I'm Horny and That Makes me Feel Ashamed

It's weird, sometimes I go back in progress and it's hard to tell why. Sometimes I feel really ashamed about my sexuality. I look back on times I was sexual and feel ashamed and weird about it. Like, Wow, I can't believe I said or did that. It makes it hard to advocate for my needs. And when you can't advocate your needs its hard for people to meet them. And when people don't meet your needs it can feel angering and isolating and then you don't want to interact with them anymore. When you can't interact with people it feels lonely and it becomes hard to trust people. And then its just a big downward spiral from there.

I crave human touch and that makes me embarrassed sometimes. I wish I was a robot. Feelings make a person weak. Or so I tell myself sometimes. But the truth is. I want to fuck and touch and be messy with someone. I want to speak the unspeakable, feel the unfathomable, and shout in ecstasy until I can't remember a world without stress and pain.

Because if I can't do that, then why do anything? Its a utterly natural set of urges, I need to tell myself.

Back in August I made a weird goal for myself

I did not even come close to that goal. I still have not commented on a web forum and I still do way too much lurking. Still angry and isolated. But I guess it's okay. I'm still breathing.

Grad School is Hard.

I need to Fire my therapist

My therapist sucks a lot, and I need to fire him. But I feel bad doing it. Like he's my friend or something. He's not a bad person, but he sucks as a therapist. Gives bad advice, has bad posture that makes his whole attitude feel apathetic and lazy. Our sessions are never guided. He doesn't remember the stuff I say or take notes. I never have assignments. He only nitpicks things that are barely important to me. And glosses over the stuff that is. We meet 40 minutes every two weeks and its never enough time. He's always late. I don't look forward to it. I don't feel that its helped me in any way.


I don't know why I thought this was a hard choice to make. It's clearly not