Can't stop crying. I know that this is something that I want. No easy way out, no magic pill, cream or words to make it less scary. This is something that I want. I want to be normal, I want to be loved.
"Above all else, know that no matter how conflicted, fearful or traumatic
your relationship to your genital are, it can change drastically for
the better." Leah Lakshmi.
This I want to believe.
I want to believe.
I want to believe.
In just a few hours.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Saturday, July 6, 2013
The final countdown and 100th post
My GYN appointment is on wednesday. And although I'm more determined to get this over with than paralyzingly afraid, I still have my doubts. I can just see myself being assigned somejackass doctor that dismisses my opinions and doesn't help me. I feel very unsure of my abilities to assert myself and get answers.
All and all, I feel rather sad lately. I lay in bed and there's tears. Maybe it's hormonal. Or maybe I just feel lonely. I feel like I can't connect to anyone. I feel paranoid that everybody is against me. That my boyfriend is going to dump me. That I have no friends. The my ex is plotting to make me miserable for all eternity. Maybe I've been wrong about everything. Maybe I'm amounting to nothing. Maybe I was better off never existing in the first place.
Because this is a secret blog, I can say that. I'm sitting amongst the possessions of my dead family members and it makes it hard to think that the world can be a positive place. I just want to curl up in bed and get a good nights sleep for once. Very sad and lonely.
(Even though I remember that there is much progress and I'm thankful for my life, even when it hurts. But I get to indulge myself in sadness too.)
All and all, I feel rather sad lately. I lay in bed and there's tears. Maybe it's hormonal. Or maybe I just feel lonely. I feel like I can't connect to anyone. I feel paranoid that everybody is against me. That my boyfriend is going to dump me. That I have no friends. The my ex is plotting to make me miserable for all eternity. Maybe I've been wrong about everything. Maybe I'm amounting to nothing. Maybe I was better off never existing in the first place.
Because this is a secret blog, I can say that. I'm sitting amongst the possessions of my dead family members and it makes it hard to think that the world can be a positive place. I just want to curl up in bed and get a good nights sleep for once. Very sad and lonely.
(Even though I remember that there is much progress and I'm thankful for my life, even when it hurts. But I get to indulge myself in sadness too.)
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Orgasms!
Being a woman, figuring out the line between good feels and orgasms can be difficult. We don't frequently have ejaculate to 'mark' when we come. Sometimes there's small tremors, or a great big one, a few orgasms, or a plateau and no orgasms. It sometimes makes it really challenging to answer "Did you come?" I find my instinctual answer is, "Does it really matter?" If I say we should stop, I'm probably satisfied in some way or another, so does it really matter?
I find that guys find the concept of making girls come to be extremely important to their success as a man or something. It's something I often forget, not being a man, but it's so common in my experience for a partner to apologize or feel badly after a sexual encounter. And It makes me really start to understand why women fake orgasms. I mean, sometimes the line is so thin between orgasm or not, that to fake it doesn't actually require that much more effort. Simply responding yes to "did you come?" has a similar effect of making a guy feel good or manly versus bad or not enough. And it makes me wonder, what is wrong with our ideas on sex??
Why do we feel that there is a 'right way' to have sexual intercourse? Why do we think that there is a start and finish to every sexual encounter that's so cut and dry? And really, why does everything have to be cut and dry to begin with? Can't there be an inbetween? Yeah maybe I did want to come, but I was tired and I like being close to you? Or I wasn't really turned on much to begin with, but I liked the sensations regardless.
Anyways, I had my first set of somethings that I may definitively be able to call an orgasm. The thrashing, yelling, spasming kind. It was really cool, but it unsurprisingly hasn't invalidating any of my previous sexual experiences or relationships.
I find that guys find the concept of making girls come to be extremely important to their success as a man or something. It's something I often forget, not being a man, but it's so common in my experience for a partner to apologize or feel badly after a sexual encounter. And It makes me really start to understand why women fake orgasms. I mean, sometimes the line is so thin between orgasm or not, that to fake it doesn't actually require that much more effort. Simply responding yes to "did you come?" has a similar effect of making a guy feel good or manly versus bad or not enough. And it makes me wonder, what is wrong with our ideas on sex??
Why do we feel that there is a 'right way' to have sexual intercourse? Why do we think that there is a start and finish to every sexual encounter that's so cut and dry? And really, why does everything have to be cut and dry to begin with? Can't there be an inbetween? Yeah maybe I did want to come, but I was tired and I like being close to you? Or I wasn't really turned on much to begin with, but I liked the sensations regardless.
