Sexual frustration

Is it possible to die of sexual frustration? Cause I feel I'm getting close. Seriously, I'm miserable.

Protip

Orgasms help relieve period cramps. Just an FYI.

I'm trying hard, but really I'm just losing it lately. Had some serious suicidal ideations which forced me to back up and reexamine my life. I'm very much not attracted to a lot of people I used to feel strongly for, as well as 100% of the people I meet on OkCupid. Feeling very confused and overwhelmed but a lot of intangible things. I'm just trying to survive the holidays and fix my 'problem'.

Back in The Game

After going very far back in the progress. I'm back to the number 4 dilator sort of. But I have no one to practice on. Everybody is annoying me. So deceptive and dismissive of my feelings.

I had a really difficult holiday break. Having spent every holiday of my life hanging out with my grandfather. The silence is deafening. And here I am alone again. Wondering if I'm going crazy or just feeling the normal range of feelings any person would under these circumstances.

I would just like a support partner right now. Nothing crazy. Maybe even like a casual sex partner. Somebody who was really kind and sweet but just got beaten down in life so badly that they can't feel anymore. And they just want to share a few quick breaths and a groan so that they can feel human again.

I wish I could feel human again.

Vagina Stream of Consciousness

I want to let go. I want to let it all go. I want to be relaxed and free and doing the dirtiest of things. I want to peel off all my sexual woes and personal trauma and bask in the nudity of my thoughts. To be soft and cuddly, yet slick and sweaty.

I am ready

I am ready

I am ready to be done. I'm ready to push the limits and enter the unknown. I want to have sex. I want to be an active participant in my own encounters. To not be afraid or shaking or stiff. To say dirty words. No more dilator sessions, just real life field experience. No more guilt, anger or resentment.

We are so close!

Working the number four dilator. And number five is huge and I probably don't need to actually fit it in in order to have sex. Maybe I'll try it for fun, but really if I can do the four I'll be golden. I got maybe 3.5/4 inches in the last few times. Not bad.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore

Lately my heart seems to swell whenever I talk to you. It threatens to rise out of my chest like a helium filled balloon. Expanding and floating away into the wind, over a rainbow-filled field of sunflowers, in the countryside of a land known as Love.

I don't even know what that means or what I'm doing anymore.

Trigger Warning

What makes somebody a molester? And what happens when you get molested? Is there something you have to do or say?

A guy put his hand down my pants at a party. It was fucked up for a lot of reasons. Cause I didn't understand why it was so bad. I was drunk, the room was dark and foggy. All I thought was "Ha, I hope he touched my pubes and was grossed out." I was confused, I immediately walked upstairs into the bathroom, but I was disoriented. I dropped a piece of my costume into the toilet. So there I was wringing it out over the toilet bowl wondering why I was always targeted first. I never, smiled, made eye contact or talked to this dude. He was talking to all kinds of girls, but he went straight for me. I took a step back and said Whoa There. Or something like that to indicate displeasure. But I felt bad. I didn't want to cause a scene or hurt his feelings. That's fucked up. I didn't want to hurt this molesters feelings. He got kicked out eventually for something unrelated, and everybody was angry that I didn't say something earlier. I didn't want to cause a scene. I just wanted to enjoy my evening, for it to be quick and done with and to leave me alone. I didn't really care about kissing him, I didn't want to but it wasn't traumatic. I just didn't care. But don't touch my private parts, or my ass crack or whatever you touched.

It reminded me of when I met this guy on his birthday. I wished him a happy birthday and later offered him my seat when the bar filled up. I was trying to be friendly. He started confessing his love to me and saying how hot I was. How I should come back to his friends place. I laughed and said nothing. I was with a huge group of people who didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I was really really drunk. I kept going into the bathroom to hide. I eventually texted my roommate SOS for loss of what to do. She immediately came to get me. I said I was leaving, he started groping me and making out with my closed lips. My roommate started hitting him with a stick. He didn't seem to notice. I was in a huge group of people who just shrugged.

I saw him again and he was really apologetic. I believed him. I saw him again and told him to come chat with me at the bar. I was trying to make amends since he seems sincerely apologetic. One beer later and hes already making passes at me again. I ignored him and talked to somebody else. People seemed to sympathize with him, but definetly not me.

One time a 50 something year old man walked me and my roommate home. He walked us home and just kept going until he came into our house. We didn't know what to say or do. I hugged him as politely as possible and told him goodnight. I was scared to be alone. I ran away every time I saw him.

Conversely, one time I went over to a guy's house in his late 40s. I tenderly sipped a glass of while shaking with nervousness. Then I took off my clothes and asked him to jerk me off. He was nervous too, he hesitated but I kept pushing it. We were stroking and massaging each other very softly and sensually. We weren't drunk, just two nervous horny people. He came, but I didn't know how to back then. I felt surreal. What the heck was I doing? I was dangerous, but I wasn't in danger. Never were the boundaries crossed. So very gentle, yet raw. Utmost simplicity in lovemaking. Or so I thought. Later on I found it odd, but never gross or scary. Just an amazement that I did that. And I didn't get drugged or raped. And believe me, any bystander would have sickly declared that I asked for it. But I didn't.

The major difference being a concerted desire, equal on both ends and enthusiastically consented to. Even though we were both nervous and hesitant. We both clearly enjoyed ourselves. Even if it was a tiny bit fucked up.

Dilator 4 Progress and Why The Hell Am On OKCupid?

Seriously, why am I on okcupid? I don't like anybody and I'm scared of intimacy. People seem so boring and sketchy and only interested in sex. Like I'm so suspicious and I can't reply to anybody's messages on time and I assume they are all creepos or gross even when they probably aren't. And I don't want to meet up with anyone or give out my phone number. I don't feel like making time or being friendly. What the hell am I doing? I'm probably PMSing. Or wayyy too jaded to think about love again.

I'm sick of people lying to me and I'm hurting about being cheated on. I know it's going to be okay, but still. I hurt regardless. People make mistakes, and people can makes amends. But god damn. Betrayal.

Dilator four went in really far, almost all the way. 4 is basically a dick, if I could detach a guy's dick from his body and spend 5-10 minutes slowly easing it into my finicky vagina, while laying there like a dead fish and making weird breathing sounds and doing approximately 0 sexy actions. Sounds really cool to me.

Sometimes I fear I am being eaten alive by my own bitterness and self-criticism. The holidays are not going to do me well this year. And I'm going to have to do it alone. Lest I find my soulmate on okcupid who doesn't want to meet up and can stay hard for the entirety of the above scenario I explained and be okay with that. Then I'd probably be disappointed that he's too boring.

Christ, what a mess.