2016 New Years Resolutions

Okay, we are back in the swing of things this time:

Run once a week (as promised with a friend)

Healthy eating habits (gain 5 pounds back)

Pass candidacy

Talk more to my long distance friends

Pay credit card bill

go on vacation somewhere

Strive to be a more positive proactive person, eliminate suicidal ideation, reduce focus on negative thoughts

Pass Prospectus

Continue to polish personal sense of style

Move into a slightly bigger place

Oh what a tangled web we Weave

Well since that July post many things happened:

I had a complete breakdown and was holding myself hostage.

My shitty therapist finally took my threats to hurt myself seriously and I started medication

Changed doses when the feelings came back

Fire shitty therapist and got new one

Feeling much better

School is hard

My parents are getting a divorce and love is dead or something

And yet, I feel love again. So it's complicated

Sometimes things get complicated

Everyone and Everything is Awful

See title.

Kiss my ass.

Going to the GYNO on Monday

Gonna have my first pap smear on Monday. Its pretty overdue so I hope everything turns out okay. The appointment lady on the phone was really weird and was like OMG YOU NEVER HAD A PAP SMEAR BEFORE. I wanted to be like...dude my vagina was a brick wall for the first 23 years of my life. I've tried at least 3 times to get a pap without success. I think I can do it this time. Looking forward to facing off on what is more or less the final 'vagina frontier' in my training. I haven't done any practice for it. But if I'm lucky I might have some sex this weekend. And that's kinda like a dilator right? A fun sexy dilator with a person attached...but still. Its gotta count for something.

Sad and Wrong Long Overdue

You are special. You are kind, you are beautiful, you are smart. You are everything a man should be.

I am a weak, I have failed you. I was wrong. I messed up.

I should have been enough for you, enough for us. I refused to be that person.

I wanted to hurt. I wanted to bring pain because others have brought me pain. I was frustrated. I was at the end of my rope. I thought that made it okay. I tossed you out. I was determined to make a stand.

Because I felt alone, misunderstood, not listened to.

Now I'm still alone, But I can feel again. And I can feel pain in my heart. You beautiful fragile soul, You who have blindly loved me when I thought no one else would. In ways that no one else ever could.

Maybe it was all a farce, but I'm cold and alone and it sounds so good from here. Lie to me. Say it again. Fuck me like you love me. Even when you hate me.

I couldn't see it. I was a fool. I couldn't see. I was blind.

I'm Horny and That Makes me Feel Ashamed

It's weird, sometimes I go back in progress and it's hard to tell why. Sometimes I feel really ashamed about my sexuality. I look back on times I was sexual and feel ashamed and weird about it. Like, Wow, I can't believe I said or did that. It makes it hard to advocate for my needs. And when you can't advocate your needs its hard for people to meet them. And when people don't meet your needs it can feel angering and isolating and then you don't want to interact with them anymore. When you can't interact with people it feels lonely and it becomes hard to trust people. And then its just a big downward spiral from there.

I crave human touch and that makes me embarrassed sometimes. I wish I was a robot. Feelings make a person weak. Or so I tell myself sometimes. But the truth is. I want to fuck and touch and be messy with someone. I want to speak the unspeakable, feel the unfathomable, and shout in ecstasy until I can't remember a world without stress and pain.

Because if I can't do that, then why do anything? Its a utterly natural set of urges, I need to tell myself.

Back in August I made a weird goal for myself

I did not even come close to that goal. I still have not commented on a web forum and I still do way too much lurking. Still angry and isolated. But I guess it's okay. I'm still breathing.

Grad School is Hard.

I need to Fire my therapist

My therapist sucks a lot, and I need to fire him. But I feel bad doing it. Like he's my friend or something. He's not a bad person, but he sucks as a therapist. Gives bad advice, has bad posture that makes his whole attitude feel apathetic and lazy. Our sessions are never guided. He doesn't remember the stuff I say or take notes. I never have assignments. He only nitpicks things that are barely important to me. And glosses over the stuff that is. We meet 40 minutes every two weeks and its never enough time. He's always late. I don't look forward to it. I don't feel that its helped me in any way.


I don't know why I thought this was a hard choice to make. It's clearly not

Memory Loss

Life comes and goes but there will always be memories, or so a saying goes something like this.

