Just About the Only Way I Would Feel Better Right Now is if I Was Lying in a Bathub of Cold Water While a Single Drop of Water Drips Onto My Forehead.

Nope, still not feeling any better today.

I feel angry.

I feel like I was played. I was vulnerable. I was stupid and optimistic and hopeful. I thought that things would change. Things never change, things are always going to stay the same. I thought that maybe, maybe you would like me. That you would be the one to accept me, that we could be happy. I could happy.  I had my doubts, I knew about her, but I thought that that would never go anywhere. I was sure that I was the better choice. I was sure of it.

But of course, I know how stupid I was. I should have known. After all, why would anyone like me by choice? I am stupid, ugly and broken. I will never be normal. I was just a fallback. I was just a boost to your self-esteem. Something to be used as comfort. I was never a real option. I was never a real consideration. I am nothing. I am a 'good friend'.

I don't have feelings. I'm too cool for feelings. I don't care about valentine's day, cause I'm just a friend. I should have known. My tears will go unnoticed. I am just a friend. Friends don't cry about these things. I already knew how this would end. After all, it's just me. Why would I think I have a chance? Why would I think anyone would want me?

I am stupid and I deserve this. I let this happen. I knew how it would end. So know I should suffer. I deserve it. I deserve the pain. Just like I did before. I do now.

I LOATHE myself right now. Why now? Why did you have to do it then? What about my feelings?

Happy FUCKIN valentine's day!

I wish you could have given me one more day. One more day in which I could sleep peacefully with the delusional promise that someone might actually like me despite what I am.

I don't understand why my feelings don't matter, why am I just collateral?

I LOVE love

I refuse to lose faith in love. Love, is a beautiful thing. I believe that the meaning of life lies in love. And by that I mean not to say that one must always be dating someone, but that the meaning of life is love between many peoples. Between friends and coworkers and family. The people whom support you, who you support in return.

But love between two people is a supplementary thing, an awesome cherry on top of life. That kind of love is the kind of love I strive to define. An irrational thing, explained in rational words. I think that love is something that is defined by its ability to permeate all emotions. Love makes the highs high and the lows low. Love in its strongest forms continues to exist even after chemistry is lost. It allows people to feel a greater depth of emotion. It teaches us to swallow the childish emotions we often feel, it teaches us to turn the other cheek, be the bigger person, to learn and accept the differences that makes us who we are.

Love is the feeling you get when you see that person smiling, the pain in your chest when you see that person sad. Love is those late nights spent holding each other in the dark as you drift off to sleep. The starry skies laid under while you ponder the meaning of life. The shooting stars, the long drives spent holding hands, the endless teaching and learning experiences, the sand between your toes and the intermittent tides. Those stupid ideas where you walk too far and have to call for a ride, the times spent eating pizza and watching star wars, the knock on the window at three in the morning, the sleeve to wipe your tears on.

It's the little things that remain when everything else is gone, its those little memories that make you smile or shed a tear as you go throughout the day. And that is what I live for.

I just want to experience the realness of my feelings

I want to feel the sun on my face

I want to feel the warmth of another person

I want to eat home cooked meals

I want to blow bubbles

I want to make art

I want to sleep out on a sun-porch in summer and lay in front of the fireplace in winter

I want to lay out and watch the stars

I want to smell the flowers

I want to play in the rain

I want to live, to love, to feel, to be.