Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Hark! I Have Returned to the Internet

I haven't posted because I have barely had any feelings, and now I'm barely awake so this post wont make sense

Except for horny, if that an emotion. Very horny.

I reached out and reconnected with a ton of people lately. It was probably an awful life choice. I reconnected with all my exes. It was interesting.

Two months ago, I joined tinder and met a guy. He asked me to rim him. I did. It was very nice. But everything else about it was kinda meh.

Then I met another guy. Really liked him. He invited me back to his place. I said yes. He freaks out and says he can't have sex on the first date and then I got really excited when he rubbed my jeans and had a huge orgasm and was embarrassed. Then he unmatched and stopped talking to me. Oops.

I told my ex fiance I still loved him but I don't think I really want to date him again. We had sex. But then he hasn't changed at all. He still has a girlfriend but they are open. I think that's fucking stupid and I'm pretty turned off from him. I kind of don't want to date him again right now.

I went on a date tonight and the guy was really sweet. I liked talking to him. I had a cold but he still went out with me. We went back to his place to talk, and we did for awhile. Then before I knew it we were naked. It was rather nice though. We managed not to have sex. I guess we are saving that for the second date. God dammit. Ill probably start dating him...I suck at having casual sex apparently. He was really nice. His body is disturbingly similar to my last boyfriends though. Its really uncanny.

I reconnected with my old best friend who apparently has vaginismus now. I didn't really want to tell her about my virginity losing, but I think she needed my help. So I did. I overcame my problem. I poured my blood sweat and tears into fixing my body so I could enjoy my life. And it was hard as fuck and I thought it was impossible. But I did it. And each time I do it I like it more. And I'm less scared.

Thus concludes my sexual escapes for the past three months.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Sigh

I broke up with boyfriend last week. I feel bad. I couldn't do it anymore. I just feel too bad and like I'm not the person I want to be. He was a sweet person but I think he was a little delusional on what is expected of a relationship and how things need to be. But ultimately I chose to shoulder the blame and opt out of the relationship. I just feel like I'm too callous and selfish feeling to want to put anybody else through that. I'm horny and angry. Not the best combo. Still processing in my free moments and trying to figure out what I feel. Lonely, but a little relieved I don't have to think about people's feelings and everlasting love and shit like that.

Still have not been to my therapy appointment yet. On Thursday. They had better have a lot to say , I have been waiting a very long time.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

I Drank a Coffee and Now I Feel Like I'm On Fire

I don't understand. I don't understand what's happening. I don't understand why I can't sympathize anymore. I am angry and I don't want to be touched. I don't care anymore. I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen. I don't want to be the bad guy. I'm tired of taking the fall. I'm tired of being involved. I'm tired.

Friday, October 10, 2014

I Have a Bad Feeling

I'm tired still, but I feel marginally better than I did about a week ago. I confided my feelings to my best friend and told her how I had been feeling for awhile. I told her that I resented everyone for no particular reason, that I often fantasized about harming myself or slapping people. That sometimes it felt like my skin was on fire because of how angry and annoying and unstimulated I felt. That I didn't want to feel that way anymore.

Then I felt a lot better. Just saying that out loud made me feel better. Then we made a deal to talk to therapists. She went to hers already, mine is next week. I hope it goes alright. It took them three weeks to get me an appointment which is absurd! But I guess we will see how it goes...

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

BLaaah

School is hard. I'm tired. Remember when I used to be a productive and creative person. Engaging and friendly at times? That was cool. Or maybe I never was like that. Maybe I just thought I was really creative and productive when in reality I was a regular slacker. And now that my priorities have changed it just feels like I have lost something.

But Idk, sometimes I feel like I have lost something. Like something broke me. Lots of bad things have happened before, but last year broke me. That part of me that was endlessly giving and patient withered and died. It was ground up and spit back out again. That's how I feel sometimes. I feel scared I'll feel weird and resentful and lonely and isolated forever and I'll never get back again. Back to normal, back to me.

I had all these goals, I accomplished them, but I climbed that mountain only to realize that I was alone at the top. Nobody was there to celebrate that climb with me. Those people left on their own, some of them were left behind on purpose, some of them I pushed back down. And now, on the mountaintop of success, I realize that I must climb back down into the valley again. To swallow one's pride and lower back onto the level where everyone else. Because they all climbed that mountain and realized they had to come back down again. And it's not easy.


