The past 24 hours sucked balls

I've been involved in this bizarre feud with my ex since last night and it was awful. This is the ex I just wrote about being concerned for his life. Well he contacts me out of the blue and I think we're having a nice reconciliation but really he wants all his stuff back. So I get mad and then he gets mad and its a bunch of dumb bs and I'm getting really tired of this.

I'd really like us to have a friendly relationship. Not Friends, but friendly. But sometimes its hard not to get irrationally mad. I really want to just be left alone. I feel like I've been married and divorced and I hate feeling obligated to somebody when really I'm not. And it makes me want to climb in a whole and never come out because I'm really ready to just let go but It's just SO FUCKING HARD. I want to move on. I want to move on. Let it go. It's dead. You will love again. Let it the fuck go.

I really like my new boyfriend and I don't want to mess this up. So let it all go. Stop hoarding all the old crap you guys have. Give it up.

Depression

Sometimes I cry. I cry for myself, for strangers, for happy things, for sad things, and currently for people suffering from depression. Depression is a horrible illness. It is common, subtle, and stigmatized--it's like a sweet smelling poison. It taints everything that it touches, it puts the blame on yourself, it takes beautiful complex people and reduces them to lifeless husks.

It scares me and I hate it.

If depression were a person, I'd punch them. But depression is a person, it hides in many of the people you love and eats their person-hood from the inside out. And sometimes you can tell its there, and you want to punch it, but you can't cause your friend, lover, family member is in there too. Trapped as an unwilling host, but utterly convinced that they aren't. That they want to be there, they want to feel this way, there is nothing for them. And it simply isn't true.

I am so afraid for my friend's lives, for my life, for my ex-boyfriend's life. I live in fear that he's going to kill himself, so cut off from the world at this point. Utterly hopeless. I'm afraid for him. I'm afraid for me too--because I know that part of me will feel relieved. It makes me feel sick. But he is my first love, and my love is strong. Just because we needed to break up, doesn't mean I want him to have a bad life.

I would have jumped in front of a hundred trains, taken a hundred bullets, walked into the very flames of hell if it could have somehow brought you happiness. But that isn't what you want, you are a passenger to your depression, but that's the way you want it to be. You are an adult, you push me away, you hurt me, because you want to be alone. And I don't have anymore options left.

I was so sick too. I was sick like you. We were hurting each other. Sometimes at night when I go to bed it hurts me to think about never touching your beautiful body again. But then it hurts me to think about actually touching your body again. And I remember that I made the right choice. This was a choice that you and I wanted. That person I want to touch doesn't exist anymore. He has been replaced by an insensitive, alcoholic, asshole. That person is sick and wants to be that way.

I was sick like you. But I worked hard to feel better. I sank down to the bottom. Through diarrhea, vomiting, self-harm, obsessions, debilitating rage and sadness, feeling faint, bad acne, bad living situations. And I worked hard. So that even on bad days I know that there's a way up again. And I just want you to see that. I want you to see that light at the end of the tunnel. Even when our tunnels have long since diverged. Even when we have loved and lived many years out in the space-time continuum. I want to know that you have blossomed into that beautiful person that was always so evident to me. Not the dark passenger everyone else sees. The real you underneath it all.

And since it is impossible for me to know at this point what the future holds, or what you're really thinking anymore, I must let time be the judge. I will use my feelings as the standard while I search for love again. And I don't think it will be long before love finds my heart again.

I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulder

It feels strange to feel deeply for someone again. I'm incredibly nervous about getting hurt again. But I can't fucking help it, its like water rushing downhill, it can hardly be stopped. To borrow a quote from a good movie, "He is just what a young man ought to be." Smart, good-natured, sympathetic to the struggles of women. And then yesterday I was blown away when he told me that I shouldn't feel so bad about my problem, that it was even a problem, just a natural variant of human sexuality. That I was valuable as a person for me, and not the sexual services I can and can't provide.

