Dear women of the world,
Although people will give you tons of shit, if you feel the need to wear slutty clothing tonight here's some words of advice:
Do it.
Fuck what everyone else thinks. Halloween has become one day where girls feel like they can show off their bodies and feel good. And its sad that we only get one day a year to do it. Why can't women wear what they want any day of the year? Maybe short skirts, high heels and low cut tops make some people feel good. Don't do it because you think you have to of course, do it if you want to. Because we're all adults here and we can make our own wardrobe choices.
It doesn't fuckin' matter, get it girl.
A collection of mildly cohesive rants about vaginismus, mental illness, death, relationships and the quest to own my sexuality.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
HMMMMMM
I encountered the same older guy from the previous post Hmm last night. It was warm out yesterday so my roommate and I (Both of us had been feeling low) decided to put on some short clothing and head out to local bar. I happened to run into that guy again while wearing my slutty clothing and I was feeling damn good. He seemed very impressed. When he had to go I walked him outside and we stopped in a hallway for a silly drunken makeout session.
This is the kind of stuff people in college do, and what I should have been doing a few years ago. It's extremely uncharacteristic of me. I feel as though I should I be embarrassed or ashamed but really I'm not. I really just don't give a fuck. I'm a bit of a late bloomer in the sexuality realization game, but I think in some ways it gives me an advantage because I have had a little more time to realize my desires and become more secure in the person that I am.
There is plenty of things about this situation that give me pause, but I guess there's only way to find out. Take risks. Close your eyes and jump in.
This is the kind of stuff people in college do, and what I should have been doing a few years ago. It's extremely uncharacteristic of me. I feel as though I should I be embarrassed or ashamed but really I'm not. I really just don't give a fuck. I'm a bit of a late bloomer in the sexuality realization game, but I think in some ways it gives me an advantage because I have had a little more time to realize my desires and become more secure in the person that I am.
There is plenty of things about this situation that give me pause, but I guess there's only way to find out. Take risks. Close your eyes and jump in.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
To Be Good in Bed
What makes a person 'good in bed'? Everybody wants to be it, but what exactly constitutes good in bed? I have thought about this question recently, trying to pinpoint what I did and didn't like about partners, and also what I can and can't do. Considering penetrative sex is out of the question in my case, the mainstream opinion might declare I don't have any skills in bed. But I'd like to think that I get naked and exchange fluids with others on a regular enough basis to let that detail slide. Here is what I've come up with:
Easy to talk to: This person doesn't pass judgement, they don't get butt-hurt every time you say you'd like to try a different act. They don't feel threatening.
Perceptive: Falls under the similar easy to talk to category. They can read body language, frequently check in on you if they can't. Seeks positive feedback before moving on.
Reasonably un-squeamish: In order to have a broad spectrum of sexual fun, a person should expect to get sweaty, sticky, smell different things, stick one's face in various crevices, swallow various fluids. And yes, even a pube or two. Nothing unreasonable, but a person who's terrified of natural body functions, or thinks that a rim job means you're gonna be eating shit usually gets crossed off of the Good In Bed list.
Open minded: Everybody has limits, and no one should ever do anything they don't want to do, but indulging someone's tastes just for a try (Within reasonable limits of course!) might end up with a sexy surprise.
Willing to try different pleasure routes: Sometimes our bodies don't cooperate in the ways we want them too, and thus it's important to be inventive. Keeps things fresh.
Self-Control: Knows when to stop when things get too intense, chafey, painful or unpleasant. Doesn't push the boundaries more than is appropriate. Respects partners rules always.
Multitasks well: Although not required, anybody who can multitask reasonably well gets a star in my book.
This is all the things I can think of at the moment. Being respectful and having a good sense of humor about things is always a must.
Easy to talk to: This person doesn't pass judgement, they don't get butt-hurt every time you say you'd like to try a different act. They don't feel threatening.
Perceptive: Falls under the similar easy to talk to category. They can read body language, frequently check in on you if they can't. Seeks positive feedback before moving on.
Reasonably un-squeamish: In order to have a broad spectrum of sexual fun, a person should expect to get sweaty, sticky, smell different things, stick one's face in various crevices, swallow various fluids. And yes, even a pube or two. Nothing unreasonable, but a person who's terrified of natural body functions, or thinks that a rim job means you're gonna be eating shit usually gets crossed off of the Good In Bed list.
Open minded: Everybody has limits, and no one should ever do anything they don't want to do, but indulging someone's tastes just for a try (Within reasonable limits of course!) might end up with a sexy surprise.
Willing to try different pleasure routes: Sometimes our bodies don't cooperate in the ways we want them too, and thus it's important to be inventive. Keeps things fresh.
