Sigh

I broke up with boyfriend last week. I feel bad. I couldn't do it anymore. I just feel too bad and like I'm not the person I want to be. He was a sweet person but I think he was a little delusional on what is expected of a relationship and how things need to be. But ultimately I chose to shoulder the blame and opt out of the relationship. I just feel like I'm too callous and selfish feeling to want to put anybody else through that. I'm horny and angry. Not the best combo. Still processing in my free moments and trying to figure out what I feel. Lonely, but a little relieved I don't have to think about people's feelings and everlasting love and shit like that.

Still have not been to my therapy appointment yet. On Thursday. They had better have a lot to say , I have been waiting a very long time.

I Drank a Coffee and Now I Feel Like I'm On Fire

I don't understand. I don't understand what's happening. I don't understand why I can't sympathize anymore. I am angry and I don't want to be touched. I don't care anymore. I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen. I don't want to be the bad guy. I'm tired of taking the fall. I'm tired of being involved. I'm tired.

I Have a Bad Feeling

I'm tired still, but I feel marginally better than I did about a week ago. I confided my feelings to my best friend and told her how I had been feeling for awhile. I told her that I resented everyone for no particular reason, that I often fantasized about harming myself or slapping people. That sometimes it felt like my skin was on fire because of how angry and annoying and unstimulated I felt. That I didn't want to feel that way anymore.

Then I felt a lot better. Just saying that out loud made me feel better. Then we made a deal to talk to therapists. She went to hers already, mine is next week. I hope it goes alright. It took them three weeks to get me an appointment which is absurd! But I guess we will see how it goes...

BLaaah

School is hard. I'm tired. Remember when I used to be a productive and creative person. Engaging and friendly at times? That was cool. Or maybe I never was like that. Maybe I just thought I was really creative and productive when in reality I was a regular slacker. And now that my priorities have changed it just feels like I have lost something.

But Idk, sometimes I feel like I have lost something. Like something broke me. Lots of bad things have happened before, but last year broke me. That part of me that was endlessly giving and patient withered and died. It was ground up and spit back out again. That's how I feel sometimes. I feel scared I'll feel weird and resentful and lonely and isolated forever and I'll never get back again. Back to normal, back to me.

I had all these goals, I accomplished them, but I climbed that mountain only to realize that I was alone at the top. Nobody was there to celebrate that climb with me. Those people left on their own, some of them were left behind on purpose, some of them I pushed back down. And now, on the mountaintop of success, I realize that I must climb back down into the valley again. To swallow one's pride and lower back onto the level where everyone else. Because they all climbed that mountain and realized they had to come back down again. And it's not easy.

He Said

He said to me, "You are so kind. You give so much of yourself to others that I would like to give myself fully to you."

He said "I am proud of you, you are smart, you are beautiful, you are just what I need."

He said "You are never alone."

I cried because I was scared. Scared because loneliness is the easy path. To give myself fully is hard. It requires the abilities to scrape together the junk that used to be a loving human being into a functioning human being. And to hope they won't be able to tell the difference. And then maybe one day I'll be a loving human being again.

I don't know.

I'm scared.

Blah Blah Blah

Nobody reads this so I guess I'm writing to myself.

Hey self,

I know you feel bad, but remember when you felt like this in the past? Remember how things felt like they weren't going to get any better? And they did, didn't they? They got better even if it was just for a little while, they improved. Remember how good that felt? It felt pretty good. So try to strive for that again. Remember when people liked you? They did. Lots of people did. You had good qualities. Have those qualities again, have different cool qualities again. People will like you again. It's okay. You can be mad for a little while. But then it's time to grow up. The world is not out to get you. It's okay to be irrelevant. Everything is irrelevant. Stop wallowing.

-Self

Fast Approaching The Second Birthday Without My Grandfather

Both mine and his. Happy Birthday Grandpa. Love you.


Happy Birthday Me. Do better. You can do better.