I just cried, it felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulder. I have let vaginismus weigh so heavily on my self-worth, maturity, sexuality, relationships, to hear someone who has absolutely nothing to gain by lying about it freely say such a thing....brings tears to my eyes each time I think about it. There were so many times when I thought about ending my life, wishing I was never born, that I would never live a normal life.

And now I can clearly see how wrong I was. I am so happy to be alive, even when its hard. I had such simple goals in my life, that seemed to be hopeless, but hear I am getting ready to achieve all of them. To think my heart would ever truly feel again, even after I have loved so hard and lost even harder, is truly a testament to how strong the human heart is. To love even in spite of pain, to pick yourself up and love again. To be blind and stupid, again and again.

A Post to Bring Us Up To Speed

And so, I'm back to dating again. I survived the one year anniversary of my family members death (although I accidentally drank too much wine and was a scary drunk), I have expressed my feelings more to people, been more social and active, got my life plan together for the next year. Feeling much more positive.

I met a guy on the internet, talked for like 5 months, we liked each other, so we went on some dates. Now we're in a relationship. We're both very shy and nervous. He's very sweet, smells good and his skin is very soft. We like a lot of the same things. I like him very much!

And perhaps even more amazingly, my body LOVES him. My vagina has relaxed so much, I don't even do my exercises lately. He fingers me multiple times in a row and it actually feels good. And the last few times he put two fingers in which has NEVER happened before (I can't even do that). And it was so exciting and I was giggling and he was really happy too. So omgsexmaybesoon? Who even knows, I've reverted to my 'sixteen year old first time being in love' self again and I hope I don't do something stupid to scare him away.

Overall feeling realistic but happy at the same time. Only time will tell what the future will bring to me.

Sometimes it is hard to let go

2013 was kind of a terrible year, and now almost two months into 2014, I would really like to let it go. I'm approaching the years mark of my two family members death, which marked the downward spiral of my year. It feels like I've lost so much, friendships, family, love, excitement. And sometimes it makes it hard to keep my chin up. I know that it can only go up from here, but it's overwhelming. Because I have to do all the walking. I hike up the mountain of self-improvement on my own, sometimes blindly, sometimes getting lost and cold and sad. But when I look up at the sky, there is only sun to greet me. That sun reminds me that I'm alive, that I'm strong.

It's okay to cry and be weak, its okay to be scared. Because those are just feelings, and feelings will pass. There will always be those who hurt you, but wounds heal. Sometimes they scar, but what is a scar but a mark on the surface? Hurt doesn't take away from what your are, what you have, what you worked hard for. Hurt doesn't change the fundamental building blocks that make you.

So hurt, and then get up and be who you are. Work hard. Live, in all your tears and hurt, and be that person you were meant to be.

New Tag

I just made a tag for the Progress Log. And Wow! Amazing! How strong and together I am compared to the first post. How amazing it is that I got so far. My one moment to pat myself on the back, Go me!

Progress Log: Mechanics of Sex

So back on the sex horse, tried yesterday and then today. Yesterday was the same old issues so then I gave up. But today I was determined to be a normal sexual being again, so I tried again. Very patiently. I was a little scared since it had been awhile since I really tried to insert something all the way in. My goal to make dilator three a non-issue hasn't been all too successful. So I tried really hard this time. I was clenching up so hard at first, so I pulled way back and let my body relax. Then I started to insert it and I really hated the feeling. It was uncomfortable and I didn't like feeling my muscle twitch around the dilator. But it had started to slide all the way in so I was determined to make this work, to push myself farther. I told myself to try and last for ten minutes, which seemed unbearable at the time. But after listening to a whole song my body started to accept it. I decided to try and open and close my legs, then I lifted one leg and then the other. I pulled my knees to my chest and it didn't cause any issues. I moved my hips in the babiest of motions.

This was the first time I'd ever changed positions with an object in my vagina before! So cool milestone. Left me feeling renewed and hopeful that I could do this.

Fuck, I can do this!