Plowing Through My Fears

I just something very bizarre, and it involved tackling a huge number of fears at once. And absolutely nothing bad happened. Which is great, because it seemed like there was a lot of bad happening. Like my ex asking me to move in with him, another death in the family, my friend's recent suicide attempt, getting rejected whilst trying to get laid, and just generally hating everybody. But then suddenly I tackled all these fears:

Winter driving
Being Alone at night
Trying to find an unfamiliar address
A Sexual Encounter
Performance Anxiety

To name a few, except for the part where I'm pretty sure my ass wasn't as clean as it could have been. Awkward. Or maybe not. Honestly, I'm not squicked out by these types of things as you might think. I guess I just don't care.

But it brings a few issues to the forefront:

1. I'm horny

2. But also lovingly horny

3. Which makes me sort of dangerous

I like orgasms and all, but I really want to kiss. Without kissing it feels odd. Like I'm some kind of sickly person under quarantined that can't be touched. Which leads to feeling confused and unattractive.  So sexy time without kissing is kind of like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without bread. You still get the same flavors, but you're clearly missing something. And its all confusing and hard to eat.

Speaking of which, I'm hungry

Resolutions

2013's resolutions:







I've done nearly all of these to some degree

-Eat better - dated a vegan for the spring and summer and ate very well, took a serious initiative with my health, going to the doctor for the first time in many years and sleeping well, took vitamins and flaxseed and all that, washed my sheets regularly and showered regularly

-Run more - started off strong then faltered when I had to walk to work, so I walked a shit ton, and I recently started running again around Christmas time

-Apply for real job - I have a real job, with health insurance, have had it since March

-Be a better communicator - Definitely, people have been remarking on my composure, I've gotten into a few arguments with people after expressing my opinions, which is serious progress

-Dress better consistently - Got rid of a lot of junky and awkward clothes, simplified my wardrobe

-Be a better friend - Depends on who you asked, cut off a ton of my shitty and toxic friendships

-Have PIV sex - particularly with one of the three hotties from the previous post - Had some poking action, not full on thrusting, but some pokes. It counts god dammit.

-Try to stop putting myself down so much - Self image improved a lot, still plenty of room for improvement, but on my way

-Have more sex of any kind - learned to orgasm, and multi-orgasm, so YES!!


2014 Resolutions:

-Have PIV sex with thrusting

-Train for a half marathon

-Make good friends

-Become a better communicator in bed (Say the word pussy aloud)

-Have a radio show

-Paint something

-Perform at open mic

-Be a good driver

Sexual frustration

Is it possible to die of sexual frustration? Cause I feel I'm getting close. Seriously, I'm miserable.

Protip

Orgasms help relieve period cramps. Just an FYI.

I'm trying hard, but really I'm just losing it lately. Had some serious suicidal ideations which forced me to back up and reexamine my life. I'm very much not attracted to a lot of people I used to feel strongly for, as well as 100% of the people I meet on OkCupid. Feeling very confused and overwhelmed but a lot of intangible things. I'm just trying to survive the holidays and fix my 'problem'.

Back in The Game

After going very far back in the progress. I'm back to the number 4 dilator sort of. But I have no one to practice on. Everybody is annoying me. So deceptive and dismissive of my feelings.

I had a really difficult holiday break. Having spent every holiday of my life hanging out with my grandfather. The silence is deafening. And here I am alone again. Wondering if I'm going crazy or just feeling the normal range of feelings any person would under these circumstances.

I would just like a support partner right now. Nothing crazy. Maybe even like a casual sex partner. Somebody who was really kind and sweet but just got beaten down in life so badly that they can't feel anymore. And they just want to share a few quick breaths and a groan so that they can feel human again.

I wish I could feel human again.

Vagina Stream of Consciousness

I want to let go. I want to let it all go. I want to be relaxed and free and doing the dirtiest of things. I want to peel off all my sexual woes and personal trauma and bask in the nudity of my thoughts. To be soft and cuddly, yet slick and sweaty.

I am ready

I am ready

I am ready to be done. I'm ready to push the limits and enter the unknown. I want to have sex. I want to be an active participant in my own encounters. To not be afraid or shaking or stiff. To say dirty words. No more dilator sessions, just real life field experience. No more guilt, anger or resentment.

We are so close!

Working the number four dilator. And number five is huge and I probably don't need to actually fit it in in order to have sex. Maybe I'll try it for fun, but really if I can do the four I'll be golden. I got maybe 3.5/4 inches in the last few times. Not bad.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore

Lately my heart seems to swell whenever I talk to you. It threatens to rise out of my chest like a helium filled balloon. Expanding and floating away into the wind, over a rainbow-filled field of sunflowers, in the countryside of a land known as Love.

I don't even know what that means or what I'm doing anymore.