A long overdue post

Haven't posted in awhile. I didn't feel like typing anything for awhile. Work schedule completely flip flopped. Hard to believe we are five months into 2013. Nothing but insanity since then. I love my life, even when it's annoying. I have so much to be thankful for.

Still hanging with maybe boyfriend. Things seem quite good, even in their weirdness. I guess the problem being that my ex has completely infiltrated all aspects of my life. (The places I hang out and the people I would hang out) so its not like I can bring this new guy around. So I've compensated by just not going out much at the moment. Which doesn't seem like the greatest idea. But i've been tired and irritable anyways so I guess I haven't really wanted to hang out anyways.

So even in these two paragraphs my mood and outlook seem to oscillate rapidly. I've been wishing I was still in college so I could hit up the counseling office. I think that would really help. Oh well, I have to take the good with the bad....

Relationships

I want to be in a relationship. I'm also terrified to be in a relationship. But I want one anyways. I may not be myself lately, but I so badly want to be. I want good things. I want a good life. I want to love and be loved.

Privacy

This is a private blog for obvious reasons. Like how much I talk about private things and private parts. There are no names, places and events are meant to be vague. And most importantly, no person in my real life knows this URL. It's supposed to be like that.

What I wanted is to be able to express my thoughts without fear of people being offended or embarrassed, myself included. However, I place it in a public sphere because I want other people in the world to be able to read it. To read another person thoughts and realize that you are not alone is extremely comforting at times. To have the love and support of an anonymous is always comforting. And sometimes, the opportunity to have thoughts and opinions without them being assigned to you The Person, but rather you UntrustUs, some asshole on the internet who makes words.

And I want people to read in take comfort or interest in the words of UntrustUs, and not in My Real Identity. Because it's easier that way.

Which is why I found it so unsettling to find that Google has been linking my accounts with other easily identifiable accounts. Accounts that have my full name on them and such. It's slightly terrifying. I don't know why google is so adamant on the concept that we should be completely accountable for all our words all the time. Surprisingly, I don't want my post about buttsex to show up on my google+ news feed for all my friends and old professors to see. Imagine that!

Oh well, in the end. Words are words. I will continue to write them, just like I hope people continue to read them.

Biting Remarks

I have little patience for people who choose to repeatedly express thoughts they haven't clearly articulated. Use your damn brain and shut up. Don't fuck with people's heads. It seems like a given to me, but dating has told me that this is not a given to people. People think they can say whatever they want and then be able to retract with a magical apology later, which has the power to make words never have been said. No, that's just not true. Things you say should be indicative of the things you actually genuinely feel. And if they aren't, you are doing something wrong.

Own up to your own god damn feelings already.

Maybe Boyfriend?

I watched a movie with the nice guy I have a crush on the other day. And I so badly messed up the last time we watched a movie together that I figured the same thing would happen. But surprisingly enough, the progression of us sitting together to us making out, to getting naked together, was almost completely seamless. And wordless for that matter. I wasn't shaking like I normally am when hooking up for the first time (or honestly more times than the first time, I'm generally always shaking during any kind of sex). It was so sweet and nice, no pressure for anything, just some touching in the dark. We were talking all cutesy to each other already. And then some sleep cuddling. And then I was just so comfortable I didn't want to get out of bed.

I'm so confused, because after losing two family members in one week, I was starting to worry if I was capable of any feelings at all. This month has just been such a nightmare that I just wanted something nice to happen. So I guess I just don't really know how to react. Are we dating now? Cause i mean we've technically been dating all this time then, since we go out to dinner and whatnot. Does it count as dating now that we've seen each other naked?

At any rate...who cares. I just need something to take the edge off. Hopefully this is it. I'm apprehensive since it has been exactly a year since I've been in something formally known as a relationship. So I'm trying to be a little standoffish in order to avoid a feelings explosion of some sort.

Anal?

I really would like someone to come in my ass. My curiosity has been peaked and I really want to know how it feels. Just had casual sex with someone (the person from the third paragraph in the last post) and it involved a lot of ass play. Look at how far I've come. And my body cooperated. It did the things I wanted it to do. And that shit felt good. Maybe it will happen some time soon. Who knows really. I like the thought of having a more experienced partner that can help me figure things out. Without there being some sort of inherent power dynamic. A safe space for exploration.

I really just like physical contact. And I'm sure Im about to get myself into some sticky situation. My life is stressful and I need a release. And the amount of shits I give is becoming less and less.

Crushes

So I saw the guy I had been crushing on,whom I had spent several nights with. I don't have feelings for him anymore ever since he started acting real weird. But damn he is so sexy. I feel glad to have had someone so fine burying their face in my crotch. It's too bad I can't have real sex, that would have been so fucking hot. Ah well--it was a good experience.

I do have a new crush. He is a friend I've had for awhile. He is super super nice and hanging out with him makes me very happy. However he is so nice and shy that I have absolutely no idea how to even initiate anything sexual. But the probability seems good that he feels the same way about me. So I guess I can weather some incredibly awkward couch cuddling or something until I gain the confidence to make the moves.

And also, confusingly enough, there is a friend of mine who has been increasingly pushing the boundaries as of late. He is significantly older than me (As in, older than the older guy I was previously messing with). He seems like he has low self esteem, so I've tried to be nice about it. But that seems to have just gotten me into a messier situation. I sheepishly confess to enjoying the flattery. But I really shouldn't fan the flames. I don't know if a little bit of sexy time is worth the headache of the aftermath.