Sunday, September 14, 2014

He Said

He said to me, "You are so kind. You give so much of yourself to others that I would like to give myself fully to you."

He said "I am proud of you, you are smart, you are beautiful, you are just what I need."

He said "You are never alone."

I cried because I was scared. Scared because loneliness is the easy path. To give myself fully is hard. It requires the abilities to scrape together the junk that used to be a loving human being into a functioning human being. And to hope they won't be able to tell the difference. And then maybe one day I'll be a loving human being again.

I don't know.

I'm scared.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Blah Blah Blah

Nobody reads this so I guess I'm writing to myself.

Hey self,

I know you feel bad, but remember when you felt like this in the past? Remember how things felt like they weren't going to get any better? And they did, didn't they? They got better even if it was just for a little while, they improved. Remember how good that felt? It felt pretty good. So try to strive for that again. Remember when people liked you? They did. Lots of people did. You had good qualities. Have those qualities again, have different cool qualities again. People will like you again. It's okay. You can be mad for a little while. But then it's time to grow up. The world is not out to get you. It's okay to be irrelevant. Everything is irrelevant. Stop wallowing.

-Self

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Fast Approaching The Second Birthday Without My Grandfather

Both mine and his. Happy Birthday Grandpa. Love you.


Happy Birthday Me. Do better. You can do better.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

I Have A Weird Goal For Myself

I spend an embarrassing amount of hours lurking on forums and comment sections of all kinds. Blogs, news, facebook threads, etc. I have virtually never commented on anything but yet I sit there becoming incensed by people's opinion and having all kinds of intense emotional experiences, crying, laughing, talking to myself. And I'm typing this out because it sounds fucking insane. Because why? I'm increasingly becoming a more stubborn and withdrawn and I don't enjoy it. I'd like to treat myself the way I'd treat others, that their opinions, feelings, personal anecdotes are valuable. I don't mean that I want to spend hours online arguing with others, but why can't I chime in to say "Oh yeah, me too, I feel that opinion too." People used to like hearing me talk, they often value my opinions, so why would that be any different on the internet?

I was a person too once! Before I became completely abstracted in my own over-hyped sense of self. I have bad days too. Sometimes I get mad without reason. I have likes and dislikes, sometimes I like to be in silence. But if I really wanted to be alone, then why am I spending so many hours pretending I'm a part of a fake discussion? Seems awfully suspect.

So therefore, I'd like to cut down my time lurking on forums, and/or start contributing my own content on things. If I don't have the nerve to go commenting, then I should stop lurking entirely. At least that's what I'm thinking right now. It's a hard habit to break actually. They are a source of comfort for me, even if it's a completely fake one.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

An Ode To Period Sex

Period sex.

What's the first thing it conjures up? Dirty, gross, painful, embarrassing even. A lot of hangups that are arguably pretty common. I mean hell, these are pretty widespread feelings about non period sex. Depressing as it sounds. Articles on the internet give a lot of tips, google search results brings a lot of hits, blog posts are written, internet arguments abound. It's a hot topic to some.

But for others, it's not so much an issue. For most women, every month for several days (A week even!), blood comes out of her vagina. It's a good thing, it means no babies, healthy uterus, appropriate weight etc. It also means shes a women. And when you possess a uterus, blood comes out of it (of course, you don't have to be a woman to have a uterus, but perhaps a large majority of uterus holders identify as women) and for all intents and purposes, blood from the uterus is safe for those who are std free. It can be ingested without ill effects, it has no smell (the odors are from the oxygen and bacteria reaction that occurs when the blood hits the air, or cotton pads/tampons/underwear), in fact, it really doesn't even taste that offensive. It's just another thing that comes out of you.

There's plenty of benefits too: Orgasms decrease cramps, can speed up the cycle (contractions can force blood out), can act as good lubricant, lower chance of pregnancy, more days of the month to get freaky, a greater acceptance of your body...

And plus, it feels really awesome. But in a totally different way, like I can't really explain it. It's like, warm and deep feeling. Your cervix sits a little lower so it's very full feeling. You feel a lot more emotional, and raw. It's less emphasis on orgasm and more about fully enveloping the sensations, and getting as close to that person as possible.

