't live in that world. You live in your comfortable, normal world, where you are blind to suffering.

You don't get that right. Nobody does.

I have to work really fucking hard sometimes, just to do a half ass job of living my life. Something you will never understand, you neurologically typical person you. There's no crippling depression, hours sucked into the void of compulsions, bouts of panic and paranoia, hysteria, stomach pain that keeps you on the toilet much longer than you need to because you were nervous about something stupid. Invasive thoughts that keep you from enjoying life, scabs and scars, picking and picking and plucking and bleeding. The tape loop, over and over. The numbness, the anger. The inexplicable things.

I'd like to see you sit in front of a mirror with your legs spread, trying to put a single finger in your own vagina, but failing. Failing at touching your OWN body. How humiliating it is, to be an enemy of yourself. How vulnerable it feels. How disgusting and degrading the assumptions are of my character. How stupid you feel when you fail that simple task. How alone you feel when no one else understands your pain. How scared you feel when you posture that you might be stuck like this forever. Only half useful.

So fuck you dude, just fuck you.

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