Self-Control: Knows when to stop when things get too intense, chafey, painful or unpleasant. Doesn't push the boundaries more than is appropriate. Respects partners rules always.
Multitasks well: Although not required, anybody who can multitask reasonably well gets a star in my book.
This is all the things I can think of at the moment. Being respectful and having a good sense of humor about things is always a must.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Perception
People have different reactions when I tell them about my vaginismus. It seems to usually fit into two categories: The Healer and You're Making it Up
The Healer feels much compassion, but oh! they have the solution. 'Just wait until you hear my awesome advice, its sure to cure you! Ever try sticking your finger up your vagina? I heard it works! Also, try masturbating! It feels good!' Or something along those lines. Even though they may be a bit misguided, I like these people. They have your best interest in mind. They want to fix you, and they want you to have good sex. Even though they don't know anything about your condition, they still are trying to help you think of solutions. Not perfect, sometimes annoying, but still better than the second type of people.
You're Making it Up: AKA the Why Don't You Try Harder people. These people annoy the shit out of me. They have helpful suggestions like "Just cram a dick up there and wear a pad for a few days for the blood that pours out" And "Get wasted and have someone cram their dick into your lifeless corpse!" These are the same types of people who see sex and virginity as a zero sum game. These are the same people who still classify me as 'not yet a woman' because a dick hasn't yet entered the womanly gates (And if we are gonna get technical, technically a dick has poked its head in there so....ha?). These people are always chiding me for not relaxing enough, they say I just have a tight vagina, that needs a good pummeling by the right man and then I will be cured.
What scares me most about the Try Harder people (Besides thinking about the terrifying sex they must be having! Yikes!) is the assumption the sex is a milestone and not an actual act. Sex = Adulthood, Sex = relationship seriousness starts here! What is there to be gained from me having painful sex? I mean really? Who wins in this situation? I certainly don't, I bleed for a few days, it burns when I pee, I don't get off. Maybe I'll get lucky and have a pregnancy scare, a UTI, or an STI. Does my partner win? He gets to hump a motionless person who's bleeding and wincing in pain. All for the sake of RELATIONSHIP SERIOUSNESS! How serious could a relationship be that requires active, repeated pain on one person's behalf all the time for the other partners benefit? How could an enthusiastic blow job, mutual masturbation, or anal play session be that much worse? You know, the kind where everybody enjoys themselves?
Maybe I'm missing the point. I'm sure PIV sex is great, and I simply CANNOT WAIT to have it. But only when its great, or good enough, or not excruciatingly painful. And that's the kind of milestone I want to reach, when I'm ready to.
The Healer feels much compassion, but oh! they have the solution. 'Just wait until you hear my awesome advice, its sure to cure you! Ever try sticking your finger up your vagina? I heard it works! Also, try masturbating! It feels good!' Or something along those lines. Even though they may be a bit misguided, I like these people. They have your best interest in mind. They want to fix you, and they want you to have good sex. Even though they don't know anything about your condition, they still are trying to help you think of solutions. Not perfect, sometimes annoying, but still better than the second type of people.
You're Making it Up: AKA the Why Don't You Try Harder people. These people annoy the shit out of me. They have helpful suggestions like "Just cram a dick up there and wear a pad for a few days for the blood that pours out" And "Get wasted and have someone cram their dick into your lifeless corpse!" These are the same types of people who see sex and virginity as a zero sum game. These are the same people who still classify me as 'not yet a woman' because a dick hasn't yet entered the womanly gates (And if we are gonna get technical, technically a dick has poked its head in there so....ha?). These people are always chiding me for not relaxing enough, they say I just have a tight vagina, that needs a good pummeling by the right man and then I will be cured.
What scares me most about the Try Harder people (Besides thinking about the terrifying sex they must be having! Yikes!) is the assumption the sex is a milestone and not an actual act. Sex = Adulthood, Sex = relationship seriousness starts here! What is there to be gained from me having painful sex? I mean really? Who wins in this situation? I certainly don't, I bleed for a few days, it burns when I pee, I don't get off. Maybe I'll get lucky and have a pregnancy scare, a UTI, or an STI. Does my partner win? He gets to hump a motionless person who's bleeding and wincing in pain. All for the sake of RELATIONSHIP SERIOUSNESS! How serious could a relationship be that requires active, repeated pain on one person's behalf all the time for the other partners benefit? How could an enthusiastic blow job, mutual masturbation, or anal play session be that much worse? You know, the kind where everybody enjoys themselves?