And obviously I don't just mean penetrative sex, for which I'm certainly no expert. But I've definitely fooled around on my period back when I was younger. I was embarrassed, but sheer horniness helped me to overcome. Although often it was some over the panties action or on the last few drops of the cycle. Now at this point, I have it on the full days. I've broken all the period rules. Girl on top, heavy flow days, oral sex. it's definitely much different than the other days. But I'm glad I do it. It makes me feel less ashamed of my body, ever so slowly, and that's invaluable to me.

Of course, a nice sexy shower afterwards is a plus. Guys who like period sex are the best. 

Saturday, July 19, 2014

I'm a Sad Person

I just posted an add for friendship on Craigslist. Fuck I'm lonely.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Dry Spell Over

I had issues with penetration again, and I got really scared. It happened a couple times. Things felt dry and tight. I thought I was going back to square one. I couldn't get a finger in again. I felt a ton of anxiety about it.

But then my sweet boyfriend and I worked through it again, and had some amazing sex. Amazing. Missionary still provokes way too much anxiety for me. So we don't do that. But we still get pretty far, and do it pretty hard, and no pain!

Summary: Had issues, but then everything is back to normal. The secret is lots of foreplay, go slowly, sometimes laying completely still and getting your body to adjust, communication, cuddling (before during and after) and then some all out fucking! Then don't overdo it.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Angry Post

I ran into my two serious exes the other day, as well as this guy I messed around with a few times. It was really stressful. They all looked really attractive, but they were sad pathetic people. It made me very angry. How dare you sound so pathetic, when you have so fucking much. How dare you look at me like that! You could have had it, but you didn't want it. You couldn't give me the support I need, you didn't want to commit, you couldn't be loyal or faithful or honest. Don't you fucking dare look at me like that. I withdrew from the community so I could have my space, whereas you all could have flourished. But you didn't. You sat around feeling sorry for yourself and then got all excited when you saw me coming back giving me the fuck me eyes and smiling all sweetly. Fuck off. So you know what? I'm going out again, and I'm going to look as good as I can and sound as good as I can and you can all kiss my round ass as I walk out the door.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

I had the most amazing experience

I had seriously the most amazing sex ever last night. For many hours. We tried literally everything there is to try. And it all felt AMAZING. All of it. I feel like a warm fuzzy blanket of love and sexual energy. I'm realizing things I find interesting, letting my guard down, being a human being again. And he's is absolutely loving all of it. So he whispered in my ear for what felt like an eternity last night.

To say that I had good sex doesn't even begin to describe what happened to me last night. Waking up at the crack of dawn, fucking again, and realizing it was time to go to work. I walked outside to hear the otherworldly sounds of a bunch of Blue jays and Crows circling overhead. And I wondered whether I was dreaming-- floating along in a sea of perfect experiences, boundary pushing, barrier breaking, raw, passionate love.

Now I can't stop smiling.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Out With The Old

As referenced in the previous posts. All my exes left shit at my house and it made me sad. That stuff is gone now. It's time to rebuild. And I feel good, and tranquil and free of angst. I don't hate them. I love them, but in that abstract way. Where I want to help them in a genuine and good hearted manner. Not for dating or sex. But out of respect for the great partnership we had. We created something amazing, and now it's time to take it down and resurrect a new monument.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Cowgirl, missionary and thoughts of love

I had sex a lot more times now. Embarrassingly enough, I still can't really figure out how to get the penis in me by myself. But my partner is happy to oblige me in the meantime. I still get nervous and tense up. In missionary my arms and legs naturally push up and away. Its like some kind of knee jerk reaction trying to the push the person off of me. It's kind of annoying, but since I clearly want it, it isn't terribly inconvenient to subdue me or ignore it. He always waits very patiently for me to say I'm ready. And I take a deep breath and he encourages me and he slides in very slowly. It feels good but it's still really scary.

I am really just so fucking excited, I barely have any words to describe it. He is too. We are really excited to have sex. To make love. And I feel good because I know I was right in waiting all these years. I worked hard with the dilators, and therapy, and reading books, and doing CBT. And then I found an amazing boyfriend that really helped to push me over that last gate and into the land of sexual freedom. And it's great. We had our first innocent I love yous.

As always, moving forward and to the best self I can be. I am very proud.

More importantly, I can't wait to fuck some more.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Still feeling some feels

I am kind of in shock.



