A Fine Line

There's a fine line between virgin and not virgin. Actually, there's no line between virgin and not virgin. Why? Because virginity the concept can be extended to anything. In practice, people seem to hold a lot of worth around penis in vagina = pure. But what about all the exceptions? What about a person who still has tons of anal? Tons of oral? Jerks off in front of a camera? Grinds naked on other people? Is a lesbian? Do you still consider these people virgins? I sure as hell wouldn't, because what really changes after piv sex that doesn't change after these kinds of sex? Except for the fear of pregnancy. In a strong, loving relationship, what really changes from fingers in vagina, mutual jerking off, to piv sex?

I think people are expecting this huge change in their perspective and who they are. But really,this is just like anything else. Its awkward at first, you learn to do it, it feels good, you do it some more. Call me crazy, but I don't see this being that much more different. That said, I would really like to get to that point of course, but I don't see it making me a 'more complete person' although it might help alleviate a lot of sexual tension and further the orgasm seeking cause. And that I can get behind. Or in front of. Or reverse cowgirl, what have you.

People

It frightens me that there are people out there who able to cause so much pain. People who masquerade themselves as nice, normal human beings. But they are hollow. They are full of nothing but bitter acid. They don't understand, and they don't try to understand. They are simple hedonists floating on the surface, doing what they want from second to second that feels good, never thinking of the consequences. They never really take in anything. They only are. And they hurt. And they hurt. And they never, ever learn.

And those people scare me more than anything.

Some Fighting Words For the Records

I have no room in my life for people who insult me. If you don't like who I am and what I believe in, why are you even hanging out with me? What do you stand to gain from this 'friendship'? All you do is put me down, accuse me of things, cut me off.

You are an asshole plain and simple, and I don't want to talk to you anymore. So get the fuck out of my way. You're a little weirdo with an ego problem. You need to grow the fuck up and learn how to apologize. "I'm sorry you are offended" is the most offensive cop-out excuse for an apology. Honestly, what is wrong with you?

I think you get some sort of sick pleasure out of this, but the truth is. You are wrong. You don't know anything about me. Because you weren't listening ever. You think I'm weak. You think that there's something wrong with the way I am. But here's the kicker. I love who I am. I love that I'm self depreciating, cynical, honest. I like the way I see the world. I like being an atheist, I like that I'm scared of things, that I can be lazy and loud. Because that is what I am. And I love my self and my condition for better or worse. I am not something to be overcome. I am what I am on good days and bad days. And you wont understand that, because you're an insensitive prick.

I think I've been more than generous throughout this, but I don't have any desire to be your friend. I want you out of my life.

(Look, I don't know where you got this idea that being friends with someone involves insulting, correcting and accusing them of lying constantly. But it's fucking shitty and I am not amused. Respond how you will, but I gave you a chance to see how you would act in person, and I have never felt so insulted in my life. I don't know what your problem is, but it is clear to me that you don't understand how to be considerate of other people's feeling and be mature about it. So consider this my resignation to this friendship. I will still be civil to you, but I'm not willfully subjecting myself to anymore of this hurtful behavior.)

Progress?

I haven't done my physical exercises in awhile, but my mental exercises are through the roof. I feel a great shift in my thoughts and urges. So let's just hope my body is willing to cooperate.

Never Enough

Whatever I do is never good enough. I'm not trying hard enough, always behind the curve. I'm selling myself short, I'm not growing, my attitude is bad, I'm the reason that bad things happen to me...yada yada.

Well you know what?

You don't get to pass judgement. You, who stands atop of your cushy pedestal. You don't ever have to take your own advice. You can just look down on me, flapping your lips and proving about what you know about the world. But you don't know. Because you don't live in that world. You live in your comfortable, normal world, where you are blind to suffering.

You don't get that right. Nobody does.

I have to work really fucking hard sometimes, just to do a half ass job of living my life. Something you will never understand, you neurologically typical person you. There's no crippling depression, hours sucked into the void of compulsions, bouts of panic and paranoia, hysteria, stomach pain that keeps you on the toilet much longer than you need to because you were nervous about something stupid. Invasive thoughts that keep you from enjoying life, scabs and scars, picking and picking and plucking and bleeding. The tape loop, over and over. The numbness, the anger. The inexplicable things.

I'd like to see you sit in front of a mirror with your legs spread, trying to put a single finger in your own vagina, but failing. Failing at touching your OWN body. How humiliating it is, to be an enemy of yourself. How vulnerable it feels. How disgusting and degrading the assumptions are of my character. How stupid you feel when you fail that simple task. How alone you feel when no one else understands your pain. How scared you feel when you posture that you might be stuck like this forever. Only half useful.

So fuck you dude, just fuck you.

Something that really bothers me

I really don't like it when guys make jokes about not pulling out during sex. It makes me feel immediately uncomfortable, and it happens a lot more than you might think. As a woman that is like the scariest, rapiest remark you could make about something that started off as consensual. I never would consent to sex with a person that I thought would impregnate me, willingly or otherwise.

I don't ever want to be pregnant. Ever. I never want to formulate another human being and push it out into the world. In fact, I've come to the depressing conclusion that if the world ever found itself in some abortion lockdown and I would be forced to deliver a baby, that I would actually off myself first. I don't ever want to be responsible for bringing another human into the world, even if it meant taking myself out.

I know this sounds really extreme, and of course I might not feel the same way if I was in that situation, but currently, that is how I feel. No babies. So obviously, pull out jokes scare the shit out of me. And guys, you never have to deal with a pregnancy scare. But oh! Child support! crazy lady hormones! Crying Babies! Yep...not the same. 

My body is mine and mine only. And I hate having to feel like a killjoy for being offended by what was supposed to be a lighthearted remark. But it's not for me, that is a loaded gun right there. 

Shut Up

No, you don't get to say what's right and what's wrong.

You don't get to say how I feel. 

Because you don't have that kind of control over me, you lost that. And now for some reason you think you can pop back in my life to nitpick again. What are you trying to accomplish here really? Why must you repeatedly make assumptions about me and my life?

You have put me in this box, and this box is labeled WRONG. Everything I do always fits in this box. Because it needs to be this way for you. Because if I'm out of this box its challenging you somehow, its getting in the way of your perceptions. It's scaring you. And you don't like to be scared. You want to be tough and right and made of stone. So you must put others down, especially the ones who seem weaker than you. Those who seem complacent and full of love and trust. They lay it all out for you, but you aren't listening. Because you are busy packing their words into the box.

Well, I have news for you. I LIKE the way I am. The regular me. The chemically right me, and the chemically wrong me at times. I like being pessimistic, self denigrating, depraved, cynical. I see the world exactly the way I need to see it. I like that even though I seem set in my ways, I can always take a step back and look at the big picture. I like that I'm easy for most people to talk to, honest and open, not taking myself too seriously, able to laugh at shitty things that happen to me, introspective.

I have many faults, but these are mine and my own to fix as I see fit. And I'm constantly growing and maturing and learning and being in so many ways that you'll just never understand because you are busy just filling your cardboard box of assumptions.