I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulder

It feels strange to feel deeply for someone again. I'm incredibly nervous about getting hurt again. But I can't fucking help it, its like water rushing downhill, it can hardly be stopped. To borrow a quote from a good movie, "He is just what a young man ought to be." Smart, good-natured, sympathetic to the struggles of women. And then yesterday I was blown away when he told me that I shouldn't feel so bad about my problem, that it was even a problem, just a natural variant of human sexuality. That I was valuable as a person for me, and not the sexual services I can and can't provide.

I just cried, it felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulder. I have let vaginismus weigh so heavily on my self-worth, maturity, sexuality, relationships, to hear someone who has absolutely nothing to gain by lying about it freely say such a thing....brings tears to my eyes each time I think about it. There were so many times when I thought about ending my life, wishing I was never born, that I would never live a normal life.

And now I can clearly see how wrong I was. I am so happy to be alive, even when its hard. I had such simple goals in my life, that seemed to be hopeless, but hear I am getting ready to achieve all of them. To think my heart would ever truly feel again, even after I have loved so hard and lost even harder, is truly a testament to how strong the human heart is. To love even in spite of pain, to pick yourself up and love again. To be blind and stupid, again and again.

A Post to Bring Us Up To Speed

And so, I'm back to dating again. I survived the one year anniversary of my family members death (although I accidentally drank too much wine and was a scary drunk), I have expressed my feelings more to people, been more social and active, got my life plan together for the next year. Feeling much more positive.

I met a guy on the internet, talked for like 5 months, we liked each other, so we went on some dates. Now we're in a relationship. We're both very shy and nervous. He's very sweet, smells good and his skin is very soft. We like a lot of the same things. I like him very much!

And perhaps even more amazingly, my body LOVES him. My vagina has relaxed so much, I don't even do my exercises lately. He fingers me multiple times in a row and it actually feels good. And the last few times he put two fingers in which has NEVER happened before (I can't even do that). And it was so exciting and I was giggling and he was really happy too. So omgsexmaybesoon? Who even knows, I've reverted to my 'sixteen year old first time being in love' self again and I hope I don't do something stupid to scare him away.

Overall feeling realistic but happy at the same time. Only time will tell what the future will bring to me.