Its hard not to get frustrated sometimes. Being horny as fuck, but having a body that doesn't cooperate. I'm not gonna say I feel empowered or blessed to have vaginismus. It fucking sucks, it's shitty and I hate it. In the weaker points of my life its made me wish I was never born. It makes me feel inadequate, physically ill, hurting, burn-y, sexually frustrated, anxious, embarrassed, angry. It transforms sex and sexuality into frightening demons.
I'm terrified of being permanently broken. Doomed to walk an eternity of unpenetrative, unorganismic, purgatory. Until I just die of sexual frustration and loneliness. God is one sick fuck if he's up there.
...
This is how I felt earlier this morning. Just very angry. Me and my 'friend' had stayed up real late trying to have anal and it simply would not work (And by try, I mean an honest try: with tons of vaseline, sexytimes, one finger, two finger, red finger, blue finger....) . I got extremely angry, and I find it hard to articulate all the finer points of my strong emotion. Suffice it to say, I am tired of failure. I want it to work, and I want it to work now. Body, you already have my vagina all to yourself, SO WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? I have made my choice, but my sphincters have made another. Fuck this shit.
I must be missing something here, because it always feels like I'm on the cusp of something. The cusp of orgasm, the cusp of penetration, the cusp of muscle loosening. I put a finger in my vagina and it didn't burn, I felt a small circular muscle. I poked within it. I have entered the second gates.
This post is nothing more than a record of: I've fallen and I got up again shortly thereafter.
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