2016 New Years Resolutions

Okay, we are back in the swing of things this time:

Run once a week (as promised with a friend)

Healthy eating habits (gain 5 pounds back)

Pass candidacy

Talk more to my long distance friends

Pay credit card bill

go on vacation somewhere

Strive to be a more positive proactive person, eliminate suicidal ideation, reduce focus on negative thoughts

Pass Prospectus

Continue to polish personal sense of style

Move into a slightly bigger place

Oh what a tangled web we Weave

Well since that July post many things happened:

I had a complete breakdown and was holding myself hostage.

My shitty therapist finally took my threats to hurt myself seriously and I started medication

Changed doses when the feelings came back

Fire shitty therapist and got new one

Feeling much better

School is hard

My parents are getting a divorce and love is dead or something

And yet, I feel love again. So it's complicated

Sometimes things get complicated

Everyone and Everything is Awful

See title.

Kiss my ass.

Going to the GYNO on Monday

Gonna have my first pap smear on Monday. Its pretty overdue so I hope everything turns out okay. The appointment lady on the phone was really weird and was like OMG YOU NEVER HAD A PAP SMEAR BEFORE. I wanted to be like...dude my vagina was a brick wall for the first 23 years of my life. I've tried at least 3 times to get a pap without success. I think I can do it this time. Looking forward to facing off on what is more or less the final 'vagina frontier' in my training. I haven't done any practice for it. But if I'm lucky I might have some sex this weekend. And that's kinda like a dilator right? A fun sexy dilator with a person attached...but still. Its gotta count for something.

Sad and Wrong Long Overdue

You are special. You are kind, you are beautiful, you are smart. You are everything a man should be.

I am a weak, I have failed you. I was wrong. I messed up.

I should have been enough for you, enough for us. I refused to be that person.

I wanted to hurt. I wanted to bring pain because others have brought me pain. I was frustrated. I was at the end of my rope. I thought that made it okay. I tossed you out. I was determined to make a stand.

Because I felt alone, misunderstood, not listened to.

Now I'm still alone, But I can feel again. And I can feel pain in my heart. You beautiful fragile soul, You who have blindly loved me when I thought no one else would. In ways that no one else ever could.

Maybe it was all a farce, but I'm cold and alone and it sounds so good from here. Lie to me. Say it again. Fuck me like you love me. Even when you hate me.

I couldn't see it. I was a fool. I couldn't see. I was blind.

I'm Horny and That Makes me Feel Ashamed

It's weird, sometimes I go back in progress and it's hard to tell why. Sometimes I feel really ashamed about my sexuality. I look back on times I was sexual and feel ashamed and weird about it. Like, Wow, I can't believe I said or did that. It makes it hard to advocate for my needs. And when you can't advocate your needs its hard for people to meet them. And when people don't meet your needs it can feel angering and isolating and then you don't want to interact with them anymore. When you can't interact with people it feels lonely and it becomes hard to trust people. And then its just a big downward spiral from there.

I crave human touch and that makes me embarrassed sometimes. I wish I was a robot. Feelings make a person weak. Or so I tell myself sometimes. But the truth is. I want to fuck and touch and be messy with someone. I want to speak the unspeakable, feel the unfathomable, and shout in ecstasy until I can't remember a world without stress and pain.

Because if I can't do that, then why do anything? Its a utterly natural set of urges, I need to tell myself.

Back in August I made a weird goal for myself

I did not even come close to that goal. I still have not commented on a web forum and I still do way too much lurking. Still angry and isolated. But I guess it's okay. I'm still breathing.

Grad School is Hard.