I'm Horny and That Makes me Feel Ashamed

It's weird, sometimes I go back in progress and it's hard to tell why. Sometimes I feel really ashamed about my sexuality. I look back on times I was sexual and feel ashamed and weird about it. Like, Wow, I can't believe I said or did that. It makes it hard to advocate for my needs. And when you can't advocate your needs its hard for people to meet them. And when people don't meet your needs it can feel angering and isolating and then you don't want to interact with them anymore. When you can't interact with people it feels lonely and it becomes hard to trust people. And then its just a big downward spiral from there.

I crave human touch and that makes me embarrassed sometimes. I wish I was a robot. Feelings make a person weak. Or so I tell myself sometimes. But the truth is. I want to fuck and touch and be messy with someone. I want to speak the unspeakable, feel the unfathomable, and shout in ecstasy until I can't remember a world without stress and pain.

Because if I can't do that, then why do anything? Its a utterly natural set of urges, I need to tell myself.

Back in August I made a weird goal for myself

I did not even come close to that goal. I still have not commented on a web forum and I still do way too much lurking. Still angry and isolated. But I guess it's okay. I'm still breathing.

Grad School is Hard.

I need to Fire my therapist

My therapist sucks a lot, and I need to fire him. But I feel bad doing it. Like he's my friend or something. He's not a bad person, but he sucks as a therapist. Gives bad advice, has bad posture that makes his whole attitude feel apathetic and lazy. Our sessions are never guided. He doesn't remember the stuff I say or take notes. I never have assignments. He only nitpicks things that are barely important to me. And glosses over the stuff that is. We meet 40 minutes every two weeks and its never enough time. He's always late. I don't look forward to it. I don't feel that its helped me in any way.


I don't know why I thought this was a hard choice to make. It's clearly not

Memory Loss

Life comes and goes but there will always be memories, or so a saying goes something like this.

But what about when there is no memories? What happens to ourselves when we start to lose our memories? What becomes of our lives and who are we really? How do you maintain an identity when you're rapidly losing the building blocks of your life history? How do you preserve yourself?

I don't know, and I don't have any answers yet. I was reading the transcript of an interview with people suffering from Alzheimer's and it filled my head with so many questions. I don't know yet, I wish there was more information in the interview. It's still really hard to read stuff involving memory loss and slow descent dementia type things. It still feels very fresh. If I had tears, I would be crying them. But the well is still stubbornly dry.

I don't know when exactly I Maxed Out. But I have. I'm emotionally at my maximum capacity. I don't want to make any investments and yet I lament feelings isolated from everyone. I feel stagnant in an unchanging world. I want to help people and I want them to do things for me.

I want people to do things for me.

Maybe it sounds selfish. But I want a homemade dinner or a gift. Anything. I feel alone and I know I'm to blame.

UTI

Progress log


I am now a real vagina possessor. Having been treated for BV a yeast infection and now a UTI since I started having sex.


WOO. I'm normal. Stupid fucking normal. I pissed blood. That sucks


At least I know I made progress. Gotta take the good with the bad.

shut up

Im a dead robot and I dont care anymore. I have no feelings

Why doesnt anybody take me seriously?

stop talking to me dumb fucking people

Go fuck yourselves

I dont even have a reason, just fuck off because i said so

Hark! I Have Returned to the Internet

I haven't posted because I have barely had any feelings, and now I'm barely awake so this post wont make sense

Except for horny, if that an emotion. Very horny.

I reached out and reconnected with a ton of people lately. It was probably an awful life choice. I reconnected with all my exes. It was interesting.

Two months ago, I joined tinder and met a guy. He asked me to rim him. I did. It was very nice. But everything else about it was kinda meh.

Then I met another guy. Really liked him. He invited me back to his place. I said yes. He freaks out and says he can't have sex on the first date and then I got really excited when he rubbed my jeans and had a huge orgasm and was embarrassed. Then he unmatched and stopped talking to me. Oops.

I told my ex fiance I still loved him but I don't think I really want to date him again. We had sex. But then he hasn't changed at all. He still has a girlfriend but they are open. I think that's fucking stupid and I'm pretty turned off from him. I kind of don't want to date him again right now.

I went on a date tonight and the guy was really sweet. I liked talking to him. I had a cold but he still went out with me. We went back to his place to talk, and we did for awhile. Then before I knew it we were naked. It was rather nice though. We managed not to have sex. I guess we are saving that for the second date. God dammit. Ill probably start dating him...I suck at having casual sex apparently. He was really nice. His body is disturbingly similar to my last boyfriends though. Its really uncanny.

I reconnected with my old best friend who apparently has vaginismus now. I didn't really want to tell her about my virginity losing, but I think she needed my help. So I did. I overcame my problem. I poured my blood sweat and tears into fixing my body so I could enjoy my life. And it was hard as fuck and I thought it was impossible. But I did it. And each time I do it I like it more. And I'm less scared.

Thus concludes my sexual escapes for the past three months.