Hurt

When you are an atheist there are some things that just can't be easy. An explaining death is one of them. See, to explain death means to say that I have been permanently severed from the people I love most. If I leave it in the hands of God. Maybe I'll see them again. But....I just can't believe it. I want to believe it. But it seems ridiculous. Is heaven a tangible place with dead people walking around in it? What age are they? Are they the age they died at? Are there babies who died in heaven? Do they age? How is there enough space for everyone?

I'm not buying, and yet. I just miss my grandfather so badly. I want to believe. The pain is just so great sometimes. I can hardly breathe. It hits me like a slap in the face. I say to myself. I hate reality. I hate life. I hate everything that could allow that to happen. I'm just so angry. And there isn't ever enough strength and positive energy and "it gets better" bullshit to fill that gaping void sometimes. I know it gets better. It got better the last three dead family members.

But I don't WANT it to be better or easier. I want it to be fixed. I want the grave injustice that is the wiping of this fantastic person from the earth so suddenly to be rectified. Immediately. I just want to throw myself down on the ground and throw a big baby tantrum until someone fixes it. But they wont. The world doesn't stop turning for anybody. There is no breaks or reprieves.

A long overdue post

Haven't posted in awhile. I didn't feel like typing anything for awhile. Work schedule completely flip flopped. Hard to believe we are five months into 2013. Nothing but insanity since then. I love my life, even when it's annoying. I have so much to be thankful for.

Still hanging with maybe boyfriend. Things seem quite good, even in their weirdness. I guess the problem being that my ex has completely infiltrated all aspects of my life. (The places I hang out and the people I would hang out) so its not like I can bring this new guy around. So I've compensated by just not going out much at the moment. Which doesn't seem like the greatest idea. But i've been tired and irritable anyways so I guess I haven't really wanted to hang out anyways.

So even in these two paragraphs my mood and outlook seem to oscillate rapidly. I've been wishing I was still in college so I could hit up the counseling office. I think that would really help. Oh well, I have to take the good with the bad....