Anyways, I had my first set of somethings that I may definitively be able to call an orgasm. The thrashing, yelling, spasming kind. It was really cool, but it unsurprisingly hasn't invalidating any of my previous sexual experiences or relationships.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
A Post In Which UntrustUs Cries After Oral Sex
If I hadn't talked about crying during sex, or watched that Laci Green Video about crying during sex. I would be a lot more distressed. But you know, sometime stuff just feels good, and sometimes when we really let go, allow ourselves to orgasm and get that release our bodies do funny stuff. And I guess that's really the key here: Letting go, letting our bodies do the talking, allowing ourselves to experience things and giving ourselves permission to enjoy things even if we sometimes feel like we don't deserve it. Because that's wrong, we do deserve it. Because if we didn't, the sensations wouldn't be there to enjoy. So go out there and be your fabulous selves. And be okay with what may happen.
And for the record, the boyfriend wasn't weirded out about it at all. He thought it was really cute. And it probably boosted his ego a lot. And I orgasmed due to the most magical oral sex ever. So we all kinda won here.
And for the record, the boyfriend wasn't weirded out about it at all. He thought it was really cute. And it probably boosted his ego a lot. And I orgasmed due to the most magical oral sex ever. So we all kinda won here.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
OB GYN
So...
With the desire of not wanting to die alone, I decided it was time to talk to a women's professional about what exactly was going on with my body. Was it all in my head? Was it all in my body? Is there something really wrong with me that requires surgery? Have I really just not broken my hymen yet? To be honest, I really don't know. Having only minimal experience probing around down there, and not having probed any other vaginas. What I thought made sense in my head, in recent context makes less sense than I thought.
There is a possibility that there really isn't anything wrong with me, besides a paralyzing fear of sex and penetration. And if that's true, that means there's a really easy fix for that: CBT and exposure and response therapy. CBT is a way of rationalizing one's fears so that they seem normal. It's super effective. If I can slowly expose myself to the things I fear most, I can slowly build an immunity to the fear response itself. Resulting in le sex.
But that's all assuming I can go through with this appointment, and they don't find anything wrong. I wonder. If I overcome this. I will have successfully conquered the greatest roadblock to my self esteem and well being. I wont have to fear anymore rejection or being seen as incomplete. And hey, I might even like it! I might really like it! And then I can use and abuse sex all I want and make stupid life choices and fall for people who are all wrong for me just like everybody else does. A normal person.
Just.
Like.
Everybody.
Else.
With the desire of not wanting to die alone, I decided it was time to talk to a women's professional about what exactly was going on with my body. Was it all in my head? Was it all in my body? Is there something really wrong with me that requires surgery? Have I really just not broken my hymen yet? To be honest, I really don't know. Having only minimal experience probing around down there, and not having probed any other vaginas. What I thought made sense in my head, in recent context makes less sense than I thought.
There is a possibility that there really isn't anything wrong with me, besides a paralyzing fear of sex and penetration. And if that's true, that means there's a really easy fix for that: CBT and exposure and response therapy. CBT is a way of rationalizing one's fears so that they seem normal. It's super effective. If I can slowly expose myself to the things I fear most, I can slowly build an immunity to the fear response itself. Resulting in le sex.
But that's all assuming I can go through with this appointment, and they don't find anything wrong. I wonder. If I overcome this. I will have successfully conquered the greatest roadblock to my self esteem and well being. I wont have to fear anymore rejection or being seen as incomplete. And hey, I might even like it! I might really like it! And then I can use and abuse sex all I want and make stupid life choices and fall for people who are all wrong for me just like everybody else does. A normal person.
Just.
Like.
Everybody.
Else.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
A Lapse in Posting
I haven't posted lately due to being swept away in life at the moment. Working long hours, having a bf, getting annoyed at stuff, cooking a lot of meals and cleaning the shit out of the house. I don't really feel like typing into a computer. Especially since I've been journaling some feelings about sex. Almost every day when I remember to. I'm not sure if it's actually successful, or allowing me to explain to other people properly.
But It's a start. We gotta start somewhere. I put a small vibrator in again. I pushed it in even with resistance. It burned. But it went in. Made me wonder if that was a muscle anymore. Maybe that was something else. Hmm.
My friend blatantly asked me if I lost my virginity yet. That made me mad. Besides being a private matter, I feel like I have long since surpassed some dumb concept of virginity. Becoming a woman. being deflowered. etc...Maybe not in society's eyes. I guess I don't care, but I do care really. I just don't feel like talking about it to people who don't respect my privacy.
But It's a start. We gotta start somewhere. I put a small vibrator in again. I pushed it in even with resistance. It burned. But it went in. Made me wonder if that was a muscle anymore. Maybe that was something else. Hmm.
My friend blatantly asked me if I lost my virginity yet. That made me mad. Besides being a private matter, I feel like I have long since surpassed some dumb concept of virginity. Becoming a woman. being deflowered. etc...Maybe not in society's eyes. I guess I don't care, but I do care really. I just don't feel like talking about it to people who don't respect my privacy.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
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