If I hadn't talked about crying during sex, or watched that Laci Green Video about crying during sex. I would be a lot more distressed. But you know, sometime stuff just feels good, and sometimes when we really let go, allow ourselves to orgasm and get that release our bodies do funny stuff. And I guess that's really the key here: Letting go, letting our bodies do the talking, allowing ourselves to experience things and giving ourselves permission to enjoy things even if we sometimes feel like we don't deserve it. Because that's wrong, we do deserve it. Because if we didn't, the sensations wouldn't be there to enjoy. So go out there and be your fabulous selves. And be okay with what may happen.
And for the record, the boyfriend wasn't weirded out about it at all. He thought it was really cute. And it probably boosted his ego a lot. And I orgasmed due to the most magical oral sex ever. So we all kinda won here.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
OB GYN
So...
With the desire of not wanting to die alone, I decided it was time to talk to a women's professional about what exactly was going on with my body. Was it all in my head? Was it all in my body? Is there something really wrong with me that requires surgery? Have I really just not broken my hymen yet? To be honest, I really don't know. Having only minimal experience probing around down there, and not having probed any other vaginas. What I thought made sense in my head, in recent context makes less sense than I thought.
There is a possibility that there really isn't anything wrong with me, besides a paralyzing fear of sex and penetration. And if that's true, that means there's a really easy fix for that: CBT and exposure and response therapy. CBT is a way of rationalizing one's fears so that they seem normal. It's super effective. If I can slowly expose myself to the things I fear most, I can slowly build an immunity to the fear response itself. Resulting in le sex.
But that's all assuming I can go through with this appointment, and they don't find anything wrong. I wonder. If I overcome this. I will have successfully conquered the greatest roadblock to my self esteem and well being. I wont have to fear anymore rejection or being seen as incomplete. And hey, I might even like it! I might really like it! And then I can use and abuse sex all I want and make stupid life choices and fall for people who are all wrong for me just like everybody else does. A normal person.
Just.
Like.
Everybody.
Else.
With the desire of not wanting to die alone, I decided it was time to talk to a women's professional about what exactly was going on with my body. Was it all in my head? Was it all in my body? Is there something really wrong with me that requires surgery? Have I really just not broken my hymen yet? To be honest, I really don't know. Having only minimal experience probing around down there, and not having probed any other vaginas. What I thought made sense in my head, in recent context makes less sense than I thought.
There is a possibility that there really isn't anything wrong with me, besides a paralyzing fear of sex and penetration. And if that's true, that means there's a really easy fix for that: CBT and exposure and response therapy. CBT is a way of rationalizing one's fears so that they seem normal. It's super effective. If I can slowly expose myself to the things I fear most, I can slowly build an immunity to the fear response itself. Resulting in le sex.
But that's all assuming I can go through with this appointment, and they don't find anything wrong. I wonder. If I overcome this. I will have successfully conquered the greatest roadblock to my self esteem and well being. I wont have to fear anymore rejection or being seen as incomplete. And hey, I might even like it! I might really like it! And then I can use and abuse sex all I want and make stupid life choices and fall for people who are all wrong for me just like everybody else does. A normal person.
Just.
Like.
Everybody.
Else.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
A Lapse in Posting
I haven't posted lately due to being swept away in life at the moment. Working long hours, having a bf, getting annoyed at stuff, cooking a lot of meals and cleaning the shit out of the house. I don't really feel like typing into a computer. Especially since I've been journaling some feelings about sex. Almost every day when I remember to. I'm not sure if it's actually successful, or allowing me to explain to other people properly.
But It's a start. We gotta start somewhere. I put a small vibrator in again. I pushed it in even with resistance. It burned. But it went in. Made me wonder if that was a muscle anymore. Maybe that was something else. Hmm.
My friend blatantly asked me if I lost my virginity yet. That made me mad. Besides being a private matter, I feel like I have long since surpassed some dumb concept of virginity. Becoming a woman. being deflowered. etc...Maybe not in society's eyes. I guess I don't care, but I do care really. I just don't feel like talking about it to people who don't respect my privacy.
