Dry Spell Over

I had issues with penetration again, and I got really scared. It happened a couple times. Things felt dry and tight. I thought I was going back to square one. I couldn't get a finger in again. I felt a ton of anxiety about it.

But then my sweet boyfriend and I worked through it again, and had some amazing sex. Amazing. Missionary still provokes way too much anxiety for me. So we don't do that. But we still get pretty far, and do it pretty hard, and no pain!

Summary: Had issues, but then everything is back to normal. The secret is lots of foreplay, go slowly, sometimes laying completely still and getting your body to adjust, communication, cuddling (before during and after) and then some all out fucking! Then don't overdo it.

Angry Post

I ran into my two serious exes the other day, as well as this guy I messed around with a few times. It was really stressful. They all looked really attractive, but they were sad pathetic people. It made me very angry. How dare you sound so pathetic, when you have so fucking much. How dare you look at me like that! You could have had it, but you didn't want it. You couldn't give me the support I need, you didn't want to commit, you couldn't be loyal or faithful or honest. Don't you fucking dare look at me like that. I withdrew from the community so I could have my space, whereas you all could have flourished. But you didn't. You sat around feeling sorry for yourself and then got all excited when you saw me coming back giving me the fuck me eyes and smiling all sweetly. Fuck off. So you know what? I'm going out again, and I'm going to look as good as I can and sound as good as I can and you can all kiss my round ass as I walk out the door.

I had the most amazing experience

I had seriously the most amazing sex ever last night. For many hours. We tried literally everything there is to try. And it all felt AMAZING. All of it. I feel like a warm fuzzy blanket of love and sexual energy. I'm realizing things I find interesting, letting my guard down, being a human being again. And he's is absolutely loving all of it. So he whispered in my ear for what felt like an eternity last night.

To say that I had good sex doesn't even begin to describe what happened to me last night. Waking up at the crack of dawn, fucking again, and realizing it was time to go to work. I walked outside to hear the otherworldly sounds of a bunch of Blue jays and Crows circling overhead. And I wondered whether I was dreaming-- floating along in a sea of perfect experiences, boundary pushing, barrier breaking, raw, passionate love.

Now I can't stop smiling.

Out With The Old

As referenced in the previous posts. All my exes left shit at my house and it made me sad. That stuff is gone now. It's time to rebuild. And I feel good, and tranquil and free of angst. I don't hate them. I love them, but in that abstract way. Where I want to help them in a genuine and good hearted manner. Not for dating or sex. But out of respect for the great partnership we had. We created something amazing, and now it's time to take it down and resurrect a new monument.

Cowgirl, missionary and thoughts of love

I had sex a lot more times now. Embarrassingly enough, I still can't really figure out how to get the penis in me by myself. But my partner is happy to oblige me in the meantime. I still get nervous and tense up. In missionary my arms and legs naturally push up and away. Its like some kind of knee jerk reaction trying to the push the person off of me. It's kind of annoying, but since I clearly want it, it isn't terribly inconvenient to subdue me or ignore it. He always waits very patiently for me to say I'm ready. And I take a deep breath and he encourages me and he slides in very slowly. It feels good but it's still really scary.

I am really just so fucking excited, I barely have any words to describe it. He is too. We are really excited to have sex. To make love. And I feel good because I know I was right in waiting all these years. I worked hard with the dilators, and therapy, and reading books, and doing CBT. And then I found an amazing boyfriend that really helped to push me over that last gate and into the land of sexual freedom. And it's great. We had our first innocent I love yous.

As always, moving forward and to the best self I can be. I am very proud.

More importantly, I can't wait to fuck some more.

Still feeling some feels

I am kind of in shock.



"How do you feel?" He asked. "I don't feel any different." I said. "I know right? I didn't either." He said. It's pretty much just a nice thing to do. Nothing crazy, just a nice thing. To express lust, sexual energy, unite love and attraction. To foster warm and fuzzy feelings in my heart once again. I feel again.

It's a three letter word that starts with S and ends with X

I am changing the date of this post so that it accurately records the date and time that the following event happened:

I had sex

I thought my heart was gonna explode in my chest I was so scared, but then we tried twice and it went in! And out! And in again. It didn't hurt either. It was just scary. I had worked myself up over it for so long that it just felt like EVERYTHING was at stake. But then I realized that I chose the right partner, and nothing was at stake. He said we could go at whatever pace I wanted. And I believed it. And it was so great! He was so great! We only did it for like a few minutes, but it was definitely in. Like a penis, was it my vagina. MY vagina.

My greatest downfall, my biggest foe, the fear I had of my own body. It is slowly breaking away. I worked very hard for this. I feel I did the right thing waiting as long as I did. I was relieved not to have a moment of  "OH SHIT I couldn't have easily done this all along." I could not have done this all along. I could only do it afters hours of researching, and years of maturing. I feel sad that I had to surrender so much of my life because I wasn't ready, but it had to be that way. I wasn't ready. I knew I wasn't ready.

But now, I'm ready. Not without quirks and bumps along the way, but I'm ready to enter the scary world of pregnancy scares and STDs

Here's a victory here. Didn't think it would ever happen. But it's fucking here. I'm fucking awesome and nothing can stop me.