Blah Blah Blah

Nobody reads this so I guess I'm writing to myself.

Hey self,

I know you feel bad, but remember when you felt like this in the past? Remember how things felt like they weren't going to get any better? And they did, didn't they? They got better even if it was just for a little while, they improved. Remember how good that felt? It felt pretty good. So try to strive for that again. Remember when people liked you? They did. Lots of people did. You had good qualities. Have those qualities again, have different cool qualities again. People will like you again. It's okay. You can be mad for a little while. But then it's time to grow up. The world is not out to get you. It's okay to be irrelevant. Everything is irrelevant. Stop wallowing.

-Self

Fast Approaching The Second Birthday Without My Grandfather

Both mine and his. Happy Birthday Grandpa. Love you.


Happy Birthday Me. Do better. You can do better.

I Have A Weird Goal For Myself

I spend an embarrassing amount of hours lurking on forums and comment sections of all kinds. Blogs, news, facebook threads, etc. I have virtually never commented on anything but yet I sit there becoming incensed by people's opinion and having all kinds of intense emotional experiences, crying, laughing, talking to myself. And I'm typing this out because it sounds fucking insane. Because why? I'm increasingly becoming a more stubborn and withdrawn and I don't enjoy it. I'd like to treat myself the way I'd treat others, that their opinions, feelings, personal anecdotes are valuable. I don't mean that I want to spend hours online arguing with others, but why can't I chime in to say "Oh yeah, me too, I feel that opinion too." People used to like hearing me talk, they often value my opinions, so why would that be any different on the internet?

I was a person too once! Before I became completely abstracted in my own over-hyped sense of self. I have bad days too. Sometimes I get mad without reason. I have likes and dislikes, sometimes I like to be in silence. But if I really wanted to be alone, then why am I spending so many hours pretending I'm a part of a fake discussion? Seems awfully suspect.

So therefore, I'd like to cut down my time lurking on forums, and/or start contributing my own content on things. If I don't have the nerve to go commenting, then I should stop lurking entirely. At least that's what I'm thinking right now. It's a hard habit to break actually. They are a source of comfort for me, even if it's a completely fake one.