Maybe I'm missing the point. I'm sure PIV sex is great, and I simply CANNOT WAIT to have it. But only when its great, or good enough, or not excruciatingly painful. And that's the kind of milestone I want to reach, when I'm ready to.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Hmm
I spent the night drinking with a man who is a bit older than me. I caught his interest not too long ago, and I'd been feeling him out ever since. He's quite odd, interesting sense of humor, attractive, well dressed, nice. The people I've asked about him says he's a nice guy but weird. I'm not entirely sure what to think of it. I'm not sure if I'm in a good place right now to be in a relationship. There's my friends with benefits thing to deal with. And then there's the fact that my parents would probably kick my ass if they found out I was dating a guy that old.
But Indeed, I had a fun time stumbling back drunk with him at four in the morning. Less fun when I woke up drunk the next morning for work. But hey, what a life I live. I'm just glad I got home safe. I think we kissed, but I could hardly tell what I was doing at that hour. I'm feeling a little insecure about my intimacy abilities. I wonder.
But Indeed, I had a fun time stumbling back drunk with him at four in the morning. Less fun when I woke up drunk the next morning for work. But hey, what a life I live. I'm just glad I got home safe. I think we kissed, but I could hardly tell what I was doing at that hour. I'm feeling a little insecure about my intimacy abilities. I wonder.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Compliments
Lately I've noticed that people have been complimenting me a lot. That's Good right? They've been gushing lots of real nice things for some reason without any prompt. It's really nice, don't get me wrong, but it makes me really uneasy. I can't help but think, what does this person want from me? What'll they think if I disappoint them? I try to be righteous and subjective in my viewpoint, but sometimes I can't hide the fact that I'm extremely insecure. I worry what these people say about me when I leave the room.
I'm just trying to get by like everyone else is. I hope I'm actually doing a good job.
I'm just trying to get by like everyone else is. I hope I'm actually doing a good job.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Cutting ties
I recently cut ties with someone. I don't usually actively sever someone from my life. I was scared to do it. But you know what? At the end, I felt nothing but relief. I have been caused so much undue suffering, grief, insecurity and emotional damage from just a short time with this person. And though I have learned much, don't get me wrong, it was unnecessarily harsh.
I'd like to say that everything happens for a reason, but we all know that's nothing but a crock of shit. Things happen due to the circumstances that create them. Everyday, events happen that cause us to grow, just like sometimes things not happening also cause us to grow. To say that having an emotionally manipulative, uncaring ex-boyfriend was an important tenet of my growth and fullness as a person is ridiculous and false. It allows said ex to get away with being a scary asshole in some aspects because 'hey, you grew up!' I cried, I hurt, and life moved on. I grow each day because I choose to cry, hurt and move on. I don't off myself any time something bad happens (Not that it has never crossed my mind though.)
Life is hard. And its because of specific things that culminate in semi-predictable ways. My scary ex hurt me very badly because he didn't care about my feelings. I was sad because my life was hard at the time, I lost my job, my housing and home life was a mess, I was insecure and sad. He was an asshole because other kids were assholes to him in the past, and he internalized that and became an asshole himself. And so on and so forth. We can only be held at fault for the reactions we have to the stuff that happens to us. We cannot be held at fault for all of the actual tangible things that happen to us.
I for one, am glad to be able to have the tools to say my piece and move on. I'm glad to have kept my cool in the face of accusations and personal attack. I was even able to inspire an apology from him, although I'm not sure how encouraging it was (more like a "I'm sorry you were offended by my words." type than anything too introspective). I feel better at having some closure in some aspects, and hoping not to run into this person again. Whew.
The end of that story arc for now.
I'd like to say that everything happens for a reason, but we all know that's nothing but a crock of shit. Things happen due to the circumstances that create them. Everyday, events happen that cause us to grow, just like sometimes things not happening also cause us to grow. To say that having an emotionally manipulative, uncaring ex-boyfriend was an important tenet of my growth and fullness as a person is ridiculous and false. It allows said ex to get away with being a scary asshole in some aspects because 'hey, you grew up!' I cried, I hurt, and life moved on. I grow each day because I choose to cry, hurt and move on. I don't off myself any time something bad happens (Not that it has never crossed my mind though.)
Life is hard. And its because of specific things that culminate in semi-predictable ways. My scary ex hurt me very badly because he didn't care about my feelings. I was sad because my life was hard at the time, I lost my job, my housing and home life was a mess, I was insecure and sad. He was an asshole because other kids were assholes to him in the past, and he internalized that and became an asshole himself. And so on and so forth. We can only be held at fault for the reactions we have to the stuff that happens to us. We cannot be held at fault for all of the actual tangible things that happen to us.
I for one, am glad to be able to have the tools to say my piece and move on. I'm glad to have kept my cool in the face of accusations and personal attack. I was even able to inspire an apology from him, although I'm not sure how encouraging it was (more like a "I'm sorry you were offended by my words." type than anything too introspective). I feel better at having some closure in some aspects, and hoping not to run into this person again. Whew.
The end of that story arc for now.