But It's a start. We gotta start somewhere. I put a small vibrator in again. I pushed it in even with resistance. It burned. But it went in. Made me wonder if that was a muscle anymore. Maybe that was something else. Hmm.
My friend blatantly asked me if I lost my virginity yet. That made me mad. Besides being a private matter, I feel like I have long since surpassed some dumb concept of virginity. Becoming a woman. being deflowered. etc...Maybe not in society's eyes. I guess I don't care, but I do care really. I just don't feel like talking about it to people who don't respect my privacy.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Hurt
When you are an atheist there are some things that just can't be easy. An explaining death is one of them. See, to explain death means to say that I have been permanently severed from the people I love most. If I leave it in the hands of God. Maybe I'll see them again. But....I just can't believe it. I want to believe it. But it seems ridiculous. Is heaven a tangible place with dead people walking around in it? What age are they? Are they the age they died at? Are there babies who died in heaven? Do they age? How is there enough space for everyone?
I'm not buying, and yet. I just miss my grandfather so badly. I want to believe. The pain is just so great sometimes. I can hardly breathe. It hits me like a slap in the face. I say to myself. I hate reality. I hate life. I hate everything that could allow that to happen. I'm just so angry. And there isn't ever enough strength and positive energy and "it gets better" bullshit to fill that gaping void sometimes. I know it gets better. It got better the last three dead family members.
But I don't WANT it to be better or easier. I want it to be fixed. I want the grave injustice that is the wiping of this fantastic person from the earth so suddenly to be rectified. Immediately. I just want to throw myself down on the ground and throw a big baby tantrum until someone fixes it. But they wont. The world doesn't stop turning for anybody. There is no breaks or reprieves.
I'm not buying, and yet. I just miss my grandfather so badly. I want to believe. The pain is just so great sometimes. I can hardly breathe. It hits me like a slap in the face. I say to myself. I hate reality. I hate life. I hate everything that could allow that to happen. I'm just so angry. And there isn't ever enough strength and positive energy and "it gets better" bullshit to fill that gaping void sometimes. I know it gets better. It got better the last three dead family members.
But I don't WANT it to be better or easier. I want it to be fixed. I want the grave injustice that is the wiping of this fantastic person from the earth so suddenly to be rectified. Immediately. I just want to throw myself down on the ground and throw a big baby tantrum until someone fixes it. But they wont. The world doesn't stop turning for anybody. There is no breaks or reprieves.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
A long overdue post
Haven't posted in awhile. I didn't feel like typing anything for awhile. Work schedule completely flip flopped. Hard to believe we are five months into 2013. Nothing but insanity since then. I love my life, even when it's annoying. I have so much to be thankful for.
Still hanging with maybe boyfriend. Things seem quite good, even in their weirdness. I guess the problem being that my ex has completely infiltrated all aspects of my life. (The places I hang out and the people I would hang out) so its not like I can bring this new guy around. So I've compensated by just not going out much at the moment. Which doesn't seem like the greatest idea. But i've been tired and irritable anyways so I guess I haven't really wanted to hang out anyways.
So even in these two paragraphs my mood and outlook seem to oscillate rapidly. I've been wishing I was still in college so I could hit up the counseling office. I think that would really help. Oh well, I have to take the good with the bad....
Still hanging with maybe boyfriend. Things seem quite good, even in their weirdness. I guess the problem being that my ex has completely infiltrated all aspects of my life. (The places I hang out and the people I would hang out) so its not like I can bring this new guy around. So I've compensated by just not going out much at the moment. Which doesn't seem like the greatest idea. But i've been tired and irritable anyways so I guess I haven't really wanted to hang out anyways.
So even in these two paragraphs my mood and outlook seem to oscillate rapidly. I've been wishing I was still in college so I could hit up the counseling office. I think that would really help. Oh well, I have to take the good with the bad....
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Relationships
I want to be in a relationship. I'm also terrified to be in a relationship. But I want one anyways. I may not be myself lately, but I so badly want to be. I want good things. I want a good life. I want to love and be loved.
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