"How do you feel?" He asked. "I don't feel any different." I said. "I know right? I didn't either." He said. It's pretty much just a nice thing to do. Nothing crazy, just a nice thing. To express lust, sexual energy, unite love and attraction. To foster warm and fuzzy feelings in my heart once again. I feel again.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

It's a three letter word that starts with S and ends with X

I am changing the date of this post so that it accurately records the date and time that the following event happened:

I had sex

I thought my heart was gonna explode in my chest I was so scared, but then we tried twice and it went in! And out! And in again. It didn't hurt either. It was just scary. I had worked myself up over it for so long that it just felt like EVERYTHING was at stake. But then I realized that I chose the right partner, and nothing was at stake. He said we could go at whatever pace I wanted. And I believed it. And it was so great! He was so great! We only did it for like a few minutes, but it was definitely in. Like a penis, was it my vagina. MY vagina.

My greatest downfall, my biggest foe, the fear I had of my own body. It is slowly breaking away. I worked very hard for this. I feel I did the right thing waiting as long as I did. I was relieved not to have a moment of  "OH SHIT I couldn't have easily done this all along." I could not have done this all along. I could only do it afters hours of researching, and years of maturing. I feel sad that I had to surrender so much of my life because I wasn't ready, but it had to be that way. I wasn't ready. I knew I wasn't ready.

But now, I'm ready. Not without quirks and bumps along the way, but I'm ready to enter the scary world of pregnancy scares and STDs

Here's a victory here. Didn't think it would ever happen. But it's fucking here. I'm fucking awesome and nothing can stop me.

Monday, April 21, 2014

The past 24 hours sucked balls

I've been involved in this bizarre feud with my ex since last night and it was awful. This is the ex I just wrote about being concerned for his life. Well he contacts me out of the blue and I think we're having a nice reconciliation but really he wants all his stuff back. So I get mad and then he gets mad and its a bunch of dumb bs and I'm getting really tired of this.

I'd really like us to have a friendly relationship. Not Friends, but friendly. But sometimes its hard not to get irrationally mad. I really want to just be left alone. I feel like I've been married and divorced and I hate feeling obligated to somebody when really I'm not. And it makes me want to climb in a whole and never come out because I'm really ready to just let go but It's just SO FUCKING HARD. I want to move on. I want to move on. Let it go. It's dead. You will love again. Let it the fuck go.

I really like my new boyfriend and I don't want to mess this up. So let it all go. Stop hoarding all the old crap you guys have. Give it up.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Depression

Sometimes I cry. I cry for myself, for strangers, for happy things, for sad things, and currently for people suffering from depression. Depression is a horrible illness. It is common, subtle, and stigmatized--it's like a sweet smelling poison. It taints everything that it touches, it puts the blame on yourself, it takes beautiful complex people and reduces them to lifeless husks.

It scares me and I hate it.

If depression were a person, I'd punch them. But depression is a person, it hides in many of the people you love and eats their person-hood from the inside out. And sometimes you can tell its there, and you want to punch it, but you can't cause your friend, lover, family member is in there too. Trapped as an unwilling host, but utterly convinced that they aren't. That they want to be there, they want to feel this way, there is nothing for them. And it simply isn't true.

I am so afraid for my friend's lives, for my life, for my ex-boyfriend's life. I live in fear that he's going to kill himself, so cut off from the world at this point. Utterly hopeless. I'm afraid for him. I'm afraid for me too--because I know that part of me will feel relieved. It makes me feel sick. But he is my first love, and my love is strong. Just because we needed to break up, doesn't mean I want him to have a bad life.

I would have jumped in front of a hundred trains, taken a hundred bullets, walked into the very flames of hell if it could have somehow brought you happiness. But that isn't what you want, you are a passenger to your depression, but that's the way you want it to be. You are an adult, you push me away, you hurt me, because you want to be alone. And I don't have anymore options left.

I was so sick too. I was sick like you. We were hurting each other. Sometimes at night when I go to bed it hurts me to think about never touching your beautiful body again. But then it hurts me to think about actually touching your body again. And I remember that I made the right choice. This was a choice that you and I wanted. That person I want to touch doesn't exist anymore. He has been replaced by an insensitive, alcoholic, asshole. That person is sick and wants to be that way.

