Blah Blah Blah

Nobody reads this so I guess I'm writing to myself.

Hey self,

I know you feel bad, but remember when you felt like this in the past? Remember how things felt like they weren't going to get any better? And they did, didn't they? They got better even if it was just for a little while, they improved. Remember how good that felt? It felt pretty good. So try to strive for that again. Remember when people liked you? They did. Lots of people did. You had good qualities. Have those qualities again, have different cool qualities again. People will like you again. It's okay. You can be mad for a little while. But then it's time to grow up. The world is not out to get you. It's okay to be irrelevant. Everything is irrelevant. Stop wallowing.

-Self

Fast Approaching The Second Birthday Without My Grandfather

Both mine and his. Happy Birthday Grandpa. Love you.


Happy Birthday Me. Do better. You can do better.

I Have A Weird Goal For Myself

I spend an embarrassing amount of hours lurking on forums and comment sections of all kinds. Blogs, news, facebook threads, etc. I have virtually never commented on anything but yet I sit there becoming incensed by people's opinion and having all kinds of intense emotional experiences, crying, laughing, talking to myself. And I'm typing this out because it sounds fucking insane. Because why? I'm increasingly becoming a more stubborn and withdrawn and I don't enjoy it. I'd like to treat myself the way I'd treat others, that their opinions, feelings, personal anecdotes are valuable. I don't mean that I want to spend hours online arguing with others, but why can't I chime in to say "Oh yeah, me too, I feel that opinion too." People used to like hearing me talk, they often value my opinions, so why would that be any different on the internet?

I was a person too once! Before I became completely abstracted in my own over-hyped sense of self. I have bad days too. Sometimes I get mad without reason. I have likes and dislikes, sometimes I like to be in silence. But if I really wanted to be alone, then why am I spending so many hours pretending I'm a part of a fake discussion? Seems awfully suspect.

So therefore, I'd like to cut down my time lurking on forums, and/or start contributing my own content on things. If I don't have the nerve to go commenting, then I should stop lurking entirely. At least that's what I'm thinking right now. It's a hard habit to break actually. They are a source of comfort for me, even if it's a completely fake one.

An Ode To Period Sex

Period sex.

What's the first thing it conjures up? Dirty, gross, painful, embarrassing even. A lot of hangups that are arguably pretty common. I mean hell, these are pretty widespread feelings about non period sex. Depressing as it sounds. Articles on the internet give a lot of tips, google search results brings a lot of hits, blog posts are written, internet arguments abound. It's a hot topic to some.

But for others, it's not so much an issue. For most women, every month for several days (A week even!), blood comes out of her vagina. It's a good thing, it means no babies, healthy uterus, appropriate weight etc. It also means shes a women. And when you possess a uterus, blood comes out of it (of course, you don't have to be a woman to have a uterus, but perhaps a large majority of uterus holders identify as women) and for all intents and purposes, blood from the uterus is safe for those who are std free. It can be ingested without ill effects, it has no smell (the odors are from the oxygen and bacteria reaction that occurs when the blood hits the air, or cotton pads/tampons/underwear), in fact, it really doesn't even taste that offensive. It's just another thing that comes out of you.

There's plenty of benefits too: Orgasms decrease cramps, can speed up the cycle (contractions can force blood out), can act as good lubricant, lower chance of pregnancy, more days of the month to get freaky, a greater acceptance of your body...

And plus, it feels really awesome. But in a totally different way, like I can't really explain it. It's like, warm and deep feeling. Your cervix sits a little lower so it's very full feeling. You feel a lot more emotional, and raw. It's less emphasis on orgasm and more about fully enveloping the sensations, and getting as close to that person as possible.

And obviously I don't just mean penetrative sex, for which I'm certainly no expert. But I've definitely fooled around on my period back when I was younger. I was embarrassed, but sheer horniness helped me to overcome. Although often it was some over the panties action or on the last few drops of the cycle. Now at this point, I have it on the full days. I've broken all the period rules. Girl on top, heavy flow days, oral sex. it's definitely much different than the other days. But I'm glad I do it. It makes me feel less ashamed of my body, ever so slowly, and that's invaluable to me.

Of course, a nice sexy shower afterwards is a plus. Guys who like period sex are the best. 

I'm a Sad Person

I just posted an add for friendship on Craigslist. Fuck I'm lonely.

Dry Spell Over

I had issues with penetration again, and I got really scared. It happened a couple times. Things felt dry and tight. I thought I was going back to square one. I couldn't get a finger in again. I felt a ton of anxiety about it.

But then my sweet boyfriend and I worked through it again, and had some amazing sex. Amazing. Missionary still provokes way too much anxiety for me. So we don't do that. But we still get pretty far, and do it pretty hard, and no pain!

Summary: Had issues, but then everything is back to normal. The secret is lots of foreplay, go slowly, sometimes laying completely still and getting your body to adjust, communication, cuddling (before during and after) and then some all out fucking! Then don't overdo it.

Angry Post

I ran into my two serious exes the other day, as well as this guy I messed around with a few times. It was really stressful. They all looked really attractive, but they were sad pathetic people. It made me very angry. How dare you sound so pathetic, when you have so fucking much. How dare you look at me like that! You could have had it, but you didn't want it. You couldn't give me the support I need, you didn't want to commit, you couldn't be loyal or faithful or honest. Don't you fucking dare look at me like that. I withdrew from the community so I could have my space, whereas you all could have flourished. But you didn't. You sat around feeling sorry for yourself and then got all excited when you saw me coming back giving me the fuck me eyes and smiling all sweetly. Fuck off. So you know what? I'm going out again, and I'm going to look as good as I can and sound as good as I can and you can all kiss my round ass as I walk out the door.