But what about when there is no memories? What happens to ourselves when we start to lose our memories? What becomes of our lives and who are we really? How do you maintain an identity when you're rapidly losing the building blocks of your life history? How do you preserve yourself?

I don't know, and I don't have any answers yet. I was reading the transcript of an interview with people suffering from Alzheimer's and it filled my head with so many questions. I don't know yet, I wish there was more information in the interview. It's still really hard to read stuff involving memory loss and slow descent dementia type things. It still feels very fresh. If I had tears, I would be crying them. But the well is still stubbornly dry.

I don't know when exactly I Maxed Out. But I have. I'm emotionally at my maximum capacity. I don't want to make any investments and yet I lament feelings isolated from everyone. I feel stagnant in an unchanging world. I want to help people and I want them to do things for me.

I want people to do things for me.

Maybe it sounds selfish. But I want a homemade dinner or a gift. Anything. I feel alone and I know I'm to blame.

UTI

Progress log


I am now a real vagina possessor. Having been treated for BV a yeast infection and now a UTI since I started having sex.


WOO. I'm normal. Stupid fucking normal. I pissed blood. That sucks


At least I know I made progress. Gotta take the good with the bad.

shut up

Im a dead robot and I dont care anymore. I have no feelings

Why doesnt anybody take me seriously?

stop talking to me dumb fucking people

Go fuck yourselves

I dont even have a reason, just fuck off because i said so

Hark! I Have Returned to the Internet

I haven't posted because I have barely had any feelings, and now I'm barely awake so this post wont make sense

Except for horny, if that an emotion. Very horny.

I reached out and reconnected with a ton of people lately. It was probably an awful life choice. I reconnected with all my exes. It was interesting.

Two months ago, I joined tinder and met a guy. He asked me to rim him. I did. It was very nice. But everything else about it was kinda meh.

Then I met another guy. Really liked him. He invited me back to his place. I said yes. He freaks out and says he can't have sex on the first date and then I got really excited when he rubbed my jeans and had a huge orgasm and was embarrassed. Then he unmatched and stopped talking to me. Oops.

I told my ex fiance I still loved him but I don't think I really want to date him again. We had sex. But then he hasn't changed at all. He still has a girlfriend but they are open. I think that's fucking stupid and I'm pretty turned off from him. I kind of don't want to date him again right now.

I went on a date tonight and the guy was really sweet. I liked talking to him. I had a cold but he still went out with me. We went back to his place to talk, and we did for awhile. Then before I knew it we were naked. It was rather nice though. We managed not to have sex. I guess we are saving that for the second date. God dammit. Ill probably start dating him...I suck at having casual sex apparently. He was really nice. His body is disturbingly similar to my last boyfriends though. Its really uncanny.

I reconnected with my old best friend who apparently has vaginismus now. I didn't really want to tell her about my virginity losing, but I think she needed my help. So I did. I overcame my problem. I poured my blood sweat and tears into fixing my body so I could enjoy my life. And it was hard as fuck and I thought it was impossible. But I did it. And each time I do it I like it more. And I'm less scared.

Thus concludes my sexual escapes for the past three months.

Sigh

I broke up with boyfriend last week. I feel bad. I couldn't do it anymore. I just feel too bad and like I'm not the person I want to be. He was a sweet person but I think he was a little delusional on what is expected of a relationship and how things need to be. But ultimately I chose to shoulder the blame and opt out of the relationship. I just feel like I'm too callous and selfish feeling to want to put anybody else through that. I'm horny and angry. Not the best combo. Still processing in my free moments and trying to figure out what I feel. Lonely, but a little relieved I don't have to think about people's feelings and everlasting love and shit like that.

Still have not been to my therapy appointment yet. On Thursday. They had better have a lot to say , I have been waiting a very long time.

I Drank a Coffee and Now I Feel Like I'm On Fire

I don't understand. I don't understand what's happening. I don't understand why I can't sympathize anymore. I am angry and I don't want to be touched. I don't care anymore. I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen. I don't want to be the bad guy. I'm tired of taking the fall. I'm tired of being involved. I'm tired.