I was sick like you. But I worked hard to feel better. I sank down to the bottom. Through diarrhea, vomiting, self-harm, obsessions, debilitating rage and sadness, feeling faint, bad acne, bad living situations. And I worked hard. So that even on bad days I know that there's a way up again. And I just want you to see that. I want you to see that light at the end of the tunnel. Even when our tunnels have long since diverged. Even when we have loved and lived many years out in the space-time continuum. I want to know that you have blossomed into that beautiful person that was always so evident to me. Not the dark passenger everyone else sees. The real you underneath it all.

And since it is impossible for me to know at this point what the future holds, or what you're really thinking anymore, I must let time be the judge. I will use my feelings as the standard while I search for love again. And I don't think it will be long before love finds my heart again.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulder

It feels strange to feel deeply for someone again. I'm incredibly nervous about getting hurt again. But I can't fucking help it, its like water rushing downhill, it can hardly be stopped. To borrow a quote from a good movie, "He is just what a young man ought to be." Smart, good-natured, sympathetic to the struggles of women. And then yesterday I was blown away when he told me that I shouldn't feel so bad about my problem, that it was even a problem, just a natural variant of human sexuality. That I was valuable as a person for me, and not the sexual services I can and can't provide.

I just cried, it felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulder. I have let vaginismus weigh so heavily on my self-worth, maturity, sexuality, relationships, to hear someone who has absolutely nothing to gain by lying about it freely say such a thing....brings tears to my eyes each time I think about it. There were so many times when I thought about ending my life, wishing I was never born, that I would never live a normal life.

And now I can clearly see how wrong I was. I am so happy to be alive, even when its hard. I had such simple goals in my life, that seemed to be hopeless, but hear I am getting ready to achieve all of them. To think my heart would ever truly feel again, even after I have loved so hard and lost even harder, is truly a testament to how strong the human heart is. To love even in spite of pain, to pick yourself up and love again. To be blind and stupid, again and again.


Friday, March 21, 2014

A Post to Bring Us Up To Speed

And so, I'm back to dating again. I survived the one year anniversary of my family members death (although I accidentally drank too much wine and was a scary drunk), I have expressed my feelings more to people, been more social and active, got my life plan together for the next year. Feeling much more positive.

I met a guy on the internet, talked for like 5 months, we liked each other, so we went on some dates. Now we're in a relationship. We're both very shy and nervous. He's very sweet, smells good and his skin is very soft. We like a lot of the same things. I like him very much!

And perhaps even more amazingly, my body LOVES him. My vagina has relaxed so much, I don't even do my exercises lately. He fingers me multiple times in a row and it actually feels good. And the last few times he put two fingers in which has NEVER happened before (I can't even do that). And it was so exciting and I was giggling and he was really happy too. So omgsexmaybesoon? Who even knows, I've reverted to my 'sixteen year old first time being in love' self again and I hope I don't do something stupid to scare him away.

Overall feeling realistic but happy at the same time. Only time will tell what the future will bring to me.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Sometimes it is hard to let go

2013 was kind of a terrible year, and now almost two months into 2014, I would really like to let it go. I'm approaching the years mark of my two family members death, which marked the downward spiral of my year. It feels like I've lost so much, friendships, family, love, excitement. And sometimes it makes it hard to keep my chin up. I know that it can only go up from here, but it's overwhelming. Because I have to do all the walking. I hike up the mountain of self-improvement on my own, sometimes blindly, sometimes getting lost and cold and sad. But when I look up at the sky, there is only sun to greet me. That sun reminds me that I'm alive, that I'm strong.

It's okay to cry and be weak, its okay to be scared. Because those are just feelings, and feelings will pass. There will always be those who hurt you, but wounds heal. Sometimes they scar, but what is a scar but a mark on the surface? Hurt doesn't take away from what your are, what you have, what you worked hard for. Hurt doesn't change the fundamental building blocks that make you.

So hurt, and then get up and be who you are. Work hard. Live, in all your tears and hurt, and be that person you were meant to be.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

New Tag

I just made a tag for the Progress Log. And Wow! Amazing! How strong and together I am compared to the first post. How amazing it is that I got so far. My one moment to pat myself on the back, Go me!

Progress Log: Mechanics of Sex

So back on the sex horse, tried yesterday and then today. Yesterday was the same old issues so then I gave up. But today I was determined to be a normal sexual being again, so I tried again. Very patiently. I was a little scared since it had been awhile since I really tried to insert something all the way in. My goal to make dilator three a non-issue hasn't been all too successful. So I tried really hard this time. I was clenching up so hard at first, so I pulled way back and let my body relax. Then I started to insert it and I really hated the feeling. It was uncomfortable and I didn't like feeling my muscle twitch around the dilator. But it had started to slide all the way in so I was determined to make this work, to push myself farther. I told myself to try and last for ten minutes, which seemed unbearable at the time. But after listening to a whole song my body started to accept it. I decided to try and open and close my legs, then I lifted one leg and then the other. I pulled my knees to my chest and it didn't cause any issues. I moved my hips in the babiest of motions.

This was the first time I'd ever changed positions with an object in my vagina before! So cool milestone. Left me feeling renewed and hopeful that I could do this.

Fuck, I can do this!

Monday, January 27, 2014

Feeling Unfocused

But I wanted to post anyways.

I wrote some stuff but it got deleted. Clearly a sign I shouldn't post the crap I was going to post.

I feel many things right now, but I post none of them.

Tentative dilator goal:

Start using the dilator 3 until that becomes the baseline. As in, the 3 goes in virtually effortlessly like my finger can or the 2 can. The aim here is to make 3 easily accessible, thus making the 4 a non event to insert. Which would then make the 5 doable.The girth of a penis is at the 5 level. Then I can try to work with the mechanics of sex.

Also, make spreading legs in yoga less traumatic feeling. Still some serious issues there.

Read anal sex book!

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

And Suddenly There Was....Nothing: 2013 Momentum

It started off with a kiss and a profession of Love and closeness, Sincerity, promise.  Flirty relationships, fun, and likeability gave way to a creeping disturbance as reality came closing in. Conflict, jealousy, people's true colors started to glow faintly from within. Washing the floors every night started to become tiring and impossible. I was tired.

And then, the flirting was over, I cast off the chains of love and sex and attraction and was alone. I got a real job and thought things would start to look up. A uniform, a pay raise, promise to move through a prestigious institution. The beginning of moving up in the world, making new friends and feeling warm and appreciated. A sweet new friendship brought joy to my life. A sense of wonderment and excitement of the world around me. Walking through the glass walkway with the early evening sky streaming on my head and shoulders, I felt a vibration in my pocket. A text message, confusing, but serious sounding. In the hospital, not much time, didn't look good. I thought it was a wrong number. I didn't know any sick people. I didn't recognize the number. But I was wrong, I did know this person. Now, to wait excruciatingly for a great long life to end. Wrote the eulogy, drifted around teary and confused. My life seemed to be so full of death. Those long canvas boxes they wheeled past the lab at night burned permanently into my eyes and stayed even as I slept. The great doors of the morgue like a chasm into a silent hell, shutting on their own without a blink from anyone else. I couldn't seem to tear my eyes away, trapped in the stinking chemical, bloody organs, and the canvas box, pushing discreetly past by the man in his one purple glove.

I went home, steeled to support my family and read my speech for the great woman of ninety odd years old. I talked on the phone to my grandfather and told him I couldn't wait to see him again. I put on my shiniest shoes and took a deep breath in the hallway of the funeral parlor while I waited for the rest of my family. I heard screams. They had found him dead. I sat down on the ground winded. Visions of what should have been and what would never be danced in my head all day and all night. Even when I filled my life with hobbies and love and sexual intimacy the sound blasted in my ears constantly. While I slept I saw him, heard his voice, remembered his smell and the touch of the foil and velvet wallpaper in the house. It was as if someone had cut open my head and shook out my soul like a wastebasket of paper. I crawled around my job and life trying to make sense of it.

As the empty case once known as a person I worked hard to forge an identity. Worked hard to support my roommate, get hired permanently into my job, worked to be a supportive girlfriend to my new boyfriend, to save money, work on my sexual inadequacy, be friends with those I was once romantically involved in, conserve energy and be a fun and interesting person. But I was so tired. I lost so much support from the people I've known for years. By striving to be a strong and independent person, I did myself a disservice be de-emphasizing how much pain I was in. People simply forgot that I was grieving.I didn't cut myself slack, and no one else did either.