I Have a Bad Feeling

I'm tired still, but I feel marginally better than I did about a week ago. I confided my feelings to my best friend and told her how I had been feeling for awhile. I told her that I resented everyone for no particular reason, that I often fantasized about harming myself or slapping people. That sometimes it felt like my skin was on fire because of how angry and annoying and unstimulated I felt. That I didn't want to feel that way anymore.

Then I felt a lot better. Just saying that out loud made me feel better. Then we made a deal to talk to therapists. She went to hers already, mine is next week. I hope it goes alright. It took them three weeks to get me an appointment which is absurd! But I guess we will see how it goes...

BLaaah

School is hard. I'm tired. Remember when I used to be a productive and creative person. Engaging and friendly at times? That was cool. Or maybe I never was like that. Maybe I just thought I was really creative and productive when in reality I was a regular slacker. And now that my priorities have changed it just feels like I have lost something.

But Idk, sometimes I feel like I have lost something. Like something broke me. Lots of bad things have happened before, but last year broke me. That part of me that was endlessly giving and patient withered and died. It was ground up and spit back out again. That's how I feel sometimes. I feel scared I'll feel weird and resentful and lonely and isolated forever and I'll never get back again. Back to normal, back to me.

I had all these goals, I accomplished them, but I climbed that mountain only to realize that I was alone at the top. Nobody was there to celebrate that climb with me. Those people left on their own, some of them were left behind on purpose, some of them I pushed back down. And now, on the mountaintop of success, I realize that I must climb back down into the valley again. To swallow one's pride and lower back onto the level where everyone else. Because they all climbed that mountain and realized they had to come back down again. And it's not easy.

He Said

He said to me, "You are so kind. You give so much of yourself to others that I would like to give myself fully to you."

He said "I am proud of you, you are smart, you are beautiful, you are just what I need."

He said "You are never alone."

I cried because I was scared. Scared because loneliness is the easy path. To give myself fully is hard. It requires the abilities to scrape together the junk that used to be a loving human being into a functioning human being. And to hope they won't be able to tell the difference. And then maybe one day I'll be a loving human being again.

I don't know.

I'm scared.

Blah Blah Blah

Nobody reads this so I guess I'm writing to myself.

Hey self,

I know you feel bad, but remember when you felt like this in the past? Remember how things felt like they weren't going to get any better? And they did, didn't they? They got better even if it was just for a little while, they improved. Remember how good that felt? It felt pretty good. So try to strive for that again. Remember when people liked you? They did. Lots of people did. You had good qualities. Have those qualities again, have different cool qualities again. People will like you again. It's okay. You can be mad for a little while. But then it's time to grow up. The world is not out to get you. It's okay to be irrelevant. Everything is irrelevant. Stop wallowing.

-Self

Fast Approaching The Second Birthday Without My Grandfather

Both mine and his. Happy Birthday Grandpa. Love you.


Happy Birthday Me. Do better. You can do better.

I Have A Weird Goal For Myself

I spend an embarrassing amount of hours lurking on forums and comment sections of all kinds. Blogs, news, facebook threads, etc. I have virtually never commented on anything but yet I sit there becoming incensed by people's opinion and having all kinds of intense emotional experiences, crying, laughing, talking to myself. And I'm typing this out because it sounds fucking insane. Because why? I'm increasingly becoming a more stubborn and withdrawn and I don't enjoy it. I'd like to treat myself the way I'd treat others, that their opinions, feelings, personal anecdotes are valuable. I don't mean that I want to spend hours online arguing with others, but why can't I chime in to say "Oh yeah, me too, I feel that opinion too." People used to like hearing me talk, they often value my opinions, so why would that be any different on the internet?

I was a person too once! Before I became completely abstracted in my own over-hyped sense of self. I have bad days too. Sometimes I get mad without reason. I have likes and dislikes, sometimes I like to be in silence. But if I really wanted to be alone, then why am I spending so many hours pretending I'm a part of a fake discussion? Seems awfully suspect.

So therefore, I'd like to cut down my time lurking on forums, and/or start contributing my own content on things. If I don't have the nerve to go commenting, then I should stop lurking entirely. At least that's what I'm thinking right now. It's a hard habit to break actually. They are a source of comfort for me, even if it's a completely fake one.