After months of working hard, what I thought was the rewards was nothing but a stealthily disguised knife to twist into me. Alienated from most people, receiving almost no payback, and then getting the news that I had been cheated on. I just broke. Me, the already broken down me, broke completely. Fell off the grid, I felt so angry. I just wanted silence. I hated everyone, and lacked the words to describe why. What I had wanted was the warm blanket of support and what I had received was virtually nothing. Stinky, putrid nothing.

But I wasn't ashamed to be myself. If anything, my broken sense of self only solidified. I was belligerently myself. Backhanding those with the idea of myself. My hair stood on end, but people were admiring and not put off. Somehow that made me even angrier. I was disgusted with the prospect of being desired. I hated it.

Then somehow along the way my angry turned to Productive Anger. I started to do things fearlessly. I mowed down my fears and insecurities and stopped taking bullshit. So productively angry I came into the new year, still mad, but less than before. Feeling better as things fell into place, and less tears fell from my eyes.

I have become someone that I do not yet know. I have mediated crises, tested positive for tuberculosis, been molested, watched an animal die in front of me, surprised by the callous insensitive way people speak of death, contemplated suicide and survived the most sentimental times of the year alone.

But I also completed all of my resolutions for last year. Learned to cook, and be useful to somebody. Went to the gynecologist. Asserted myself and my needs. Got a full time job. Tried online dating. Dried watermelon. Read books and sewed clothes and baked bread. And inspired people to do things. A lot of things. And really, what is a life but the imprint it leaves on others after all is said and done?

2014, don't disappoint me

Thursday, January 9, 2014

2013: A Year in Review is On its Way Shortly

I do this every year, and so it must continue. But I don't know if I have enough time to devote to this currently. So here is an intermittent post.

I don't know why nobody understands the concepts of boundaries. Seriously, it's like a need a sign that I can flash every two seconds to tell the people I used to date to back the fuck down without insulting them or making things awkward. For God's Sakes!

Monday, January 6, 2014

Plowing Through My Fears

I just something very bizarre, and it involved tackling a huge number of fears at once. And absolutely nothing bad happened. Which is great, because it seemed like there was a lot of bad happening. Like my ex asking me to move in with him, another death in the family, my friend's recent suicide attempt, getting rejected whilst trying to get laid, and just generally hating everybody. But then suddenly I tackled all these fears:

Winter driving
Being Alone at night
Trying to find an unfamiliar address
A Sexual Encounter
Performance Anxiety

To name a few, except for the part where I'm pretty sure my ass wasn't as clean as it could have been. Awkward. Or maybe not. Honestly, I'm not squicked out by these types of things as you might think. I guess I just don't care.

But it brings a few issues to the forefront:

1. I'm horny

2. But also lovingly horny

3. Which makes me sort of dangerous

I like orgasms and all, but I really want to kiss. Without kissing it feels odd. Like I'm some kind of sickly person under quarantined that can't be touched. Which leads to feeling confused and unattractive.  So sexy time without kissing is kind of like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without bread. You still get the same flavors, but you're clearly missing something. And its all confusing and hard to eat.

Speaking of which, I'm hungry

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Resolutions

2013's resolutions:







I've done nearly all of these to some degree

-Eat better - dated a vegan for the spring and summer and ate very well, took a serious initiative with my health, going to the doctor for the first time in many years and sleeping well, took vitamins and flaxseed and all that, washed my sheets regularly and showered regularly

-Run more
- started off strong then faltered when I had to walk to work, so I walked a shit ton, and I recently started running again around Christmas time

-Apply for real job
- I have a real job, with health insurance, have had it since March

-Be a better communicator
- Definitely, people have been remarking on my composure, I've gotten into a few arguments with people after expressing my opinions, which is serious progress

-Dress better consistently
- Got rid of a lot of junky and awkward clothes, simplified my wardrobe

-Be a better friend
- Depends on who you asked, cut off a ton of my shitty and toxic friendships

-Have PIV sex - particularly with one of the three hotties from the previous post
- Had some poking action, not full on thrusting, but some pokes. It counts god dammit.

-Try to stop putting myself down so much
- Self image improved a lot, still plenty of room for improvement, but on my way

-Have more sex of any kind
- learned to orgasm, and multi-orgasm, so YES!!


2014 Resolutions:

-Have PIV sex with thrusting

-Train for a half marathon

-Make good friends

-Become a better communicator in bed (Say the word pussy aloud)

-Have a radio show

-Paint something

-Perform at open mic

-Be a good driver